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Home » Reader question » Reader question: My boyfriend wants to go to Thailand with friends, but I'm not happy
Dear readers,
I met a boy, his name doesn't matter, who I've been dating for a few months now.
Even before I knew him, when he was single, he booked a holiday to Thailand with friends. The point is that I don't find that very relaxed, partly because of the stories about Thailand. I hear that Thai women are quite on the hunt for western men and I'm not waiting for that. He's a solid, reliable boy, I think, who doesn't like prostitution, but I'm afraid he's going to be touched and seduced there.
I am now in a knot in my stomach and I am not happy, but I also wish him that holiday. If I say he can't, I come across as bossy too.
What do you think should I let him go or better not?
best wishes from
A brooding girl
Dear Girl,
various options,
If you trust him you let him go
If you don't trust him, don't let him go
Offer him the choice, but if he has not taken out cancellation insurance, he will have lost his money. That insurance only applies for serious reasons, which does not include certain girls.
You hear that Thai women are quite on the hunt for Western men, that's right, but if a man shows that he is not interested, they will soon look for someone else who is interested, they will not force him to do things he is not interested in. makes sense, he is there himself.
You say; quote "He is a decent, reliable boy, I think, who has no interest in prostitution, but I am still afraid he will be touched and seduced there." end quote, that doesn't convey much confidence.
And if he goes and he falls for a Thai lady and you find out you know right away what kind of meat you have in the tub and then it's very simple: Dump that guy, if he doesn't respond to the advances of the Thai ladies then you know that he is worthy of your trust.
But if I were your friend and you put me before that choice, I would know: I would just go with the thought, he doesn't trust me, this won't work.
Good luck in your dilemma and with regards,
Lex K.
To tell him , he can not go , seems like a good idea .
The best solution to this problem is to go on vacation with him.
When you are together all the time, you know for sure that you are the only woman
for him you are in Thailand .
That's what I think….
It surprises me that a woman looking for a western man should immediately be 'in prostitution'. Aren't you generalizing now?
Prostitution but also massage parlors with extra services are also available in NL and other parts of Europe. The temptation is everywhere. That is not Thailand bound.
Haha, you're right. He's not going to sit in his hotel room all day while his friends visit a bar and that's where it plays out. Why is he going to Thailand? To view the temples there and sit on the beach all day? Almost everyone who comes here falls in love with such a barmaid, say goodbye with your hand.
You speak for yourself?
I come to Thailand often and have never had anything to do with a barmaid. I'm not judging but I don't think it's for me.
Thailand has so much more to offer than barmaids. These are just a few prominent areas where prostitution is very prominent. That is no different in the Netherlands or any country surrounding us. as Erik rightly writes before. Furthermore, Thais are not pushy in themselves. If that man wants to do something, he can. Just like in The Netherlands. Of course going out with several men and putting flowers outside is always a risk when there are nice ladies around.
Dismissing Thailand as the country where it's all about bar ladies and prostitution is absolutely wrong.
yes, there are many men who would like that. Everyone has to know for themselves. The English also come en masse by ferry to the Netherlands to spend a weekend on the Red Light District and then brag about Dutch whores and drugs at home.
Are we all prostitutes in the Netherlands and the women of Amsterdam all prostitutes?
Oh no??!!!!
I completely agree with you, it is always Thailand that is in the bad news, I think it's very stupid and I have no other words for it.
When I visited Thailand for the first time, it was not about me being a bar lady, unlike two friends who often went there on the plane, they told me what their purpose was, I immediately made it clear that I would then be just as good and cheaper in the red light district/ looking for walls. Not excluded, I'm not saying that I haven't visited a slipper or a bar, but for a change or fun and that's it. So it really depends on what the person's personality is like. People should finally stop talking about temptation everywhere, even in your immediate vicinity.
It is a case of being bitten by the cat or the dog.
When he goes to Thailand with friends, the original intention was undoubtedly to have fun with the Thai beauties.
Even if he leaves for Thailand with the best of intentions, booze and friends (and the Thai beauties) will most likely break few of those resolutions.
The best solution is to go along.
Then you can ask yourself if you can live with it if he brings a girl from a bar there, if you don't go with him.
