Should Thai women be thankful?
There are plenty of stories on this blog about strange and sometimes unreasonable behavior from Thai women. But what is the other side of the coin, are Western men always fair and fair to their Thai wife or girlfriend?
What strikes me about Western men is that they often believe that their Thai wives should be especially grateful. This mindset usually leads to tension and relationship problems.
Not all Western men act like this, of course, but when there are relationship problems, it usually comes up. They believe that she should not whine and be happy with her 'new life'. They also think that if she complains about something, she is immediately ungrateful.
Gratitude basis for a relationship?
When these men discuss the latest encounter with the Thai partner, you often hear the following comment. “She has definitely forgotten where she came from. When I met her she lived in a hovel and slept on the floor.” Does this automatically mean that she should also take everything and be submissive? Is that a healthy basis for a relationship?
If you don't understand her opinion or needs, how can you expect her to always be happy because she's sleeping in a comfortable bed?
Of course, may she thank you. Lots of western men in Thailand have made great (financial) sacrifices for their Thai wives. Some gratitude is quite appropriate, but not to the extent that it detracts from the role of the woman in the relationship. She also contributes to the relationship in her own way, something the man should also be grateful for. In an equal and healthy relationship, gratitude and respect should be a two-way street.
Naive ideas about Thai women
Many men come to Thailand with the intention of finding the woman of their dreams. I think many make the mistake of not having thoroughly studied Thai culture beforehand. They mainly have naive ideas about Thai women. They think they are going to 'rescue' a Thai girl from her poor life. In return, they would like some kind of eternal gratitude and expect the woman to always show this to him.
Well, the bad news is that most Thai women don't feel they need to be 'saved'. They love their country and their family. They usually have many friends and have an excellent social life in Thailand. Yes, many Thai women are poor, but that doesn't mean they are unhappy. They don't want to change the current life. They just want more money so they can have more fun.
Financial security
Many Thai women are open to a relationship with a Western man. Thailand has one of the most open and tolerant societies in Asia. A relationship with a farang is a good option for a Thai woman.
One of the advantages that Thai women see in a relationship with Western men is that they can provide more financial security than most Thai men. However, they are also looking for the other aspects that women expect from a good relationship, such as love and respect.
Full partner
They don't want a relationship where the man constantly expects her to be grateful to him. Who wants such a relationship? Who wants to be considered inferior all the time because she has no money? And is she therefore not allowed to co-decide on financial matters? Does she need to be constantly reminded where she comes from?
Marriage is a matter of give and take. Both parties must be able to compromise and respond to their partners' needs. It is certainly a fact that some Thai women are not very good with money. In that case it is better that the man takes care of the financial affairs. But that doesn't mean that your Thai wife or girlfriend can't interfere with the destination of the money, or she has to like everything.
Old life
The main reason that Thai women are not as grateful as Western partners would like is that they don't mind if they have to go back to their old lives. They don't mind sleeping on the floor. A warm shower is comfortable, but a bowl of cold water will also clean you. It's the life they know. They are not afraid of having to pick up that life again. They are not always grateful for all the luxuries because that is not the most important thing for them.
Family and respect, two important things
There are two aspects that most Thai women want in the life they lead. In the first place, Thai women find it important to support the family financially. Sometimes it is a small contribution, but there are also those who never have enough.
The second is clear. It's what everyone wants in a relationship, to be loved and respected. Feeling equal and important. All the luxury in the world can't compensate for being treated like a doormat. It's the same for them as it is for us. The feeling that you completely belong.
Swedish man
A while ago I fulfilled the somewhat embarrassing role of an interpreter for a Swedish man who intended to have a relationship with a Thai girl. I knew the woman she was the neighbor and a good acquaintance of my wife. The Swedish boy did not speak English, he had a friend who translated Swedish into English. The Thai woman didn't speak a word of English, so I translated it into Thai for her.
The Swedish boy was up holiday for two weeks and was looking for a Thai woman. He was very happy to have met a Thai woman who was not a bar girl. He repeated a few times that he thought he was too smart to marry a Thai bargirl. That was the reason he chose her, a beautiful Thai woman. He had seen her in a restaurant and asked her out. They had been out a number of times but could barely communicate with each other. She is very beautiful young lady. What he couldn't know is that she was a lesbian.
We all went to a restaurant together. And he wished someone could help him translate everything she wanted to tell.
"I want to marry her."
Our lesbian friend was a bit surprised by this sudden proposal. Aside from being a lesbian, she had only dated him a few times. However, like most Thais, she didn't look behind her cards. She chose to let the Swedish man finish his story.
