Is a long distance relationship possible?
Is a relationship with a Thai woman at a distance of more than 9.000 kilometers as the crow flies? I think so.
When I told friends and acquaintances years ago that I had an affair with a lady from Thailand, the reaction was often: “A long distance relationship? That's not going to work.”
This kind of folk wisdom is usually based on biased statements, because when I ask the counter question: “Do you have experience with it then?”, you are then looked at sheepishly and you get the response: “Eh, no, not that…”.
Whether or not something works in a relationship depends of course on many factors and circumstances. And even more from the people in question. When I can accept such a relationship but my girlfriend can't, it becomes difficult. So far, things are going pretty well for us. We have now had a long-distance relationship for about 4,5 years.
An important condition is of course that you are clear from day 1 about what you do and do not want. For me that is the choice not to live in Thailand. She knows that. I explained to her why several times. I have my work and my social life here in the Netherlands, which is worth a lot to me. Maybe I will think differently when I retire, but that will take a long time.
Another option is that she comes to live with me in the Netherlands. She would like to, but I have my reservations. I wonder if I'm doing her any favors with that. She has been here twice now for three months, but always in the summer. Before I make such a decision, I want her to also experience a winter period. Life in the Netherlands is completely different in winter than in summer. In the summer the Netherlands is beautiful, you can go outside, cycle, have a picnic, etc. In the winter you are mainly indoors. She can't handle that very well, quickly feels trapped. The neighborhood where I live is also very quiet. Quite different from what she is used to. I am therefore afraid that she will become deeply unhappy during a depressed winter in the Netherlands. Well, that will show. Maybe it's not too bad.
Until now we see each other at intervals of about seven months. Because I will be staying in Thailand for three months and she will be staying in the Netherlands for three months afterwards, we will be together for six months. In the meantime, we Skype every day. I gave her my previous iPhone so we can see each other when we call, so nice. She also has enough distractions because she works in Thailand and is not bored for a moment, the same applies to me here.
When we see each other again after many months it is always special, it keeps the tension there.
I don't have a crystal ball and I don't give any guarantees, but so far I can confirm that a relationship at a distance is indeed possible.
I wonder if there are Dutch or Belgians among the readers who also have a relationship at a distance? If so, let me know how that goes?
Dear Peter
I can't call a relationship where you see each other for 6 months and then 6 months off with the best will in the world a 'distance relationship'. If you - as a Thai woman - are married to a Dutchman who has a few shops here in different cities in Thailand (and is often away from home for that, perhaps an average of 4 days a week), that is about the same as your relationship.
Of course, it really depends on the two people who enter into a relationship. For myself, I want to be with the person I love as much as possible. I would therefore have a lot of trouble with such a distance relationship. I chose to work here in Thailand, under different circumstances and with a different salary, but every day I am so happy that I meet my lovely wife at home (and not on skype).
Bit of nonsense reasoning Chris 4 days away from home or half a year 9000 km further, do you feel the difference.
Agree. It is the same in terms of time but not in terms of regularity.
I myself am usually in Thailand for about 3,5 weeks and then out of the country for work for 2,5 weeks. So you could say 7 months with my girlfriend and 5 months of work. But if I were in Thailand for 7 months straight and then gone for 5 months, I don't think it would work for me either.
It all just depends on how you are. One can and the other can't.
You have a physical distance, which is great with you but bridgeable, and it is much less important than a spiritual distance and the latter distance is apparently very small with you and that is what matters. A small physical distance and a large, psychological, emotional and unbridgeable distance, that is really nasty.
Beautifully written Tino, if the mind is willing and able, you can go a long way. My partner and I also had a long-distance relationship for 2 years, during which I only spent two months in Thailand and she spent one month here for ninety days. My girlfriend is now here with me in the Netherlands. That makes it all a lot easier, being physically together is simply more pleasant. But we also did well on the long distance, which is a lot easier nowadays with the internet (webcam). With only communication by telephone or only by carrier pigeon it would have been a lot harder...
Good luck Khun Peter, with your character you can take on the whole world! Invite her indeed sometime during the winter season. 🙂
For me you only have a real relationship with someone if you actually sleep with it every night and wake up with it, the rest is LAT and you can have it with several people at the same time.
I was in a long distance relationship for five years before we got married. Moving to another country with a different culture and language is not easy. After those five years (well what is actually five years in a lifetime, if you regularly write, call and sometimes see each other) we were both sure and she came to the Netherlands, after a Buddhist wedding in Thailand. Exactly one year later we were legally married in the Netherlands. We still don't regret it 18 years later. Not even those five years.
A long distance relationship is certainly possible. In my time, Dutch seafarers were away from home for five months, then three months of paid leave. Spouse or girlfriend was also allowed to sail regularly. Worked great, no divorce, kids did well in school. It's about the people and how they deal with it.
Beats. But those times have also changed a lot. Most Dutch women are no longer waiting for a man with such a profession and such a life.
Of my former classmates at the nautical college (about 11 years ago) I know hardly one who is married to a Dutch person. All Thai, Russian, South African, Brazilian, Canadian etc you name it all.
Or they eventually stop and take a shore job.
It is striking that this was completely different for the older generation that was still feeding, they mainly had Dutch women. They also sometimes had their wives with them, often to the chagrin of the other crew. And the higher in rank hubby was, the more annoying the women usually were 😉
Nowadays, marriages are viewed differently in Dutch society, work and income or social status are less important, partly because the Netherlands has a very large prosperous middle class and that is why the outside world also views long-distance relationships differently.
