'A relationship with a Thai woman is so different from a Western one' (reader's submission)
Some time ago I read a column by Jeffrey Weinberg in the Telegraaf. It is about that the man is tired of being treated like a house slave. He wants to feel like a man again and to feel seen and respected as a man by his wife.
Not even such a bad piece. It reminded me of my own marriages in the Netherlands. Yes, I've been married three times. With the mother of my children for seventeen years, then with someone who turned out to be extremely sex addicted and I found out she even made money from it. That marriage lasted four months. And finally with a very beautiful Bulgarian who after more than a year and a half turned out that she only needed me to get a residence permit.
Between marriages I have always been alone for quite a long time to reflect on my sins. More than 5 years between number two and number three and during those years I wondered what I did wrong. I'm ambitious, I'm not averse to some housework, it was instilled in me from a young age, and I've always been the cook. Not only because, I thought, my wives couldn't cook anything other than spaghetti, but mainly because I enjoy it and really enjoy cooking.
Lately I've been reading a lot about men and women, the different ways of thinking and what can go wrong in a marriage. So I did everything by the book. But as a dear friend said to me, you both have to read the book. A truth as a cow.
That was one of the reasons to leave the Netherlands. I found the women very demanding and in my case they only supported me once the big money came in. They didn't have to think about the future, they found it scary and above all dangerous to start something new every now and then.
I have been in Thailand for almost ten years now and married to a very beautiful Thai woman. Her name is Na and she is almost fifty years old. A beautiful woman who I always think, I needed in my younger years. Na, is a real farmer's daughter, the only girl among 5 brothers. So she had to take pretty good care of herself. Now it is a lady of the world. She is curious, wants to know everything and experience everything. If I want to make a sandwich or grab a beer, the comment invariably comes up, hey, that's what I'm here for. You take care of me and I take care of you.
Women in Thailand still know their place. The man comes first and the man is the boss of the house (they think). But a Thai woman is absolutely not slavish or submissive. Even if a Thai woman feels used, or even worse, abused, she divorces her husband. A Thai woman would rather live alone in poverty than be a slave to the man.
Na also knows exactly what she wants. For example, we built a garage that used to have a thatched roof. Very pretty and blends in well with the environment. She wanted records on it, so that's what happened. The garage was also made longer so that a spacious outdoor kitchen could be arranged.
That this year after the spring storms it turned out that the roof is much too heavy, I said that, but yes, Na wanted what she wanted, but then I am in favor of figuring out how to solve that problem. This is not thought about, that is how the roles are divided. I also don't have to say please or thank you when she does something. Which in the West you are quite blamed for if you forget that. Family and friends who visit here often think that I am exploiting Na. Nothing is less true. She really enjoys doing it and always, well always, with a friendly face.
We both enjoy how we interact with each other. Respect for each other and everyone's place. And I'm not even talking about pointing out that a fifty-year-old Thai looks a little different from a Western one. Na, doesn't look fifty, but more like mid-thirties.
I think I know what Jeffrey meant. That's why I live in Thailand where caring for each other is very normal. I can name many things that are so terribly different than in a relationship with a Western woman. But I'd like to leave that to you.
Submitted by Jan
– Reposted message –
Dear Jan,
I'm glad you're in such a good marriage now and that you're getting along well. Congratulations. Best regards to Na.
It just has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with Western or Thai/Oriental. As you no doubt know, marriages between Western men and Eastern women also fail regularly and there are wonderful marriages between Western men and Western women. You just met a good woman and/or learned from your previous failures.
It has to do with personalities and the way they interact with each other. I assure you that there are many different types of women in Thailand, I even know some who hardly care about proper care, really. It is impossible to say 'a Thai woman is such and such'. You can say 'this, or my, wife is such and such'.
Enjoy your good time together, praise your wife but forget the adjective 'Thai' and 'Western'.
Totally agree with you Tina. wonderful that Jan is very happy, but that has nothing to do with a Thai / Western relationship. Many relationships are on the rocks. /3 I say from memory and that is often even higher in relationships between partners from two different groups. You just have to find the right flower in that beautiful garden full of natural beauty.
There is nothing wrong with most men and women from here or there. However, finding the right jar on the right lid is simply difficult. The most important thing is that both partners listen carefully to each other, give and take a bit. Balance, you do something and your partner does something. If a relationship is one-sided, sooner or later it will go wrong. If your partner, Dutch or Thai, does not take care of you, you pack your bags. But if you don't take care of your sweetheart, your darling will also be lost and completely justified. How you fill in that caring for each other differs per couple.