"She's moving to Sweden with me."
That is one of the classic mistake many western men make. They are convinced that they are making a generous offer to a Thai by saying that she can move to another country for a while. Well, it's no secret that Thais love living in Thailand. The only reason for Thai to move abroad is to earn money. They do not go abroad for more luxury. They do want a better lifestyle but in Thailand. They go abroad to earn a lot of money. Finally, they come back to Thailand with the saved money.
“She will learn to speak Swedish.”
Learn a new language – just a small request. Our friend was convinced that this was only a side effect for her.
“She will come to live in my house.”
A generous gesture, that your wife may live in your house.
“She has to cook, clean the house and do the laundry.”
Yes, this man really knows what he wants. A beautiful Thai woman as a mistress. I wondered why he hadn't found a Swedish woman. He didn't make that many demands.
"If she wants to send money to her family, she has to get a job and earn the money herself."
He had, of course, already read about Thai women. He knew that Thai women send money to support the family. He therefore thought it only reasonable not to pay for this irritating use. After all, she would still have enough free time left over for a job in addition to housework and her marital responsibilities.
Note the lack of question marks in this dialogue. It never occurred to him that the Thai woman would say 'no' to his proposals. No! She should be thankful to him!
Our friend took the time to think about the proposal. She enjoyed the dinner and then said firmly that she would not go to Sweden with him. The Swedish man looked surprised and shocked. He couldn't believe that this girl didn't want to be 'saved' by him. How could she be so stupid as to say 'no' to such an opportunity, he said gruffly and left.
Save from her poverty-stricken existence?
I am only telling this story to give some insight into the strange ideas that Western men sometimes have about Thai women. They are really not desperate for someone to rescue her from her poverty-stricken existence. Whereby she will then crawl for the rest of her life for her savior on the white horse out of gratitude. And even if it were, it's not the basis for a normal relationship.
A relationship with a Thai woman should also be based on equality and giving and taking on both sides.
There are some besotted foreign village idiots running around Farang Kee Nok in Thailand
Usually they have the same problem in their country of residence, the colonial / authoritarian behavior of some generations back is still well in the genes, although I thought those Swedes were a bit less with that.
Thoughtless remarks can often be heard mutually, especially in the beginning of relationships.
Speaking of comments, how can you let yourself be put in front of such a cart, you read like this, the dyed-in-the-wool Thailand resident is going to hang out with the interpreter in a triangle, while today you really have plenty of options for a reasonable translation on your mobile.
It's also a bit strange that this lady or you don't mention that she prefers one of the other fifteen I think other variations of 'love of my life' sexuality that the Thai community has.
Boy jumps into the Baltic Sea when he comes home and his inflatable doll is lying.
Clear story for the rest every house has its cross, shall we say and before you have that in line, many may have stumbled once or twice.
Thank you for your insight into mixed relationships.
Dear Bird Poop,
I can largely agree with you. But still a small question. Why didn't you immediately make it clear to the Swedish man that this was a lesbian woman (girl?)? I get the feeling you set him up on purpose to prove your point.
Dear Tina,
You should feed them!
All those Thai, but also other nationalities, who pretend to be in love with a foreigner but are gay, asexual or possess another sexual variation, who only burn their ships behind them for their financial security. And move to a 'foreign' country at random.
It is what it is, this world has many cuts and people who think differently, it is a given, the shoemaker sticks to your last, comes time, advice will come.
Continue to enjoy Thailand, it really is a fascinating country, and first put your dirty laundry in the washing machine before hanging it outside.
To answer the question, I think that the majority of them should be grateful that men, women and everything in between know how to build a love relationship with a foreigner. The wealthy Thai choose candidates from their own castes because of financial matters and at the bottom of society finances also play a major role because love doesn't buy you rice.
Mia noi, pua noi and the rubbing houses all have the goal of escaping from the desired image of the ideal world and when things are going well financially one also turns a blind eye because there is security to be lost.
Nevertheless, it is all the more fun to simply grow old together with a partner if you are willing to overcome the difficulties of two cultures, where one thinks in love and the other in security.
Quote: Many western men in Thailand have made great (financial) sacrifices for their Thai wives. Some gratitude is quite appropriate, but not to the extent that it detracts from the role of the woman in the relationship.
It seems to me that those sacrifices are usually not made for the woman, but for the fulfillment of one's own wishes.
A pretty young woman for an ugly old guy, for example.