An additional problem is, of course, that you will never know for sure whether he has remained faithful to you.
Not even though he was.
That's what you'll keep wondering.
If you can't live with that idea, banning is the best solution after going along.
I think it's about what kind of friends he goes to Thailand with. And for what purpose.
Have they been to Thailand before? And what places do they go to in Thailand.
But since you post a question here, it already indicates that you don't trust him 100%. And that you are relatively possessive. Do you also have the characteristics of a Thai woman in you?
Thai women won't do anything if you don't show interest as Lex K already mentioned.
And telling a boy not to go on holiday with his friends is the end of the relationship.
Now you also forget that many single western and Australian ladies go to Thailand.
You can have fun there. But I think you have that in every holiday country.
Thailand can be a nice holiday country. And how far you go is up to you.
The two main questions: how much trust do you really have in him and what is his intention? Someone who goes to Spain can go there for the culture and sun, but also for a drinking or sex holiday. This applies equally to Thailand but also to the Netherlands. Someone can simply travel with friends, go on a pub crawl or hook up with as many ladies/gentlemen as possible. If he is indeed a decent, honest guy, then he won't flirt with ladies or get between the sheets. The ladies there don't have a magic wand, well some do have a wand but not one with which they can transform an honest, determined man into willing meat. If he is weak or unreliable, he will give in whether he is in Amsterdam, Lloret or Bangkok. If he is that type, things will definitely go wrong, if not now then certainly sometime in the future.
So where he goes doesn't really matter, it does matter whether you trust them. Do you believe him or don't you dare let him out of your sight for an evening? Can you maintain a relationship with someone if you (or he) wants to control the other person's steps as much as possible? A little bit of jealousy is good, it's concern for him and yourself, and you can easily get over that in a few seconds. But if it's real jealousy or distrust... what are you doing?
Hello worrying girl,
It's all about trust and if you have to ask this question, you're actually already answering it yourself.
Enough men and women go on holiday to Thailand alone and not all go for the women / men. There is so much more to do than the standard image that everyone has. But well it is most certainly there and just like what the others indicate, if the flesh is weak…..
But again the question shows no trust in him, your relationship but also in yourself and that is why it might be better to just let him go for now and forever.
Good luck with your decision.
I think you have a bit of a misconception about Thailand.
Of course there is prostitution (also in NL, by the way, as mentioned earlier), but it is not nearly as ubiquitous as you might think.
If you were to take the red light district in Amsterdam as a measure for the rest of the Netherlands, you would also think that it is a great whore's paradise there, but you know that is not true.
Ditto for Bangkok (where is your friend going? Thailand is a big country)
You're afraid of the unknown, why don't you go to Thailand with friends?
In my opinion, every good and long-term relationship is based on the mutual trust that you will not violate your agreements with the other person. This requires that you make (or have) agreements with each other, and these are not the same for everyone. For one couple, a slipper is acceptable, for another couple absolutely not. For one couple, kissing with another is acceptable, for another couple it is not.
So: discuss with your boyfriend what is and what is not acceptable to you in his contact with other women, at home in the Netherlands and on holiday in Thailand. Then ask him to be honest (after the holiday) about what did and did not happen. If he does things that you previously called absolutely unacceptable, say goodbye to him.
My late father once said to me when my courtship ended: "Shut up, there is not a hand full of women, but a country full". The same goes for men.
It seems to me that if your boyfriend wanted to go "strange" he wouldn't have to go all the way to Thailand for that. Tell him honestly what you're afraid of and there's little else you can do, I think.
Level
You see them here in droves: two, three, four … friends on holiday to Thailand together. I think that few of those friends come here just to enjoy the beautiful nature, the beautiful beaches and the good food.
But the exceptions prove the rule here too. Test your friend and ask him to help you so you can come along. Search the internet for possible flights etc… And see his reaction. If he doesn't think it's a good idea for you to come along, then your suspicion is correct.
That is an incorrect test. If he doesn't want her to come along, that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to dive on a bargirl there. As TS writes, he is going with his friends and has been planning it for a long time. So it may just as well be that he doesn't want to because a friends / men holiday was planned.
