At the age of 67, Aaron, a Dutch retiree, has chosen a remarkable lifestyle in Thailand. He lives in this tropical paradise, but with one clear rule: no contact with other Dutch people who also live there.
Aaron's choice may seem unusual, but for him it has deep meaning. After a lifetime of hard work in the Netherlands, he looked for a place where he could enjoy his retirement undisturbed and in peace. Thailand offered him that opportunity, but with one condition he set for himself: distancing himself from his Dutch roots, including avoiding contact with Dutch expats. For Aaron, privacy is of the utmost importance and he sees no added value from contact with Dutch people in Thailand. Here's his story.
“About four years ago I moved to Thailand, where I really enjoy it. I have a detached house with a spacious plot of land near Sattahip. I live there with my Thai wife, who I met in the Netherlands. She speaks fluent Dutch, English and Thai, which is very useful. We have adopted three street dogs and are taking good care of them.
In the beginning I tried to make contact with other Dutch people. I have been to meetings of the Dutch Association in Bangkok, Pattaya and Hua Hin. But it wasn't for me. At the NVT in Bangkok I encountered a lot of nonsense: “Dude, I work at Shell, or I work at KLM, what about you?” Pfff, never mind...
The local NVT meetings were more like tea parties with a gossip hour for the elderly. Often also a lot of jealousy. As soon as you left, the gossip started. Many retirees don't experience anything and blow up every little thing, then turn a mosquito into an elephant. Then I think: what is it about? Get a life! Also a lot of showy behavior from guests who have money and like to show it, disgusting.
I notice that many superficial friendships arise here between people from different backgrounds, who would never visit each other in the Netherlands. But here, for lack of anything better, it is accepted. I'll pass for that. I set high standards for the people I call my friends, they can expect the same from me and certainly some level, but without showing off.
I used to have a chat with a Dutch person in a Dutch restaurant or bar, but I have no need for such friendships. The topics of conversation are always the same: money, sex, Thai women, bad Thais and booze. I already know all the stories. Plus, I don't feel like knocking back one beer after another as if it were a sport.
I maintain contact with friends and family in the Netherlands via video calling, and those social contacts are enough for me.
I do some freelance work online, exercise three times a week, cycle, swim and walk a lot. Besides, I have plenty of hobbies. Just maintaining my garden takes a lot of time.
So, no, I don't need that artificial conviviality on Dutch evenings. If others like it, fine. But I prefer to keep Dutch people at a distance and have no need for forced social contact.”
Note: Aaron is not the real name, this person wishes to remain anonymous.
I agree with you Aaron. In Thailand I always avoid contact with expats and retirees as much as possible. When I sometimes read the comments here on the blog, I immediately remember why.
Indeed, there are always only a handful of topics they can talk about. The worst are those who have lived in Pattaya or Hua Hin for years and still cannot pronounce these place names properly and are too poor to learn a few Thai words.
Aaron, you're absolutely right. Live your own life and choose your friends carefully. Read valuable information channels such as this blog to stay informed about what is happening around your home in Thailand. That is indeed more meaningful than tea and gossip parties….
I won myself in a townhouse with a view over the Mekong River.
The last time I spoke to Dutch people in Nongkhai and the surrounding area was 5 years ago.
I live with my Thai wife who speaks good English. We also have a lot of Thai people in front of our shop.
Sattahip is a beautifully quiet area with beautiful beaches under the trees and crystal clear water for swimming on military grounds [cost 20 baht].
Sattahip centrally located a short distance from Bangkok and a very good cheap military hospital.
My partner laughed heartily at your story and asked if I had written the story myself or if you might be my younger brother, this is exactly you, she says laughing.
Perfect story,
Good luck in life with your wife and 3 dogs.
Best regards,
MeeYak
This story is a copy of myself. Although, we only have 1 dog 😉
I haven't had any contact with anyone since I've lived here.
Am I lonely? Not really. I have enough interests and consciously don't want friendships with fellow countrymen, for exactly the same reason as stated in this topic.
I have no idea if there are any Farangs living close to here. Very rarely do I see a white nose in our local shop, but no one else does.