Should Thai women be grateful that they have hooked a farang, well sometimes it will be quite apt.
I say sometimes, because when I look in my environment, I believe it is often the other way around with many Thai / Farang relationships.
My Thai wife and I lived in Germany almost all summer before the pandemic, and mostly enjoyed the winter months at her home in Thailand.
I say extra her house, because although I admittedly paid most of it, I think differently than many other fellow sufferers, and just admit that it is only in her name.
Certainly I could have arranged this differently in writing, but if she no longer allows me into her house, this also applies to her in my house in Germany.
After all the years that I've known my wife, we don't give a damn about what someone owns.
I trust her so much that we have a common bank account together, where we also decide on purchases and expenses together.
Because I can only judge the Thai/farang marriages in my area, it strikes me that many farang regularly show their wives, even in company, that they ultimately depend on his property and good-naturedness.
My wife also comes because, in a confidential conversation with these women, she sometimes hears things from them that I believe no farang woman would experience.
Sometimes there is no trust on the part of the man towards the Thai woman, which makes you wonder why they are still together at all.
Sometimes I get together with these men because my wife wants to meet these couples and talk to her friends that way, and I'm actually forced to listen to their other half's passover boasting.
Now that my wife, after living in Germany for a number of years, speaks more German herself, and can also understand these men, she knows exactly what I have been telling her for years.
Although many of her friends, in my opinion, would have earned something completely different, apparently out of some kind of search for social security, they still stick with these types of men.
Men, few of whom understand nothing about their wives or their way of thinking, even though they still think the opposite.
Certainly, if I occasionally follow the comments on Thalland blog.nl, there are also plenty of other marriages where it functions significantly better. But in my small environment in Germany this is certainly a minority.
It seems to me that there are enough men who think their Thai wives should be grateful.
Sometimes they are not the most intelligent people either.
However, the medal still has 2 sides.
I also know plenty of men who follow their Thai wife like crazy, who really decides about everything.
Bought a house that was way too expensive, a car that was way too expensive, preferably BMW or Mercedes, Loans taken out to maintain the standard of living in the Netherlands.
Anything to keep the wife happy.
Some sell their house, say goodbye to their Dutch family and children from the first marriage, and faithfully follow their wives to a country where they do not speak the language and have almost no rights.
Proud that one can get another year of residence extension, as long as the income is sufficient.
Nice explanation,
but if no money is involved, and that is also the case in Vietnam, not much can be done.
don't believe in fairy tales,
Hugo
Thank you very much for your comments. There's a lot of value in it.
a relationship should always be entered into on the basis of equality. And that has little or nothing to do with money or goods. If you choose a lady who can't contribute the same, financially or mentally, then you have to think about that well in advance, otherwise the problems will be imminent.
Unfortunately, I have had to observe many times that the gentlemen farang usurp themselves and divine status and 99% based on the financial side.
You cannot think to govern a woman, either West or East, from your self-conceived financial superiority.
But on the other hand, it seems logical to me that there is a division of tasks, in terms of household, in NL you have also washed the dishes, used the vacuum cleaner or done the laundry?
I have also seen cases where the men grossly exaggerate their financial situation and the women therefore feel cheated.
Tell her the situation as it is, if she goes purely for the money she will ignore you... or she will empty everything and live happily on.
Hand on the purse strings until you understand the lady or gentleman in question and his/her motives. Believe me, the 'real love' factor is less common than we like to think.
Far too often it is just a calculation... nothing more... Sorry, but that's how it is...
I would call this a good article. Now we have to wait and see what the reactions will be…..
In fact, we could put this question in reverse: 'should Farang men be grateful to their Thai partner?
In my humble opinion, the emphasis is often placed on the financial aspect. Just as if for the Thai ladies it only comes down to this. It does play a role and why not, but where is this not the case. Are you going to make the choice to take 5 steps backwards instead of one forward?
And in answer to this question: see the 19-point program of contributor Piet recently. Wonder where the gratitude is supposed to come from? A free maid for all the work, having to pay for her own living and then, when he passes away, leaving her empty-handed... Where should the gratitude come from here?
Fortunately, there are also sensible and humane people in the world.
Very good article
I think that she should be grateful is the greatest nonsense ever written. I've heard people say a few times: she lives off your money and if she doesn't parry you have to threaten to turn off the money.
That's the last thing I would do. You live with someone and share together. Just because I have the biggest income doesn't mean I'm going to put pressure on my partner. I do keep an eye on where my money goes.
