Reader question: baby on the way, upbringing and differences between Western and Thai culture
Dear readers,
After being married to my great Thai love Kanyada for 2,5 years, we are expecting our first child. The birth is due on December 19, and we are already asking questions about upbringing and dealing with the differences in our Western and Thai culture. Better early than late.
The apple of our eye will grow up in Belgium, but that does not exclude the fact that we - yes, it's a boy 🙂 - also want to teach him the values and standards of Thai culture. If he learns to shake hands here in Belgium, he learns the wai in Thailand, just to start with a basic example. Another example, here in our western society, adolescents can look at their parents with much less respect than they do in Thailand.
Our question is now the following: are there any of you readers who are also affected by this? So we are looking for Western-Thai couples with one or more children who grow up here in Belgium or the Netherlands, but who also come to Thailand, and of course end up in a completely different culture there. How do you teach a small child that there is a certain “set of rules” in Belgium/the Netherlands if I may describe it that way, and a completely different set of rules in Thailand (and other countries)?
Additional question: do you have experience with dual (Belgian and Thai) nationality?
All comments are welcome.
Thanks in advance,
Kanyada and Bruno
The only important thing is that your child grows up in a loving and stimulating environment. In contact with you and others, he automatically learns the 'values and norms' of the Belgian and Thai community. I don't think you should pay special attention to that. Incidentally, the 'values and norms' between Belgium and Thailand are not very different. They are the most human values such as love, understanding, openness, independence, etc.
It is about whether he will soon feel comfortable in the Belgian and Thai environment. For this it is absolutely necessary that he learns Thai in addition to Flemish. Let the father always speak Flemish and the mother always Thai and let the mother give him an hour of Thai lessons every day from the age of seven. The child already learns languages in the womb!
My son Anoerak, who turned seventeen the day before yesterday, speaks fluent Thai and Dutch. Reading and writing in Dutch is at primary school level: I taught him through the Wereldschool. He moves very relaxed both in Thailand and in the Netherlands. In the Netherlands he sits down with everyone at the table and stands up together and says goodnight, and in Thailand he sits down and gets up when he feels like it and only says goodnight to me. If your son knows Thai, it will be all right. It's going to be difficult without that.
I once met an eighteen-year-old Belgian-Thai girl, who grew up in Belgium, who wanted to get to know her 'roots' here and continue her education. She discovered that her Thai bar was bad and resented it very much for her mother.
Wanting to raise a child with all sorts of 'values and norms' in the back of your mind comes across as very cramped. For example, I know enough Thai children who do not care about their parents. Love and respect cannot be forced or taught. You can only lead by example and that is enough. Good luck!
Dear,
If I understand correctly, you want to raise your child in such a way that he will get used to/familiar with both the Belgian and Thai culture.
Keep in mind that he will absorb the Belgian much more, after all, he will live in Belgium.
For example, it may be difficult * to link the 'shaking hand' that he will probably learn at school to a 'wai'. Hereby learning that this is common in Thailand (and can not just mean hello)
* in the same time of learning
Not that it is impossible, but you and your wife will have to take / have the time for this and decide whether it is important at that time, when the child learns the Belgian values and standards, to teach him the Thai standards and values at the same time to learn.
For example, in the case of shaking hands and giving the wai, it is an option to teach this when he understands the full meaning of a hand shake.
For example, learning shower options (shower as we know it or with a saucepan from a water basin) can be taught at the same time (in a short period of time).
And don't forget that your wife will also keep her own habits that will automatically be passed on to the children. Consider, for example, the way of cooking.
You could also let your wife speak both Belgian and Thai to your child, so that a piece of Thailand remains.
You will also occasionally be able to visit a temple in Belgium / the Netherlands to learn the habits and customs and to preserve the piece of Thai culture.
It is therefore possible to teach your child Thai standards / values / habits / customs, but please note that this cannot always be done immediately.
My thought (am awaiting MVV visa) when my family will be in the Netherlands is an 80/20 ratio. 80% Dutch norms/values/habits/customs and 20% Thai.
We currently maintain these values for Thailand.
Our children are raised 80% in the Thai way and 20% in the Dutch way.
In order not to forget / to keep their background, but still to be able to focus on the customs of the country in which they reside.
Kind regards, Hendrik S.
Growing up in Belgium means that your influence is great, and the chance of family conflicts is smaller. You shouldn't let that pass either. The place determines a lot, so your wife is at a disadvantage in Belgium, keep that in mind. The conflicts that arise in raising children in Thailand in a mixed marriage are often family related. You are then not only dealing with your wife, mother of your child, but with a whole family that has been raising children for centuries and will not accept "other" ways of thinking quickly, or at all. Your wife would be in between and often has to choose. Good luck later.
We also have a so-called mixed marriage. After working for many years in my own Thai company and getting to know my wife better in my office. Married, child and back to Belgium for the business.
Child now 6 years old and raised multiculturally. Buddhism, Catholic (but not fanatical), Belgian school, dual language + English. In short, everything goes smoothly. Sometimes small problems, but they have to be viewed a bit wisely and also approached in a somewhat pedagogical way: e.g. son is sometimes ridiculed a bit by other children as being "Chinese" then you have to talk around that a bit and resolve that inner conflict for the chin. But that works pretty well and once those little students get used to it, it really runs perfectly. Don't be afraid to call a cat a cat, even to your child. Also against your wife who sometimes acts a little too quickly protectively.
We do come into contact with other mixed people in the Mechelen region and we feel good about it. Wife has an extensive circle of acquaintances in Belgium and of course also in Thai acquaintances.
It's nice to talk to "normals" in the same situation and to get together. We are lucky that many great Thai activities - organized by the Mechelen temple - take place in our municipality and find many friends there.
Join the club. You can always reach us via my email known to the moderator and would love to make contact with you.
RG