Sometimes a topic comes up here about people who are bored, feel lonely and who are looking for a new friendship. In my opinion, the biggest cause of loneliness is a lack of hobbies that makes people bored to death. Friendships don't solve this. Then you run the risk of being sucked into the numerous nighttime outings where the alcohol flows freely.
I could have written it myself...... Good to know I'm not the only one who thinks this way!
Immediately after reading your story I thought, how sad.
Of course that is your own free choice, although I have also heard something like that that was prompted by the Thai partner and I immediately thought that he is another potential shed man.
It is very difficult for me to understand especially because I have lost 4 of my best friends in the past 2 years, I would give my right arm to get them back, what could be better than a good friendship?
And I don't mean a drinking buddy but a friend who you only have to look at to know what's going on.
Maybe you didn't have any friends in the Netherlands and you just prefer to be on your own?
No matter how good your relationship with your partner is, in my opinion a friend who is by your side when necessary is indispensable.
I worked in Germany in the early 80s and had a chef there who put it well, 'ein frau ist freude aber wahre liebe gibt es nur unter manner.
Good reading Geert, this is what Aaron says: I maintain contact with friends and family in the Netherlands via video calling, and those social contacts are sufficient for me.
Why do you always have to pay someone else's bill? I just find that pathetic.
I even find the comment 'Didn't you have any friends in the Netherlands?' I even find it a bit condescending, as if Aaron can't have any friends and all the blame is on himself.
Let everyone make the choice for themselves, there is nothing wrong with that.
I once wrote here the story of the Farang that I had seen at the Belgian embassy when my wife had to get her papers in order for her visa for Belgium. Man, what scum I saw there. And also remember the comment here a few weeks ago. It was stated that most of the Farang living here in Thailand come from the lower social class. Those were not my words but there is certainly truth in them.
No, I don't want contact with fellow countrymen either. This is my well-considered choice that no one should judge. Those people who want to have a large group of friends here, they are welcome to do so, I have no problem with that. But then they shouldn't think I'm sad because of my choice. Every man for himself, all that interference is good for nothing.
I could have written it myself, I no longer have contact with Dutch people, but with other foreigners I prefer it
I have a number of acquaintances in Thailand who are dear to me, but I don't call them friends. Some people already use the word friendship when they have met each other 3 times. A person usually has many acquaintances and only a few friends. I have known my best friend for 50 years now and we speak to each other every day. We are more than family to each other. I also have 2 friends who have known me for decades and that's where it ends.
Because I will never be able to build the bond in Thailand that I now have with my friends in the Netherlands, I do not want to live there permanently. For me, friendship comes before anything, even a relationship.
I am happy in LatYa. It is 20 km outside Kanchanaburi and it is quiet there. Don't see any foreigners there either.
I occasionally see an American who lives not far from me and a few Belgians (some of whom are blog readers) passing by during the year. The rest are all Thai.
But almost everyone is welcome with me (with the exception of those who are on my blacklist, but they will know that. It is not easy to get on that list, but it is even more difficult to get rid of it).
I will certainly not look for foreigners myself, let alone associations. Otherwise enough foreigners in Kanchanaburi city if I needed them.
But I understand that there are people who may need to have a chat with fellow countrymen every now and then. There's nothing wrong with that, it's their choice.
I certainly won't hide from anyone when I see foreigners. Why would I do that?
If someone comes by to have a chat, that's fine and we'll definitely have a beer together. Maybe more than one.
If no one comes, I don't lose sleep over it and I don't feel like I'm missing anything.
P.S. For the Dutch. Now don't come by with a whole bus for that beer. 😉
This reminds me a bit of my neighbor friend. He has been through a lot in his life. Lost 2 daughters. Career in the special forces, owner of a military security company. Earned a lot of money multiM. But simplicity itself! He withdrew from society for years and left without notice for weeks into the jungle in America or the Ardennes. Don't expect supercars or flexing of wealth or money like many on social media. But heart of gold! Donates 6-7 figure amounts every year to human and animal charities, especially animals.
He does eccentric things for normal people... one of the reasons why he only travels business first class, for example, is because he can't handle the crowds of packed people. Thailand will be a very big challenge for him.
