Registering with a Thai relationship agency gives you a glimpse into a hidden world.
The friendly lady of the agency had described Pim in the best terms. What stuck was the comment: Pim, a Thai lady in her mid-40s is looking for a "mature gentleman".
Well, I understood what gentleman means, but that "mature" was a bit puzzling. In the dictionary it is translated in different ways and not always very flattering. The word can mean mature, but also mature or even old.
My first appointment with Pim was in Bangkok, in a small cozy restaurant that specialized in Moroccan cuisine. Whether you are considered mature or mature, you still want to make a good impression and despite the tropical heat I put on a nice pair of trousers and a nice long-sleeved shirt. Pim came in for the Thai climate matching wide dress.
Whether I was "mature" or not actually played no role anymore, because Pim was not looking for a life partner at all. She worked for the competition, in other words for another agency. “The big problem in our industry,” she said with disarming openness, “is very simple: only one man comes out of nine women who register with a placement agency.
It all started about a year ago, when yet another friend dumped me, frustrated by my many risky journey and irregular working hours as a journalist. A friend convinced me that, in order to combat loneliness, I should try my luck at a newly established relationship agency. Following the European and American example, their services are offered to people with a busy job for a considerable fee. After an extensive interview, in which everything from faith to hobbies and detailed personal preferences are discussed, they arrange appointments with suitable candidates in good restaurants.
In Thailand, at least in Bangkok, a gap has apparently been discovered in the market. Although Bangkok is advertised as "the city of angels" with more than enough entertainment in the entertainment centers and countless bars, - just like in many Western big cities - it is also difficult to get a lasting relationship here.
With what Pim told me now, I should feel like a rooster in a chicken coop. On the one hand. On the other hand, it also became clear to me that I was being taken a bit by the nose. After all, it went through my head, in case of a men shortage I should get money instead of paying 800 euros for the agreed 24 appointments.
And yet I do not regret the money paid. Because after living in Thailand for nine years, a world opened up for me that I had no idea about before. Bangkok is home to countless women between the ages of 30 and 50, at least some of whom want a life partner with a determination bordering on despair. “Thai men of your age”, Pim explained to me plainly. “think differently than Europeans or Americans. They think that for the money that has to be paid to a brokerage agency, they can also get a young woman between 20 and 30 years old.”
Older women suffer from this, such as Jum, 45 years old, ophthalmologist, divorced, whom I met next. “We have a surplus of women in Thailand,” she told me, “and half of the men are gay.” It doesn't take much imagination to understand that I soon felt myself in seventh heaven with such statements. The foreign man as lifebuoy and favorite of the women, I could not have imagined that in my wildest dreams.
Susan, daughter of an Indian father and a Chinese mother, bolstered my already heightened self-confidence. “Thai men don't suit women like me, who are successful in their jobs,” she complained, “they want more of a sweet housewife who tacitly and passively accepts all the antics of the husband.” Susan and I met at a well-known Italian restaurant whose prices were more expensive than the food. It's one of those occasions where you have to show your face once in a while if you want to make a difference in the better circles of Bangkok. The wine was good, the mood was quick, but then a shocking confession followed. Susan, an attractive woman in her early 40s, has not had a single relationship in her life. “I am the eldest daughter,” said the director of a marketing firm, “I have always taken care of my parents, as I was expected to do. My brothers and sisters are all married.”
I suddenly thought of a Thai expression that so-called bad daughters sometimes get thrown at them: "You think your husband is more important than your family." Personal freedom and privacy should always be left behind in Thailand when it comes to family ties. It is one of the many pitfalls of Thai culture that can affect marriages between foreigners and Thais. The American Chris Pizarro and the Thai writer Vitida Vasant have written a book about this, entitled “Thai fever”. As one of the biggest stumbling blocks they mention Nam Jai, which can be translated as 'juice of the heart' and which in fact means generosity.
“The importance of generosity in Thailand is so great that it far transcends all representations of privacy, independence and honesty, the authors argue. Nam Jai is one of the most important character traits that a man should have. Generosity not only to the beloved, but the whole family clique should be involved. For many Western foreigners, this custom is difficult to accept. They have been brought up to believe that a relationship involving money is more of a business transaction than love.
That lack of understanding for Nam Jai is often the reason why foreigners are seen as Kee Nieow – misers – the writers explain. The book has now become a kind of standard work, and I have already avoided making a bad impression during those meetings. Just as a gentleman would do, I kept trying to pay the bill at the end of the evening, which only got me angry looks. All the Thai ladies I met wanted to pay their own share of the bill.
The balance of my attempt to establish a relationship is not quite balanced. A new relationship is not really possible after 24 appointments, but I have made a number of friendships, especially with Pim. She also told me that four of the eleven women of her former school class have never married. It is clear to Pim why those four remained alone: "Their family did not accept that, or the suitors were not rich enough or they had not grown up in well-to-do families."
Willi Germund (Berliner Zeitung) – translated by Gringo
– reposted message –
About this blogger
-
Bert Gringhuis (1945), born and raised in Almelo in the beautiful Twente. Later lived for many years in Amsterdam and Alkmaar, working in export for various companies. I first came to Thailand in 1980 and immediately fell in love with the country. Been back many times since then and moved to Thailand after my (early) retirement as a widower. I have been living there for 22 years now with my somewhat younger Thai lady Poopae.
My first experiences in Thailand as a kind of newsletter sent to family, friends and acquaintances, which later appeared under the name Gringo on Thailandblog. Many, many articles followed those first stories and that has grown into an almost daily hobby.
