'Without Nam Jai you can't achieve anything!' – Dating in Thailand

Registering with a Thai relationship agency gives you a glimpse into a hidden world.

The friendly lady of the agency had described Pim in the best terms. What stuck was the comment: Pim, a Thai lady in her mid-40s is looking for a "mature gentleman".

Well, I understood what gentleman means, but that "mature" was a bit puzzling. In the dictionary it is translated in different ways and not always very flattering. The word can mean mature, but also mature or even old.

My first appointment with Pim was in Bangkok, in a small cozy restaurant that specialized in Moroccan cuisine. Whether you are considered mature or mature, you still want to make a good impression and despite the tropical heat I put on a nice pair of trousers and a nice long-sleeved shirt. Pim came in for the Thai climate matching wide dress.

Whether I was "mature" or not actually played no role anymore, because Pim was not looking for a life partner at all. She worked for the competition, in other words for another agency. “The big problem in our industry,” she said with disarming openness, “is very simple: only one man comes out of nine women who register with a placement agency.

It all started about a year ago, when yet another friend dumped me, frustrated by my many risky journey and irregular working hours as a journalist. A friend convinced me that, in order to combat loneliness, I should try my luck at a newly established relationship agency. Following the European and American example, their services are offered to people with a busy job for a considerable fee. After an extensive interview, in which everything from faith to hobbies and detailed personal preferences are discussed, they arrange appointments with suitable candidates in good restaurants.

In Thailand, at least in Bangkok, a gap has apparently been discovered in the market. Although Bangkok is advertised as "the city of angels" with more than enough entertainment in the entertainment centers and countless bars, - just like in many Western big cities - it is also difficult to get a lasting relationship here.

With what Pim told me now, I should feel like a rooster in a chicken coop. On the one hand. On the other hand, it also became clear to me that I was being taken a bit by the nose. After all, it went through my head, in case of a men shortage I should get money instead of paying 800 euros for the agreed 24 appointments.

And yet I do not regret the money paid. Because after living in Thailand for nine years, a world opened up for me that I had no idea about before. Bangkok is home to countless women between the ages of 30 and 50, at least some of whom want a life partner with a determination bordering on despair. “Thai men of your age”, Pim explained to me plainly. “think differently than Europeans or Americans. They think that for the money that has to be paid to a brokerage agency, they can also get a young woman between 20 and 30 years old.”

Older women suffer from this, such as Jum, 45 years old, ophthalmologist, divorced, whom I met next. “We have a surplus of women in Thailand,” she told me, “and half of the men are gay.” It doesn't take much imagination to understand that I soon felt myself in seventh heaven with such statements. The foreign man as lifebuoy and favorite of the women, I could not have imagined that in my wildest dreams.

Susan, daughter of an Indian father and a Chinese mother, bolstered my already heightened self-confidence. “Thai men don't suit women like me, who are successful in their jobs,” she complained, “they want more of a sweet housewife who tacitly and passively accepts all the antics of the husband.” Susan and I met at a well-known Italian restaurant whose prices were more expensive than the food. It's one of those occasions where you have to show your face once in a while if you want to make a difference in the better circles of Bangkok. The wine was good, the mood was quick, but then a shocking confession followed. Susan, an attractive woman in her early 40s, has not had a single relationship in her life. “I am the eldest daughter,” said the director of a marketing firm, “I have always taken care of my parents, as I was expected to do. My brothers and sisters are all married.”

I suddenly thought of a Thai expression that so-called bad daughters sometimes get thrown at them: "You think your husband is more important than your family." Personal freedom and privacy should always be left behind in Thailand when it comes to family ties. It is one of the many pitfalls of Thai culture that can affect marriages between foreigners and Thais. The American Chris Pizarro and the Thai writer Vitida Vasant have written a book about this, entitled “Thai fever”. As one of the biggest stumbling blocks they mention Nam Jai, which can be translated as 'juice of the heart' and which in fact means generosity.

“The importance of generosity in Thailand is so great that it far transcends all representations of privacy, independence and honesty, the authors argue. Nam Jai is one of the most important character traits that a man should have. Generosity not only to the beloved, but the whole family clique should be involved. For many Western foreigners, this custom is difficult to accept. They have been brought up to believe that a relationship involving money is more of a business transaction than love.

That lack of understanding for Nam Jai is often the reason why foreigners are seen as Kee Nieow – misers – the writers explain. The book has now become a kind of standard work, and I have already avoided making a bad impression during those meetings. Just as a gentleman would do, I kept trying to pay the bill at the end of the evening, which only got me angry looks. All the Thai ladies I met wanted to pay their own share of the bill.

The balance of my attempt to establish a relationship is not quite balanced. A new relationship is not really possible after 24 appointments, but I have made a number of friendships, especially with Pim. She also told me that four of the eleven women of her former school class have never married. It is clear to Pim why those four remained alone: ​​"Their family did not accept that, or the suitors were not rich enough or they had not grown up in well-to-do families."

Willi Germund (Berliner Zeitung) – translated by Gringo

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