@Jeroen: Indeed Jeroen, give your partner a holiday between women and men. Especially if it has been planned for a long time. If necessary, make agreements (if you do not yet know what you have in common). If he is honest it will be fine, if he is not honest it will go wrong. Not now or later. Surely the questioner should also be able to go out with friends for a day/weekend/holiday?
@general: I am shocked by the prejudices about Thai and Dutch men and women... (men are weak, women are sirens - those of legend, not those screamers -? Right... kuche kuche).
I have been coming to Thailand for 20 years and I always meet a group of friends who have a relationship at home, but are not averse to the opposite sex while enjoying a drink. But a relationship must be built on trust and if there is none I would say: think before you leap.
Another approach; why shouldn't your friend be allowed to share the bed with another lady? Isn't that a limiting thought? If you make clear agreements about it, that shouldn't be a problem. For men, sex and emotional connection are less closely linked than for women. So if he has a nice night there with a lady, it doesn't mean he cares about you any less. Forcing a man into monogamy is asking me for trouble. Because his genes tell him otherwise. In other words, if you force a man into monogamy, you end up forcing him into lying, cheating and adultery. It's an old paradigm imposed by the church, it's time we acknowledge the nature of the beast and give it the space to live a balanced life.
As several people say, going along or not going is the best choice.
Thailand is a very beautiful country and it is not all about prostitution as many people think.
But a group of boys to Thailand, they will certainly not sit in their room after their visit to the beach and will therefore go out. Therein lies the danger alcohol and group behavior and the very beautiful girls might be a bit too much for your friend. If he still remains strong against all these temptations, you will never be 100 percent confident about this holiday.
Holiday loves are sometimes short but strong.
Good luck with your choice.
Oh well, let that boy play around with Thai women. When he's done, he'll love you even more! If you have a nice relationship with him, he will realize that a Thai woman who barely has anything more to offer him than sex is no match for a young lady in Be/NL with whom he can have a full-fledged relationship and build a future.
(And if he does fall in love with a Thai young lady: let him look at the mother first, a man is often shocked.)
Thai young girls are fun for older men.
And afterwards do NOT ask him what he did. Let him keep his secrets, give him some space! That's a better recipe for a long-term relationship than wanting to know everything about him.
@Kees says on August 4, 2014 at 10:53
Speaking of prejudice, your entire comment is more than full of it.
Also, your response doesn't really have much to do with the question, but that's my opinion.
It is not possible to start a full-fledged relationship with a Thai?
A Thai woman is only good for sex, can't you expect more?
Can't build a future with a Thai?
An elderly Thai mother is not worth looking at?
Let him keep his secret? A relationship is based on trust, not secrets, right?
Sorry but this response is really way too short by the well-known bend.
This is REALLY crazy.
I am almost 60 my wife is about 40. Yes she is Thai, but she certainly did not marry me for the money. She has more than me.
A Thai woman can offer you much more than sex: partnership, falling in love (more rather than less after years). bondage, loyalty, friendship, happiness.
She is young and her mother is also only 19 years older. Ens is also a nice thing.
Kees: What prejudices and that in 1 (one) email.
The Worrying Girl:
1. Ask him about his plans and tell him you're concerned.
You've been in a relationship for a few months -> isn't it right girl you just met him but not really yet?
What are you worried about, How old is he and how old are you? Ask him about his motivation for going there. (Diving, Nature, just to see the country and possibly to Cambodia etc.
Set him free you are not each other's property. Oh, you don't have to go to Thailand to cheat. I don't know where you live but if it is near the Dutch border I would be more concerned about the German feeling.
2. Go to Kenya with a couple of friends or …… /
What does he say about that?
It may be known that many men who have a Thai wife/girlfriend are quick to criticize Dutch women, which I really hate, but speaking disparagingly about Thai women is just as despicable!
Agree with you that most of the foreign men are a bit older and matured, but those Thai 'young girls' are almost all no longer girls, but mostly divorced women with one or more children.
Admittedly the age difference is often large and economic profit plays a role, but these can also be full-fledged relationships that do involve mutual love.
She happy and happy for herself, her children and family and he happy and happy in the autumn of his life.