With this story I want to say how strange it can seem to everyone. If people make certain life choices, it is all good. If you are happy with it, who are we to judge? I personally think there is a 'but' attached to everything.
We also live in a remote spot, in the middle of nature, with 3 dogs and some other animals. And we also avoid expat meetings. But ban all Dutch people in advance? We have some good Dutch friends here. And we have never talked about money, Thai women, sex, bad Thais or drinking. But we probably don't function on Aaron's lonely high ground.
But we probably don't function on Aaron's lonely high ground.
How do you come to the conclusion that Aaron lives at a lonely height, because he does not want to have contact with Dutch people, he has made a choice for himself and is happy with it.
Making friends in Thailand (anywhere in the world at all) is an intensive affair and usually it doesn't work out, so let him (me, because I'm just like Aaron), you have a different attitude, that's fine, nothing wrong with that, but I won't call you out and say you live at a certain depth, it's your choice and not Aaron's (or mine).
I have lived all over the world for 25 years and you don't make friends, at most acquaintances, one of my ex partners called everyone a friend after meeting each other twice, nonsense, but it also depends on what you mean by a friend.
I had good friends, but if you haven't seen each other for years, you notice that a lot has changed over the years and friendship changes along with it.
I don't live in Pattaya or Hua Hin, it seems that the vast majority of Thailansblog readers live there, I live in a village (Chiang Mai) and see many Westerners when I come to the CBD and to be honest, I don't have to no friendship with this, but that may be because CM is a village and not a metropolis like Pattaya and Hua Hin, probably more interesting people live there.
Let me live in my village, we are busy enough every day and I run out of time every day.
Regards,
MeeYak
The qualifications with which he describes all Dutch people other than himself give at least the impression that he looks down on them.
I can understand that, but there can always come a day when you need a fellow countryman to help you out with something or other.
I'm also very picky about friendships and superficial bullshit doesn't interest me either. However, I think there are also plenty of interesting people in Pattaya who can talk about things other than women and drinks. When I recently had to return to B very unexpectedly, I was very happy that I had someone who could arrange some things for me in TH during our absence. Everywhere in the world there are people you can get along with and others.
Thinking you will never need anyone in your life always turns out to be a mistake.
Aaron, Mister Incognito.. you are a man of my heart!
I don't give you 100 but 200% right!.
I do not live in Thailand like many of the “readers/writers” but have been going on “holiday” there once or twice a year for a few weeks for decades.
A long time ago, in the beginning, I enjoyed meeting Belgians, Dutch ... read: Europeans and spending an evening together ... I DON'T DO IT ANYMORE!
Many people have a lot of “show” but no “substance” at all and are often deceivers.
However, I have had a good relationship for many years on both Samui and Chang with some (of course) Thai (friends is a big word but close to it) who answer my line of thought, being: keep it simple, humble, friendly and help each other there where it is possible or necessary.
Aaron, alias “wise man”, I would like to make an exception with you to have a drink in the evening! (don't panic, I'm for the fair sex 🙂 555)
And I just think that I have a deviation because I avoid Dutch contacts...
Aaron's story is my story with the small differences that my wife and I care for only two adopted dogs and I still work full days.
I have had to realize that I do not function well in an environment of phony and nonsense.
We have our refuge in Ban Phe and we like it very much.
Well done Aaron!
Well, actually it is not such a special lifestyle that Aaron and many other expats lead.
Especially if you have sought refuge a little further from the larger cities and tourist centers, you will have very little choice for good or suitable contacts.
Someone who lives like this, and there are certainly not a few of them, often has, with a lot of luck, at most a few other expats living in their immediate environment.
The choice to find the right contact from this scarce supply, who also shares your interests, etc., is almost equivalent to a grand prize in the lottery.
Usually it remains only the occasional contacts from your former life, which you can maintain via the Internet, or the daily contact with your own wife.
Because even if you speak a little Thai, when you come into contact with fellow villagers, you will usually quickly notice that you will also reach your limits in terms of interests.
Yesterday at a party here in the village I immediately started to notice these boundaries that I mean, among other things.
What starts out pleasantly turns into a social killer for me, with the alcohol and the ever-annoying Tchock dee krap/ka.