In the Netherlands still an avid footballer and football referee, but the years are starting to tell and in Thailand still avid, but the pool billiards is really of inferior quality, ha ha!
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This story just kicks in open doors. There are tens of thousands of these ladies in Bangkok alone. These ladies are highly educated, have a great career, or are successful businesswomen, and have usually already seen a nice part of the world. these ladies are very open minded and are looking for a partner of the same level. So Pattayangers with the mentality that goes with it are really not the kind of man they are looking for. The vast majority of these ladies have an ethnic Chinese background. They all have a very busy social life, and that certainly does not take place in the local beer bar with a billiard table. but in the better eateries. So a possible partner should not be out of place there. And must also accept that such a busy social life is very important for her professional life and her network, which in
Thailand is essential, because without a good network you are nowhere in Thailand.
I have had some relationships with such ladies and also married one of them. She was 45 when I met her, never had a relationship, so no children and coming from a middle class family and had an executive position. Like many of her peers, the prospect of growing old alone was not an attractive prospect. But she wanted a man who suited her and who had knowledge of Thai (Chinese) culture. I had become a widower after a 32-year marriage with a Sino/Thai wife. So that picture fit perfectly. Was also the case in a previous relationship with a very successful businesswoman. This relationship failed but we broke up amicably and still keep in touch via FB.
My wife has a class reunion almost monthly with classmates from high school, but of those 15 classmates, 10 have never had a relationship. This just to give you an idea.
Finally, I would like to say that the book "Thai Fever" is the greatest nonsense I have ever read. If you follow the advice (written by the Thai co-author) from the book, you are heading for a debacle. Because those pieces of advice are the ultimate wish list of Isan gold diggers. Want to strongly emphasize that not all Isan ladies are gold diggers.
If I read all this like this, I don't really feel the need to go into the higher circles, but maybe it will come, I certainly wouldn't look out of place I think……….
But when it's hot I certainly don't wear my long-legged pants and my long-sleeved shirt anyway, so it won't work out in the end.
Was Willi rather unfamiliar with the practice? Personally, I can't deal with books about relationship advice. The book mentioned was therefore rather entertaining and not particularly useful *). After all, it is about two individuals and how they interact and how they communicate. Thai/Asians are not from a different planet than Westerners/Europeans. In addition to how the two personalities interact, things like social environment/class say much more than which passport you have.
If you go into business with someone who is financially up to the water himself plus the whole family, you can indeed expect that the person who has it a little wider regularly helps out. And Thailand hardly has a welfare state, so it is already more common that you help the retired parents. We did and would do here too if the old people here would not have enough income for their old age.
If your date is a bit better off and comes from the (upper) middle class, they can take care of themselves. Then you are really not expected to pay the bill by default. That will depend more on how you respond to each other as a dating couple. 50/50 with the bill is really not a strange thing.
The young adult of today grabs a drink or a restaurant for a first date and then splits the bill. And then the family will not immediately knock on the door or shake a nice bucket of money out of the tree. But it just depends on who hits whom. And if you're both happy, great.
*I still remember that the authors write that the Thai are more conservative and may therefore be unfamiliar with oral sex and may find this idea very strange or even disgusting. 555 As if the Thais of today, aged 20-40, don't regularly use the internet… the target group therefore seemed to be the stereotypical middle-aged American man with ditto Thais from a simple farming family without real access to education or the internet. Nothing wrong with that, but a limited spectrum.
Our German reporter did find women with humor, because that surplus of women is not too bad. 51,9% of the population is female, 49,1% is male. If half the men are gay, I'm curious what's in the tap water (and why Prayuth hasn't done anything about it yet). 555
Source: 2010 Census & Google Translate:
http://popcensus.nso.go.th/home.php
Nice link!
Unfortunately the link is now dead. However, we can break down the figures further to see how many women there are in surplus for a certain age group. There are more males at birth, and due to their behavior and risks, males die earlier. Think of traffic accidents, fights, accidents on the work floor, etc. From the age somewhere in the 30s there are just as many men as women, after that more women than men. Bottom line, there are slightly more women than men in Thailand.
That's why I keep pointing out, if you find the fact that there are slightly more women than men a good excuse to take a Thai woman as a partner, then find an older Thai woman. There is a surplus. The older the better. 🙂
Prefer a young partner up to the age of 30-35? Fine, then choose a male partner. There seem to be quite a lot of gays so go to Thailand, drink some water (or else the amazingly high ratio of gays that are said to be there according to several people), also become gay or bi and marry a nice Thai man. Or return in the next life as a woman and find a nice Thai man.
Figures 2020 CIA factbook (those from other sources/measurements hardly differ)
Birth: 1,05 males to 1 females
<15 years: 1,04 men to 1 women
15-24 y: 1,04 males to 1 females
25-54 y: 0,98 males to 1 females
55-64 y: 0,88 males to 1 females
65+: 0,77 men to 1 women
Total: 0,96 males to 1 females.
In percentages:
0-14 years: 16.45% (male 5,812,803/female 5,533,772)
15-24 years: 13.02% (male 4,581,622/female 4,400,997)
25-54 years: 45.69% (male 15,643,583/female 15,875,353)
55-64 years: 13.01% (male 4,200,077/female 4,774,801)
65 years and older: 11.82% (male 3,553,273/female 4,601,119)
Picture: https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/attachments/images/large/TH_popgraph2020.JPG?1584365524
Source:
- https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/th.html