That also does not mean that there are no relationships between younger peers, simply put, both between the ages of 20 and 30, know several younger men in Western Europe who once met a peer in Thailand, just in everyday life that is no different than in your own country. House, tree, animal and children, in short, a good future ahead.
Think positive? and make it happen. it can happen anytime and anywhere, a great test And gives your friend a reason to return with a good feeling to his girl who is wonderful to live with and not someone who sees threats everywhere and always and looks for something behind everything. Best
Try to go on holiday to Thailand, but don't let that boy go alone with friends.
The Thai ladies are very savvy in making contacts and if he is not a member of the Christian youth organization he will get in touch with 1 or more ladies. Even without a beer.
In the Netherlands, the man will often have to show the first initiative. In Thailand, this is what the women do.
Every man, no matter how unattractive, can meet 1 or more Thai ladies within 1 evening, if he wishes.
These do not always have to be prostitutes.
My Thai hairdresser (25 years old and stunningly beautiful) would like a relationship with me, knowing that I am married and also 35 years older.
Why don't you go on vacation with your boyfriend to avoid trouble.
There is more than enough for both of you to do in Thailand.
Incidentally, my former travel companion (was married) has been to Thailand 1x, sold his house in the Netherlands and divorced and has been living in Thailand since 1980.
Why does that boy have to go to Thailand? Malaysia is also beautiful (and Islamic).
As stated several times above. It has to do with trust. But also with the state of the current relationship. And then also with what you still have to offer each other in various areas. Young couple, young relationship, still hopelessly in love with each other? Then I wouldn't be so worried.
married for 25 years. Relationship completely extinguished. Still together for the kids. Sex on both birthdays and Christmas and that too dutifully…… Well!
Self married to a Thai, currently alone on a tropical Thai island, plenty to do.
Great to be able to look everywhere on the menu, but from next week just eat at home again,…..
Mutual trust and a marriage that is far from extinct.
If you trust him, let him go.
If you don't trust him then let him go too (out of your life I mean).
Just asking this question indicates the second option, otherwise there would be no reason to ask them.
From my own experience I know that when I went to Thailand and told someone this, a smile appeared on that person's face and I knew what he was thinking about. Thailand is not Pattaya or Phuket not even Bangkok. Thailand is much more. If you can't or don't want to come along, it's primarily a matter of trust. Talk about what you want and what your expectations are. Communication is important here, create a spirit of trust and not mistrust. it depends on the character of the boy and also on his friends, who sometimes want to act tough or even defiant. It is indeed up to him to stay away from the places that can be tempting.
From what I read above there are those who believe, we are young and want something. There is also the moral of whether your friend is up for a fling and can live with a sense of I did something wrong and this should be hidden from my girlfriend, my future life partner.
I know it's hard as a girl to go alone in a group of guys. Possibly this may be the reason that other boys also ask their girl.
Good luck and have faith in the good outcome. Not all women are whores.
It's very simple, if cheating is in his genes (chance is always present) then he doesn't have to go to Thailand for that. Although it is a bit easier there. Talk to him about it well in advance and indicate your fears. There is nothing wrong with that. You will probably be able to estimate from his reaction to it how he will feel about it. Going along with him and his group of friends is definitely the death knell of your relationship. Although loss of face does not weigh as heavily with us as with Thai, he may experience it that way, namely towards his friends.
Just my two cents and good luck
Hello worrying girl, I wouldn't get in the way of your friend's vacation as you can think of it as
a nice double function, function 1 is to give the friend his pleasure and the second function is trust
is the love of 2 sides equally strong, he will make it a pleasant holiday and return to you, it is
otherwise, he will probably stick to a Thai, so would put it to the test, and then have certainty forever, good luck and don't worry so much.
Hi, you mention it yourself he is reliable and must have nx of prostitution, give him a chance to prove it!
Should he drop you for a Thai barmaid….? Well, he wasn't worth you anyway.
And just to make it easy whores are everywhere; also in NL so cold crowds, trust is the basis for relationship; who says you don't put the flowers outside?
So be extra sweet and spoil him so there is no extra need 🙂
I understand you a bit, I come to Thailand every 2 years (am a woman)
It's true that girls seduce men, usually for MONEY! Men who have a wife at home
and being monogamous won't go into it, but of course there is a risk.
