'Reality in Thailand'
“Say Herman, what happened to us? Nothing is as it used to be between the two of us?"
“Dear Nai, I'd better ask you that, because I haven't changed much, if at all. You are the one who breaks new ground and changes everything.”
"Herman, we've both gotten older and I still have to take care of a life without you."
"Do you mean to say that you have already written me off?"
“Herman, what are you talking about? I love you like from day one, but the age difference, huh!”
“I understand, my dear, but the will has already been made, so what more needs to be done then?”
“Herman, why do you say that? You know that I love you, don't you?"
“Yes, sometimes I believe that myself!”
“Herman, stop whining”
"Honey, I don't care what you say, but what you do!"
“Yes Herman, I have a new job, isn't that good for you too?”
“Dear Nai, now that you work in that new restaurant, I hardly see you anymore. Once a week, do you think that's a sign of our deep love?"
“My Buddha, Herman, I have always been faithful to you, but we are both old. We must take care of our old age!”
I give up, go outside and, sitting on a bench, let the film of the last few years pass me by. My God! When I first met her, was I naive or stupid? Nothing is as it once was. I don't remember, I need to talk to someone.
It's market day, so I meet my buddies in our regular pub near the market. They greet me with a loud voice, but immediately see that I am rather depressed.
“What's going on, Herman? Are you not feeling well or have you not had a beer for a few days?”, Jens suggests.
I take the hint, order a round and tell them about my problems with Nai. They patiently listen to my story and when I'm done, Olivier says, "Welcome to the real world of Thailand!" I look at him blankly: “What do you mean by that?”
"Herman, your crush was not normal: it's sweetie here, sweetie there, that's all just appearance, that's not real life!"
“For me, I mean for us it certainly was!”
“Then it is probably high time that you get used to normal conditions in Thailand”
"You mean what I'm going through right now is normal in this country?"
“Of course, Herman, I will tell you what happened to my Thai sweetheart”
One by one, the men tell what they had experienced with their Thai ladies in recent years and what problems they encountered. It didn't really make me happy, but it did me good that I wasn't alone with my problem.
“Be glad you lasted this long,” says Jens, who concludes with “when I married my Thai wife, the shine from before we got married was gone right after our honeymoon!”
Source: Freely translated from German after a story by CF Krüger in Der Farang
Yes, that Herman is confused because falling in love turns into loving, that is quite a normal course of a marriage, whether this is a mixed marriage or not. The woman only wants to work to save for the future, isn't there anything wrong with that? Cheating or other weird antics she doesn't like. And those friends there are of no use to him with their comments, this is Thailand! Every person develops and changes, Nai thinks of the future for the two of you and that is worth a compliment.
Does he realize after years that he is some kind of policy insurance for her instead of real love?
This Herman may look in the mirror, that's not how you talk to your wife, except when you've grown weary of marriage, something that happens so often, an underlying disappointment and imagination that it was all different, better and you fall short, for Herman Yes, for his future-oriented wife No.
Too bad, such a conversation destroys more than you would like.
Nico B
The splendor of a marriage is not lost if there is a willingness to give each other space for one's own development, and that requires a different way of being present in the present moment.
Would this really make that much of a difference to the Netherlands?
One in three marriages end prematurely these days!
Perhaps his use of words and argumentation is not too well chosen, but I do understand Herman's position and complaints.
They are not married with such a beautiful wedding cake (see photo) and then live separated from table and bed.
If Nai is away from home so much, they become alienated from each other and that can be extra difficult for Herman because he is and remains a stranger in a foreign country in Thailand. Officially he is even an “alien” and on immi he is periodically reminded of this. If he also happens to live in "deep Thailand", he even loses his name and is called after a thousand times a day as "fallang".
“No money, no honey love” is a well-known phenomenon (not only) in Thailand, but “money and no honey” is absolutely crazy.
I know a few farrang in Thailand who feel quite alienated from their wives. But then because of the fact that the woman completely relies on her Thai family and hardly has any eye for the husband. If bills from the family are also presented, that is sometimes the drop that breaks the camel's back.
Herman must really like to see Nai to try to glue the pots in those circumstances.
Welcome to the club. Thought my wife was different (she never had a relationship before) but in the end thanks to the advice of "friends" they are the same. Luckily we have a daughter so who knows.
When I read this like this I wonder if Herman shouldn't get to work? Or is he retired and his wife not yet? Then it becomes bridging until she stops too. If she is still many years away from her pension, it will be difficult, one of the disadvantages that you can see coming with a large age difference.
