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Home » Reader question » Reader question: My Thai wife's son wants to get married but has to pay
Dear readers,
My wife has an 18 year old son who wants to marry a 16 year old girl. The son has a small income and unfortunately his girlfriend is pregnant.
Her mother demands from the boy 100.000 baht and 2 bt gold as a dowry (sinsod). She drinks a lot so all money will be gone in a few months. All in all, he can't afford it. Is it an obligation or a law, or is it another tradition that has no right?
The girl's parents are divorced and her ex-husband wants nothing more to do with that woman.
With kind regards,
Cees
The family probably does not have much money, so it has little prestige. The girl herself does not have a completed education or a well-paid job, so the sinsod will probably be low. They often see it as compensation for the costs incurred during her upbringing and the school she attended. Will join Jos 25000-40000. If there is a family other than the mother, for example the father or an aunt, give that money to them, as you say, mothers will ruin it with alcohol. Which often happens, more rule than exception, son flees to BKK and the girl is alone. for .
Dear Cees,
I agree with the above commenters regarding the sinsod.
The pregnancy can of course be an accident, but also a conscious attempt to get married and leave the parental home. If the latter is the case, you may consider (I don't know the son and the girl) to take the young couple into your home or near your home. If you do this (and therefore also provide care to the young and not so rich couple) your negotiating position is even stronger and you can avoid paying sinsod.
Which also often happens, more the rule than the exception, my son flees to BKK and the girl is on her own.
The 18-year-old son should have left for Bangkok before the act. Fleeing is the easiest solution. If that boy had been informed, nothing might have happened. There is also a girl living in my block, also had a student as a boyfriend. Got pregnant and boyfriend disappeared. Now she works as a maid for all the work in the block.
Dear Cees,
Assuming your wife is Thai with a son from a previous relationship, how did you manage that yourself? Was it never discussed at the time, since no dowry is actually asked for second marriages? Not even for show?
There are several articles on the blog, read them so that you understand it better:
https://www.thailandblog.nl/tag/sinsod/
https://www.thailandblog.nl/tag/bruidsschat/
In short, you can see it as a tradition that is of course not legally required, but the social pressure may be there. It is a kind of compensation for the incurred and future costs to the parents and / or a nest egg for the lady herself so that she has money / gold in hand if the relationship breaks down. After payment of the Sinsod you should no longer have to support the parents, after all they have been reimbursed. But there is a good chance, especially if those people are addicted, that they will soon be knocking on the door regularly for money. The amount to be paid in sinsod or monthly maintenance money is negotiable. The better the girl (education, young, beautiful, virgin, position of the family in society…), the more she is worth.
Of course you can also just do the sinsod purely out of tradition for the show, that happens very often. The guests can then see that the lady (family?) caught a good fish by showing off with money and gold. Afterwards you will get everything back.
My preference would be the latter, especially since those parents will undoubtedly want to be supported in the future. But it sounds like the mother doesn't easily agree to that. They have to decide for themselves what is best for your son and his girlfriend.
I see girl 16 years old, then you have little choice if they don't get married then they will report it, she is underage, and then they have even bigger problems.
tree,
So true what you write. A cousin of ours had that 3 months ago. In the end it was finished with 40.000 baht and no wedding.
We call that blackmailing! Starting to dislike this country with its full box of tricks and habits!
My wife was left with three sons by her ex... So I have already experienced that sinsod situation twice and there is another one to come. Besides the cash and gold, he is of course also about prestige (Keeping Up Appearances). The trick is to agree during negotiations (haggling) with the future parents-in-law to “officially” pay a high amount and/or a number of bt. to agree on gold and that later (preferably as quickly as possible) a portion will be returned under the table. Emphasis should of course be placed on "it is this or it is nothing." During the wedding ceremony, in the presence of the entire family and the village, a lot of money & gold can be handed over, part of which is subsequently recovered. Everyone's “face” is saved!! Of course you have to be able to trust the other family….
Hello Cees,
Take Guy P.'s advice to heart.
Get it back and as soon as possible.
The prestige has already been shown to the outside world and now just ensure that you get your money/gold back within a turbo time.
Maybe a friend present who can keep an eye on things (less money / gold).
And yes, no monkey sandwich story.
But Mrs. Bootz can ask a million questions, right?
Questions are always free.
Usually it's just the outward appearance, but in this case it's a way to get the spirits.
Good luck Cees.
LOUISE
I am writing a practical guide to farrangs in Thailand.
One section is about the sinsod. Might be interesting to read
http://www.freelearningthai.com/SINSOD.pdf
It is often the case that parents have taken out some kind of student loan for their children. They have to pay off that loan or else their child. Usually it ends up on the child himself. I would try to go after those papers and pay off that loan for the kid. With this, the new couple is at least rid of that debt, because sooner or later it will end up with them anyway. This means that you are no longer paying the mother. Then the dowry. This system must come to an end at some point. Just break it. That's how it started in Europe: people who stopped working on it! Difficult and getting used to for everyone, but the system must and can be broken! Just turn it around: mom/dad has to pay for her daughter's wedding!
It's all against tradition, but some traditions you just have to break! After all, this is about building a new life for a young couple. Times – also in Thailand – have changed.
Cees, read carefully what Ko says, it is actually “human trafficking” or “modern slavery”, it is not a tradition to pay enormous amounts of money that they have never seen in their entire lives! the phenomenon mainly occurs in Isan to use young people for their own lust, very reprehensible and not to participate in! In Europe, i.e. the Netherlands, the penalties are not lenient, you can count on a long prison sentence and a hefty fine for direct and/or indirect involvement.
The Thai government [PM Prayuth] has made it a top priority for all ministries to “Severely Punish Human Trafficking, and Martial Law still applies.
That you pay Cees for the wedding ok, but that doesn't cost much.... after that everything falls on your plate, a baby also costs a lot of money here in Thailand before it has grown up.
I sincerely wish you a lot of wisdom Cees.
You get married on the Amphur and it costs nothing. Coincidentally, my daughter got married in September and the groom's boy or parents have to pay for the Buddha's subsequent wedding. this takes place at the bride's parents' home and lasts all day, so at my place. It's a whole story.
If the bride is second hand, so not a virgin, it will cost and nothing will happen. Please note that getting married before the Buddha is NOT an official wedding, more of a party AFTER getting married on the Amphur.
Incidentally, that prank cost the groom's parents Baht 100.000 and my daughter was given two heavy gold chains by the groom during the ceremony in front of the Buddha, plus a gold ring. So in my opinion, if the girl is already pregnant then your wife only has to marry her son and the girl before the Amphur and that is the end of the matter.
However, I can understand the girl's parents that they want their daughter to also undergo this Buddha ceremony and as said, this must be paid for by the groom through his parents. Yes, this will cost approx. Baht 100.000 if done right. The money is not directly transferred to the parents of the bride but handed over in front of the Buddha during the ceremony. We had to advance everything and there was a specialized company in these matters that arranged everything. There were 3 major domos involved who made everything run smoothly. Hope this is of some use to you.