I would say just go with it, Thailand is a very beautiful country and I am a woman but I enjoy it
really from Thailand.
Regards Jacqueline
Want to come along? You're not serious, are you? That will not benefit the friendship with his friends. If I go on holiday with girlfriends, my girlfriends wouldn't even think of taking one of the wives with me. As already mentioned above, talk well with your friend and let him enjoy the beautiful country. And book a trip for two to Thailand for next year, he can show you around. You say yourself that he is a solid and reliable boy, then you must also give him that confidence. That's the foundation of a relationship. They will really put on a (ping pong) show, I did that myself when I first came to Thailand. That should be possible, or do you find that a problem?
Hallo,
Your friend has booked the trip for your relationship together with his circle of friends.
Remember that his relationship with his friends is equally important.
I would certainly let your friend go and allow the pleasure of sharing the journey with his friends.
Your love for him must be unconditional.
If he cares about his relationship with you, he will play by the rules.
If you express limitations and concerns now, you are already placing guilt on him.
Trust him and let him enjoy.
When it turns out that he has picked the flowers after all, then your relationship was not meant for each other.
And will this one end.
When everything went well, don't ask any more questions. But trust and enjoy your time together.
Another option is: If there are still women with you, you can share the journey with them.
If not, you are a block on the leg of the group of friends.
Success.
This question is not about Thailand, but about your relationship and trust. Only you can give the answer yourself.
I was also once faced with that choice, but had already been to Thailand several times before I got to know her. So I immediately broke off the relationship myself because knowing myself and the nightlife there I simply could not give her confidence.
Incidentally, that would not only apply to Thailand, but also, for example, to a Spanish costa, except that he can also wonder whether he can trust you when you stay behind.
Don't worry like that, everything happens now, not later. We'll see it later.
The fact that you don't like it that your friend is going to Thailand means either you're a jealous type or you don't trust your friend. In either case, let your friend go. In the first case, work on yourself otherwise there will always be tension in your relationship. In the second case it is a good test. Does your friend cross the line; better now than later and break up. If it doesn't happen, then you don't know him very well yet and you can still work on your relationship. You may be wondering, but how do I know if things are going well in Thailand. He goes with friends, so if something happens sooner or later someone will make a comment anyway. Good luck.
What I regret is that many people who have never been to Thailand see the country itself as a large brothel.
Thailand is just a super beautiful country with very nice and neat people.
Whether you want a sporty, relaxed, adventurous holiday, there is simply something to do for everyone.
The weather is always great and the food is super tasty.
In the evening there are of course also plenty of options to go out and as soon as you get into a taxi or tuktuk, the driver will already show you a picture of a Thai woman because he wants to take you to a club with Thai women so that he can also pay a commission on can iron and if you say no he turns the card over and then there is a Thai boy for the gays.
Just assume that your boyfriend is straight and not bi because he can have a boyfriend there too.
then i assume your boyfriend is mature and old and wise to know that he has a girlfriend in the Netherlands and that he is not sleeping with a thai girl.
You're under no obligation there, so I think you're worrying more than you need to.
Everything stands or falls with confidence, indeed.
It is certainly not the case that he has to go to the bars or whorehouses to meet a beautiful Thai lady. There are plenty of beautiful Thai women that he can just run into on the street, and the danger that he will fall for them is just as great.
I think it's even bigger, because he probably won't fall in love with a prostitute so quickly, then it often remains a one-off and financial event, while the other women could make much more serious work of him.
And as others have said before me, it is not the case that eg De Wallen are representative for Amsterdam, so why extend that image to eg Bangkok?
All you can do is give him the trust, and let him go, otherwise you'll start this relationship off on the wrong foot, and sooner or later you'll stumble over these issues, I think.
I am 65 years old and have been to Thailand alone 12 times, have been married for 44 years and my wife has also been with me for the last 3 years.
I have never been disappointed in anything like that, and it was really a pretty girl of around 30 years old.
When I got home I said that too and my husband was not happy about it, there was none at all
love when it was all about money.