Not that I am a child of sadness, no, but toasting every now and then to ensure that the company is drunk as quickly as possible, unlike many Thais, I find it an abnormal habit.
Only when everyone is drunk, starts shouting endlessly, and the speaker boxes of the music hit your eardrum, then it is very SANOEK for the Thais.
And that is precisely the time when I long for a real friend, with whom I can share common interests, even over a beer.
I know apparently every person is different, but for me good social contacts that I don't only find on the internet are part of a happy life.
I don't seek them out and certainly don't go to meetings, but I don't consciously avoid them either, you know soon enough what type it is, so then it becomes a matter of whether or not to drink a beer.
You are a man after my own heart.
Away with those fatteners and envious people.
Enjoy yourself with people who are real.
Enjoy your retirement to the fullest.
Quite right.
Even when we are in the Netherlands, my Thai wife avoids contact with Thais in the Netherlands, there is also a lot of jealousy and gossip there.
Likewise in Thailand, we have no need for bigots, jealousy and gossip and the eternally rose-colored glasses through which people tend to look.
Nice peace, space and privacy.
Gr. Arno
A man after my own heart!
Well, what is the definition of 'friends'?...
My daughter has hundreds of friends on Facebook, many of whom she hasn't even seen in person...
In Thailand I also quickly make friends who I no longer hear after a year. So, holiday 'friends'.
A true friend is rare, but if you have one, you are one of the lucky ones.
Until a few years ago I had 2 good friends, from an early age. At least that's what I thought.
I had had an independent side job with one of them for many years until he suddenly ran out of money. We worked hard for many hours and days. I never thought he would do this to me.
I already had the other friend during our school years. I was 53 years old when he stole my wife. I was sick from it for months. My ex told me that it was my own fault because I was never there for her. But she has benefited greatly from my money all these years.
As a professional soldier, I was able to retire quite young. I really fled from the misery that was inflicted on me. I have now lived in Thailand for a number of years, have a nice girlfriend and have plans to get married soon. Hopefully I'll have a little more luck in my old age.
Now I consciously don't want any friends anymore. I will never be able to get over my disappointment.
I hereby join the club of lone riders... I do have two cycling friends, but we hardly ever see each other outside of that. We go out to eat once a month. That doesn't mean we are all the same. On the contrary. One has an extensive social life, the other a little less and I, well, I actually prefer to be home alone and pursue my hobbies rather than having to sit somewhere and tell yet another story.
I don't avoid contacts, but I don't go looking for them either. I don't see it so black and white. So, no, I can understand the above story, but I'm not like that myself. I like to chat when I'm with people I like.
But for a few hours and then it's enough. I want to be home in the evening. I have my VR headset, which I use for exercising and enjoying great films, but not for longer than an hour or two or three (which is very long).
I am currently learning the Thai language through Thaipod101, highly recommended for anyone who wants a very, very extensive and well-supervised Thai course at home. The only condition is that you must be able to speak or at least understand English.
Although he is talking about Dutch people, you can actually add any other foreigner. We are not so different from the Germans, English, French or anyone else. In principle, many Western people want to show how good they are and already have contempt for others. You see that on the highway as in normal life. Ever heard someone say that they make mistakes while driving on the road and what are they? No, but we can describe in precise detail how wrong the other person was. And that's not just that... whether it's about politics (Dutch, Thai), economy, football or whatever. Almost everyone knows better and has a solution ready.
Those kinds of conversations are super annoying and it's not just Dutch people who do that. Everyone does that and only a very small percentage doesn't.
That happens a bit with my two cycling friends, but luckily we also talk about fun things. Actually almost only. And we just drink a cup of coffee together. After an hour we go home again.
I think those who need to see different people every night have not learned to focus solely on themselves. To each his own.
Aaron's story is the same for me. In addition, I have lived in the Netherlands for 'only' 25 years and have now spent almost 50 years outside the Netherlands and worked for foreign companies here and there on this planet and also my own company. So I'm actually not Dutch anymore. I've been to the NL meeting a few times, but I just don't fit in. So I'm no longer a member. But I still enjoy fresh herring, a croquette and a special frikandel when I'm in the Netherlands to visit family. But that was also 5 years ago. Do follow this blog for positive news.