Have been a sailor for 43 years, nowadays the leave scheme is better arranged, when I just went to sea the trips were 10 months "Sea towage service" later it became one on one. Have been married for 15 years and have been away from it for 12 years, and Been home 2 times for Christmas. There are still many people who are separated from their loved ones for work.
Although I now live in Thailand, I still have to go abroad for work a few times a year for 2 months.
At the time, it was 1982, I entered into a relationship with a Thai. It was a long-distance relationship for a year, when Skype didn't exist at all and it was therefore only by letter that we kept in touch. After all, it took almost a full year before the necessary documents were ready, and all that because a provincial councilor and his cousin who worked at the ministry in Brussels put their shoulders to the wheel. Finally, my girlfriend was able to come over to Belgium with a tourist visa, valid for 3 months. That was between Christmas and New Year 1983, in full winter with snow, sleet, frost, rain…. So everything on and on. For her it was something she had never experienced before and at the end of those 3 months she had the choice between returning to Thailand or marrying me. She chose the latter and we were married on the day of spring in 1984. She has always loved going in and still lives there. After 17 years of marriage, things still went wrong, but for very different reasons than the climate. Now I married her cousin in Thailand to avoid the paper mill in Belgium, it was then 2004. Here it's a piece of cake, in a good half hour we were legally married and after our honeymoon we went to live in Belgium. My second wife has also adapted wonderfully well to our living environment, to the extent that she would rather have stayed in Belgium instead of coming to live in Thailand. It was then October 2007, but the financial side of things forced us to come and live here in Thailand (way too many taxes, too high insurance premiums, etc.). Even then we already saw the crisis coming. So you should not be afraid to bring your girlfriend to the Netherlands. You can almost be sure that she will be able to find her feet there and your marriage will be a success story. But why not come and live in Thailand once you are retired??? Much cheaper living and a beautiful culture and nature. I certainly wouldn't want to trade places with that rainy country of ours, where the costs are skyrocketing.
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I am also currently in a long distance relationship with my Thai girlfriend. It's been working fine for 7 years now. Although I visit her twice a year in Thailand, I would like to have her with me all the time. Because my job is currently under threat and many layoffs are looming, I am a bit unsure about my future. If I am laid off, it will probably be difficult to quickly find a job in my industry again. (graphically) Moreover, I don't have the financial means to fly back and forth twice a year. The last few days I've been thinking a lot about maybe going to Thailand for a few years and setting up something there with my girlfriend. We already have a few ideas. Maybe I like it there so much that I will stay there permanently. And otherwise, when the crisis is a bit over, maybe come back to the Netherlands with her for a while. But until then it will remain with Skype.
In my immediate environment I also see relationships where the man lives and works in his country for a few months and then returns to Thailand. Well, I can't look into anyone's heart, but what I find out through my girlfriend, there are women who handle it well and wait faithfully for their husbands; but also women, who have one or more substitutes, who help to bridge the waiting times.
Because of my profession as a steward, I have only known relationships where I was always away from home for about four days. Now that I have been retired for a year and live here in Thailand 24/7 with my girlfriend, I realize what I didn't have in my life. I think my last marriage (it would have been 24 this month - divorce is pending) was broken up by my many absences. Well, many factors play a role. But I wouldn't want it again.
And about wintering in the Netherlands. You should try it with her and not assume how you think she would feel. There are plenty of Thai women who are learning to live with it. Let her make the decision. Good luck.
Correct about the first. Do you know who do that, not so much a Thai replacement but, for example, another foreigner. This is not always for financial gain, but in relationships where the man can only go to Thailand for 3-4 weeks a year, such a woman has very little security. Suppose a problem arises and you are no longer able to travel, or you are fed up one day and you don't come back, she has 2 or 3 as a backup. Thai women are usually very practical in this regard. Has nothing to do with bargirls or sending money, I know girls from college here who even do that. They assume that when they approach 30, finding another man will be difficult, so waiting x number of years in uncertainty is a huge risk for them.
So if you are in that situation, where you can only travel 3-4 weeks a year, make sure you know that you come first.
Dear Peter,
I wish you the best of luck with your husband, oh how beautiful love can be. I myself am from Belgium. I have been coming to the land of smiles for 15 months about 2 years ago. Have tried to build a relationship in the past during my stays. But I don't think we made good agreements then. But hey, this is a thing of the past. I am now 62 years old. and retired. Since June 2013, I decided to definitively (?) come here. I am in Sisaket Province and I met a girl. Things were a bit difficult at first, but now we have our own house. So far so good. As you say, I don't have a crystal ball either. But my girl also tells me not to think too much about the future. We continue day by day and so far we are both very happy. I hope, Peter, that your relationship continues, I'm sure. One more piece of advice to people: Make good agreements first, that already counts for 1%.
Moderator: Your comment is off topic.
Hi,
I also have a long distance relationship for 6 years, works fine so far also I see her every day on skype too.
Now she has been here for 3 months she will stay until mid-November, at first she wanted to come in the winter months I am glad I didn't because she is already cold. I don't know yet how the future will be, but I do know that I will move to Thailand for my retirement and that I will not spend my money in the Netherlands.
gr Rene