Why would you think he would fall in love there, he can do that anywhere and then you don't take a girl
who gets into bed with everyone. It even bothers me at sixty-five.
I don't know how old your boyfriend is, but he definitely won't be a virgin anymore, especially not in this day and age.
For me this was once in my entire marriage but never again.
Greetings Hank
Young and with a group of friends to Thailand. Sorry but that's seriously asking for trouble with your relationship.
It's not even about barmaids. If you are in the 20-30 age group then you really don't have to make an effort to seduce a nice young lady in a normal disco and you certainly don't have to pay for it. And they are often even nicer than the barmaids in various places.
Especially if it is also in a place where few farang come. Group of friends, ditch alcohol, the average falang is a head bigger than the rest of the audience in a disco, so you quickly feel like a king in the room. You also find the other audience interesting, the ladies first come to toast with their drink, a nice student comes to chat with you, 20 years old, slim figure, those sweet brown eyes. Finished.
With a barmaid, both parties know that after a night and a financial transaction it is done. The 'ordinary' ladies are a lot meaner and smarter in that respect. Don't generalize, but mostly yes. If they half think they can get a foot in the door, they try. When I still had a girlfriend, it sometimes went so far that even her friends or acquaintances were texting behind her back. Just fish see if they can get a foot in there. Whether you are already taken or married, that really doesn't matter for the most part. Dating in Thailand is just a tactical game. A young woman looking for a boyfriend simply tries to pick the best one. They are also not that averse to multiple friends, try to find the best one. Or in the case of a young farang, just enjoy a night out, because the farang has no ties with acquaintances or falls completely outside the social circle because the family is of course not allowed to know anything.
Thai ladies often become jealous and possessive in a relationship or when they think something is developing between her and a man. That has a reason. As it is worth…
I also tried that with a group of friends to Thailand and I still live there now 😉 The friends who were occupied had sensible girlfriends, because they weren't allowed to come along 🙂
I'm a little surprised at the many cool responses I read here. This girl is really faced with a dilemma, as a Fleming I apparently see it differently. So it will be me.
Who am I to tell someone what to do? But look, if I was that friend and really love you, I'll take your feelings into account and just say, "sorry, but I'm staying at my girl's place." Although I might regret it for a long time later. But what should you do, honey? Just tell him you'd rather he stayed home and leave the rest to him. That is the best option in my opinion. He still has his whole life to visit Thailand with you. It might even be a nice honeymoon destination. And if you go together, 90% of the ladies will leave him alone. And the rest take into account that he is not bacon for their mouths. So it's not that bad, unless they really had other plans, and then he's not worth you. But leave the choice to him after you tell him how you feel about it. Then you're already a long way ahead, I think.
It's a matter of trust I've allowed my now ex boyfriend to go to Thailand alone for 3 years
Hello worrying girl,
Just let him go ahead and enjoy himself with his friends in Thailand. When he comes back, ask him to confess everything so that he can make a fresh start with you. Besides, you hardly know each other.
If he's willing to confess everything, then he's honest with you and will be willing to make a fresh start with you.
Once you notice that he is honest and sincere with you, then I would forgive his one-time splurges in Thailand, but…..
Before you start sleeping with him again, you should require him to get tested for STDs. My Thai wife is a nurse and is responsible for the hundreds of HIV patients in the hospital. I'm pretty scared of her stories about that.
It's just a hint.
I wish you a lot of wisdom.
Chander
If you don't let him go, he will resent you for the rest of his life.
why would you want to take away from him the vacation of his life, because you don't trust him or don't allow him to, you only live once.
It seems to me that the group of friends will not go to Isaan but will settle in the more touristy parts of Thailand. Now I think that many of the reactions these tourists share are a bit better than it actually is. It's much easier, if you're up for it, to take a girl out for the night. Whether you are in a bar, gogo bar, disco or on the street. The girls are very approachable and often go right along with you. This whether you are married or have a girlfriend. Someday she's a Thai against me a Thai will do anything for money. So I can well imagine the girl being worried. If I were her friend I would invite her along and it will undoubtedly be just as much fun as if he had gone alone with his friends. You also have to consider your girlfriend's feelings. So just be honest with your friend.