I can be grateful for the many times she helped me, because I didn't speak the language, for example. We wouldn't have had our home without her. And many other things I owe to my wife.
Fortunately, she is also a thrifty person and I can also consult with her.
We help each other and that should be normal.
Damn, if you have a thrifty wife, then you've won the grand prize.
A bit mean, to say the least, but the Thais I know, and I have lived here for 4 years now, are not thrifty at all.
It should once again be clear that wanting to possess someone else always ends in conflict and is often ultimately settled with a war (quarrel). We see this in many forms of faith and forms of power. This also applies to small marriages, so allowing and respecting each other is the basis of a happy society.
My wife does not have to thank me for all the things I have done for her, her children, grandchildren, brothers, sisters and parents.
It has been my own decision.
I also do not believe so, in remarks of a so-called neo-collonial attitude that some Dutch people would have.
The problems often arise when the woman, going on a road of cards with girlfriends, trips with girlfriends, does not want contact with Dutch acquaintances of the man. Money starts to borrow.
Then the man says: you may be grateful for all that I have done for you.
Many years ago, slogans 'who pays, decides' were quite popular on blogs and forums.
In plain Dutch, but also in many other languages, that means if it doesn't suit me, it won't happen.
Often a great excuse to force, not get, 'gratitude'.
It is also often relationships where the partner does not have to work, at least outside the door, where these kinds of questions come into play,
The causes you described Khun Moo are certainly also present in relationships with a downward spiral, but then 'you' often no longer have to wonder how your partner views the course of events if that is the common thread.
Although I can imagine that borrowing money for useful things and regular contact with foreigners, friends and fantastic acquaintances is not desired by everyone.
The Thais themselves have quite a lot of trouble with that one Wai is more than enough.
I never talk about what I brought into the marriage as assets as opposed to her share.
Understandably, it should also be quite humiliating for her to have to hear this over and over again.
My property is also her property, and it has been going well for more than 22 years.
Regarding gratitude, yes we are happy that we found each other.
Desiring one-sided gratitude every time is not good in the long run in any marriage, especially since it is very humiliating.
It is absolutely true that Thai women go abroad to earn money to provide for their families.
My husband and I have quietly built everything up over the years to be able to emigrate to Thailand and my family therefore understood that we could not send a lot of money to Thailand.
yes, they are poor but happy, we have always helped them with what was necessary.
After all, that's what my husband says, he says I'm married to a Thai and therefore her immediate family is also his family.
I have a good man sometimes too hard but honest and faithful.
Our marriage is based on a good foundation
Love and understanding is very important
Don't generalize Boonya!
My wife lived and worked in Belgium for many years. She NEVER sends 1 cent to her family. No one even knew she worked there.
And good friends couple just the same. The woman also works in Belgium, leads her own life and does not support her family. She doesn't even plan to ever return to her native country. She says she is doing well in Belgium. Thailand no longer interests her.
Dear Boonya, Just as has already been written here, generalizing is not correct.
My wife lives with me in Germany and has never worked outside of our small household, which we largely run together.
The money we give her sister and brother is earned honestly by them.
She cleans our house when we are not in Thailand, and her brother keeps the garden in order for us.
Why always donate, as long as someone is healthy, they can also do something.
I couldn't raise my hand for anything either, and I always had to work for it.
Only the opening sentence bothers me immensely: Thai women should be grateful. A relationship should be based on equality. If this sentence is in your mind, there is no equality with you and as a woman, Rhais or any nationality, I would quickly run away
I have seen, heard and experienced quite a bit in my life, but not a single woman is grateful.
The strangest things can suddenly surface.
When a switch goes off. Or even sometimes there is a plan.
I can envy couples with a really long relationship. I haven't succeeded in my life.
Whatever I thought I was doing right, it turned out well. So it must be just me?
Come to the conclusion for me too that finding the true one may be a utopia.
It can just be difficult, even become.
Weird to only project this to Thai women, perhaps from OP's experience and train of thought.
However, from my experiences, it really doesn't matter where the woman comes from.
So “gratitude” among Thai women, that depends on Thai women and not just Thai ones.
Think “gratitude” is a bs word in a relationship.
It is important to encourage and support each other positively, through a kind word, a kiss, or a pat on the head.
But yes, sometimes that turns out not to be enough. Amazing, relationships.
However, I can confirm that the Swede has typical ideas for a relationship.
However, it may again be based on his experiences. It is not mentioned and another conclusion emerges in advance: “gratitude”.