I therefore reject that “the Thai woman still knows her place”. Perhaps you will find there, taken by the boat, a little more often a woman who in the classic role pattern of the working man and the housewife, but Thailand also just goes along in the international world where men and women go to (higher) school and don't sit at home with that knowledge in your pocket.
If I was sitting on the couch with my love and she asked me if I could grab a drink for her, I would joke with a grin on my face 'I especially take a Thai woman because they listen so well and serve you at your beck and call, If I find one that lets me walk, you go get me a beer, otherwise I'll trade you in'. Then followed a burst of laughter from her side, and she told me 'I'm not crazy' . If I said 'but you have to listen to me, that's how it should be', then she told me that those men are crazy.
Fear not, eventually one of us got some treats and we happily sat on the couch together. A beautiful, powerful, funny and smart woman who really didn't let herself eat the cheese of her bread.
I was also often the loser with cooking, I was then told “Rob, pokpok the peppers and garlic”. Of course I would let out an exaggerated sigh and comment that I didn't feel like doing it or that it wasn't my job. Then she hit me on the head with the mortar and told me to listen to her. If I still objected, she would say 'reo reo (hurry up, quickly, quickly) Rob, or do you want ham pokpok?!'. And then there are those shining, fun eyes! I knew my place in the relationship. 🙁 5555
Rob,
Being able to tease each other in a good-natured and funny way is the pinnacle of love, even with friends.
Hans van Mourik, says.
It's not just with an older Thai woman.
I myself am of Dutch-Indonesian descent.
Notice it with my father and mother, my brother and sister-in-law and vice versa.
That's why the men are earners only.
The man takes care of the financial part, the woman takes care of the house, the husband and possibly the children.
It has nothing to do with slavishness, it's just the culture of the older women.
Have been in a relationship with a Thai woman for 17 years now and see that again
I myself am 75 years old and she is 60 years old.
Can't really do anything in the house, not even wash the dishes.
Hans
Only Jan's remark that ""the women in Thailand still know their place""
This comment runs right through his whole story.
LOUISE
I also don't think you can generalize that a Thai or Asian woman is better than a Farang woman.
Although here and there I do have the impression that emancipation in Western countries is a lot further than in many Asian countries.
By the way, I have nothing against emancipation as long as it is not exaggerated, and the woman does not make laws only for her husband, while she makes exceptions for herself.
Years ago my 7 year old son came back from primary school with a knitting project that he had to finish at home.
Because he did not understand the point of this task at all, and preferred to use a jigsaw during the handicraft lessons, I also took this action as one of the typical effects of the exaggerated pursuit of emancipation.
Furthermore, without wanting to generalize, I believe that many Western women have lost much of their femininity in their pursuit of more emancipation.
Many in their pursuit of emancipation, without perhaps noticing it themselves, adopt qualities that they did not like in their husbands for years.
While I have the impression with many Thai women, with exceptions, that they achieve exactly the same as many Western women with their serving femininity.
This, among other things, serving femininity, which many men highly value and respect in Thai/Asian women, has also been a special reason for me, why I married a Thai woman.
But this impression may be due to past personal experiences, compared to my current experience.
more need I say or write:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ru7BofbYRAU
Beautiful! We used to be glued to the screen with the whole family at half past six on Sundays. Not everyone was crazy about them. I had a right-wing friend and she always called him 'van Kloten and Debiel'. Well.
Or throw your thesis from a few years back against it:
“a Thai partner is no better or worse than a partner from their own country. You just have to hit the right one” Chris de B.
https://www.thailandblog.nl/stelling-van-de-week/thai-partner-niet-beter-slechter/
Or our Khun Peter:
“I think that Thai women, apart from the cultural differences that explain certain behavior, are not fundamentally different from Dutch women. Many western women are also caring, show passion, affection and want to take good care of their partner. (…)
'they (Thai ladies) accept your bad breath, your smelly feet and your snoring', I therefore dismiss as utter nonsense. This is called love and has nothing to do with your country of birth or origin. Western women also accept all your quirks, your snoring and your smelly feet. In a relationship it is all about give and take, that is the case all over the world.”
https://www.thailandblog.nl/relaties/thaise-vrouw-niet-anders-dan-westerse/
"Women in Thailand still know their place", after reading that I dropped out and it became clear to me why Jan is divorced so often.
'Women in Thailand still know their place' is often used by men who cannot even decorate a women's bicycle in their own country, but hey, with your statement you are in fact also admitting that you were under a lot of pressure in previous relationships, how stupid you can be. thank you for allowing it to get this far, although it is also nice of you to admit that in your argument...