Herman should listen a little less to the lamentation of his friends. It seems that not the most optimistic people or the most warm ... seem to have no interest in tenderness (baby) and use nationality as an explanatory excuse for a few things. Brrr. If someone tells me 'well that's a German/Jap/.. it's in the nature of the beast' then I either burst out laughing or in tears of misunderstanding. Nonsense that seek excuses behind the culture/nationality label.
Maybe Herman should also go out more often, outside the pub. Preferably with his love. If he and she talk about it, hopefully they will find a middle ground. If necessary, reserve only that one day for time together if it doesn't work out on other parts of the day. A relationship dies if you are barely together and without mutual communication you can forget about it completely. So come on Herman, put your shoulders to the wheel. 1 in 3 relationships fail, so the fact that her partner comes from another country seems of little relevance to me.
It looks like his sweetheart is busy with their joint future in old age. It didn't fall on the back of her head. Substitute "Thai" for "German" and the story still stands. The couple just needs to do more things together again. That is the simple worldly reality.
Thai women take a farang as a guarantee for their continued life. they are then assured of an income (pension). If they work for the state, they have a small pension. know someone who works in a bank. If she stops, she will receive 1.500.000 Tbt for the rest of her life. That seems like a lot, but in Thai hands it is not.
Does she really like her boyfriend? what did you think, money keep her smiling. Thailand the land of smiles.
dear Ron.
That does not apply to everyone. My wife earns more than me (and I'm a university lecturer) and a managing partner of a company. In addition to a good pension, she can also cash in her shares in the business in due course. I have to be happy with her (and I am) because I really can't get that much money together.
And I'm not the only foreigner who has a wife with an excellent job.
Think if Herman takes good care of his wife after his passing that she will not work.
Just arrange everything for your next of kin in a timely manner and explain this well. How much she can expect monthly etc.
Do you have this or do you not want to arrange this, it makes sense that she will work on her old age herself.
A house alone is actually not enough, stones are so heavy on the stomach.
A monthly pension for food etc is definitely needed.
My wife does not have to work outside the home, savings and investments take care of her, the children already take care of themselves. She had/has a full-time job to 'take care' of me, I still work and she makes sure that the household is running and the house is not neglected.
Her job is harder than mine...believe me. She actually earns more than me, but she doesn't get it...
She was working when I met her, but also weekends and evenings and I didn't think that was a good idea, I wanted her to be with me, to be home, but she had ongoing costs. Own house/mortgage a mother to take care of. I replaced that income… seemed logical to me
Now that we are approaching my retirement, we are looking forward to it more and more. Piece of land, new habitation largely financed by her house…
We have a relationship just like any other and in any other country of residence, you fall in love, get engaged, get married and the butterflies leave where the ordinary enjoyment of each other enters the relationship.
You miss each other when the other is not there…..
I travel a lot and then you notice it more and more, I have always loved working but now looking forward to my retirement…. and the garden, the sun and the company…
I always thought what to do when I'm ready, my wife fills that vacuum.
Primarily in our relationship there is equality, differences and differences are simply discussed and both sometimes pour water into the wine….
It looks like a European relationship…. Crazy, huh?
Certainly in the beginning, social security, which a farang can offer, played a very important role for most of them.
Someone who thinks that his Thai wife has only taken him because of his beautiful blue eyes, is in my eyes an inveterate dreamer.
Of course she can also develop a lot of respect and feelings later on that can usually be seen as real love, but in a country where there is little social regulation, financial security will still remain a very important aspect.
If someone has enough money that he can provide her with enough security even after his death, she will certainly not work outside the house all week under normal good domestic circumstances.
If, in her opinion, this certainty is not available, it is obvious that she will start looking for this certainty again.
After all, it has very little to expect from the Thai state, and no human being can survive on love and respect alone.
Would this be different in the Netherlands, if social security practically did not exist, and the husband cannot provide sufficient security?
Dear John Chiang Rai,
So you know why my girlfriend chose me, very punishment!
Well, I don't have blue eyes and I'm certainly not an inveterate dreamer, but I can tell you with certainty that she didn't choose me for what you call 'social security'.
She works in education (as a supervisor), earning THB 42.000 net per month. About 1.000 TBH is added to this annually. As a pensioner, she will receive around THB 30.000 per month. Her house will be paid off in full by then. In addition, as a government official, she is entitled to free health insurance for life, and with her, so are her parents and husband, including me if we get married.
And no, I didn't choose her because of the free social security.
Dear Nico, If you would read my response one more time, you should notice that I have used the word (usually).
Of course there are exceptions as in your case, but you are not going to tell me that most of them are married to a Thai woman, who herself was looking for a farang for 42.000 Baht and later also have a good pension.
Or did you just want to let you know with your response that your wife has such a great job, and you were one of the lucky ones in Thailand?
Very many on the land earn if they have a job at all, often no more than 10 to 15.000 Baht, and would not have looked at a farang with the ass, if this were clearly different.
Again you may count yourself in a minority, but please don't pretend that this is the normal cross section.
Gr. John.
john,
I find it really regrettable that we, the 'rich farang from abroad', have to be made to feel guilty again and again because our wife only wants us for social security. Maybe it really is time to banish those prejudices.
We have already considered the fact that many Thai ladies have also followed their husbands abroad, are fully integrated into society there and have a full-fledged job there. They are not at all dependent on 'their' farang, on the contrary.
Some on the forum think they have a monopoly on the truth. Nico has a point. Maybe it's time for each of us to start sweeping in front of our own door instead of commenting on the others. Generalizing your own situation and selling it as truth on this forum is a bad idea.
Yes John, and you are always (usually) right. It's all about how you market it and apparently you can do that well.
Nico is one of the lucky ones if I have to believe you? Worse, he is among the minority who is so lucky with his wife. What twisted reasoning. So all the others, ie the majority, are with the unlucky ones. Their wife initially chose them for his well-stocked bank account. And if she is even more lucky, her farang has blue eyes, no beer belly and he is not many times older than herself. Man man man, I will soon ask my spouse where her priorities are. If you're interested I'll let you know.
John, I do read a lot of negativity in your post though. I wonder to what extent you feel happy?
How someone got to know his future Thai wife and why that Thai lady chooses a Farang is different for everyone. I don't agree with tarring everyone with the same brush. Even better, you don't have to judge that, let alone condemn it.
To make the same statement here that every Thai lady chooses her foreign husband for his money, unfortunately that says what you think about it. Maybe you should think about why a Thai woman does NOT choose to go into business with a Thai man. A farang is not only attractive for its money, a farang simply has other advantages than its bank account. Or shall we turn it around John, a Thai man has a lot of disadvantages that you don't find with many foreigners. If I'm not mistaken, this has been discussed in detail in another thread.
It's time to take off your blinkers. And yes, love and respect is the basis for a successful marriage John. Without that, the farang's money will not make a marriage last. But who knows, you may live in another world!
My wife comes from a poor family, had very little income, and, like so many Thai women, is also many years younger than their farang partner.
She is caring diligent and frugal, reading my every wish from my lips, so that I feel that by now we both love and respect ourselves very much.
I'm saying now, because I'm realistic enough that she chose me for her social security in the first place.
I feel very happy, I don't want to generalize that it should be the same for everyone, but I am convinced that I am in a boat with a lot of similar passengers.
What's so hard to just have to admit, that it wasn't a crush in love on her part in the beginning, but just looking for social security?
If I were to ask my Thai wife whether social security played a major role in her farang choice in the beginning, I would logically be told, just like many others, how did you get there.
A question I would therefore never ask them, because in all her further honesty she can never give an answer, which she feels might be better left unsaid.
Everyone may find me an annoying fellow, but I maintain that my situation, which I am very happy with, is certainly not uncommon.
Dear John, I think the generalization that Thai women choose a foreign partner for more social security jobs is on par with the widely held claim that farang choose for
Thailand because they failed and frustrated in their choice of partner in their homeland. Why do you choose a partner who cannot fully express herself in your language, keeps her emotional life to herself, never shows the back of her tongue, depends on your financial favors and ultimately chooses you from a survival strategy?
Dear Cora, Admittedly I had already had a marriage in Europe, with which I no longer felt happy.
Not that I was so frustrated, and had reached an age where I thought I would no longer be able to work in terms of partner choice in Europe.
On the contrary, but it happened to me during a vacation that I, like many other farang men, was very attracted by her charm and caring.
A charm and care, which she certainly used in the beginning to land with me of all places.
In addition to 3 other languages that I speak fluently, I also spoke a little bit of Thai, and enjoyed teaching us our language in such a contradictory way.
That we could not express ourselves in this way in the beginning, if this might have been desirable, is a fact that everyone who chooses a foreign partner will be confronted with.
She has done her very best to learn my language, and I have done the same to get a little further as a mere Sawadee Krap.
We are both happy to talk about anything and everything, now know our mutual feelings, and just like in a European marriage, both have the same rights and obligations.
Also, if there is really reason to, she can show the back of her tongue, and does not have to try to prevent this in any way because she is financially dependent on me.
In fact, my money is her money, and I will never reproach her that it was actually different in the past.
My reactions are only about the fact, what her motivation was in the first instance, and although many like to believe otherwise, the search for social security played a very large role in this.