Reader question: Can I approach someone in Thailand through her colleagues or is this inappropriate?
Dear readers,
Last summer I went on holiday in Thailand. During this holiday I met someone I got along with (a normal normal friendship with no special intentions or motives) and we promised each other to keep in touch via FB.
I now have plans to go to Thailand again next spring for two weeks and it would be very nice to meet her again, even if it is only for a day or a few days. Problem: She disappeared from FB a few weeks ago with no message or anything. So why is unclear.
Making such a promise is important to me, how important is it for a Thai I think now? I have a phone number but no response. Maybe she can't access the internet anymore or something else is going on.
I can't find any clues. I could try to contact some of her colleagues or even her employer (these contact details are publicly available on the internet).
They may ask her to contact me. However, I am reluctant, I first want to know how (in)appropriate it is for Thai standards to do this. Are they generally very open to this or not at all? I don't want to embarrass or otherwise get anyone into trouble.
Who can tell me something useful about this?
Yours faithfully,
Other
Dear Andrew,
I don't know if it makes sense what I have to say. I only know that it is not uncommon in Thailand to end a relationship (of any kind) by disappearing without a trace. In the Netherlands we say: I don't love you anymore, or: I'm ending our friendship. You will never hear that in Thailand.
From the fact that she closed her FB page, I gather that she has not passed away, which could have been another possibility.
I consider the chance that colleagues or her employer will be willing to help you locate her to be extremely small. You can try, but I don't think they will answer you.
Yes you can try but I think she got rid of FB on purpose and took another number, the same thing happens in the Netherlands if you don't want contact anymore, it sounds harsh but is often the hard truth.
Dear Andre
Unfortunately, I can only agree with the earlier responses of DickvdLugt and Peter@. It has often been said: Thais prefer to avoid confrontations and prefer to do so by breaking all contact from one moment to the next and saying nothing more.
This does not only happen through electronic communication, it also happens with physical communication contacts.
One party collapses from one moment to the next and then disappears from your life (or at least your field of vision) as completely as possible.
For us, something like this is completely incomprehensible and extremely frustrating. According to Western communication theory, ignoring is the most aggressive attitude a person can adopt. After all, you "kill" the other.
Thais see that completely differently and you will just have to accept that.
It was very thoughtful and wise of you not to try to approach her through her colleagues.
After all, I assume that those colleagues are also Thai, and they have the same communication ethic as the girl in question.
Anyone who travels here and opens his heart should become very aware in advance of these sometimes very disconcerting codes of conduct.
But don't worry: despite all the environmental pollution and overfishing, there is still more than enough fish in the sea, and Thailand has an enormous amount of kilometers of coastline, and the fish but also the seafood are very abundant here!
Good luck in the amorous traffic in Thailand
Kito
You would force her to show her colors by calling in her colleagues and friends. This is a loss of face and must be avoided at all times. She has withheld contact and it is her turn to restore it.
If you can approach a colleague, I would ask if she can ask your friend if she is still interested in contact and if not, send her the best wishes on your behalf.
If it's just friendship then I wouldn't think Facebook disappearing has anything to do with YOU. Apparently the other commenters think so (maybe they read between the lines better). If you are in Thailand could you visit her?
The fact that she closed FB and may have taken another mobile number does indeed have nothing to do with you. I would definitely ask through her colleagues if she wants to get in touch with you, then you'll know for sure whether or not it's related to you.
Appropriate or inappropriate has nothing to do with it, not shooting is always wrong.
You will also know whether your next trip to Thailand will be a new adventure or a sequel.
Succes
Contrary to what the previous commenters claim, Thais are not resentful at all. That's how I met my first wife through a friend I wanted to marry first. That didn't happen, but she did put me in touch with my first wife, who was a friend of hers. My second wife was introduced to me by my ex-sister-in-law, the sister of my first wife and also a cousin of theirs. So you see that they don't make a fuss about giving you another woman instead of themselves. So I wouldn't hesitate to ask her friends and/or her employer what's wrong with your girlfriend. Maybe her computer is just broken and she doesn't have another one yet? Or is she in such financial trouble that she no longer calls? Or is she too sick?
I hope for your sake that things will work out between you two and if things turn out differently, well, don't worry, there are plenty here who want a Farang. 😉
Dear Andrew,
I fully agree with the above comments. Even if this were to happen in the Netherlands, it would be inappropriate to try to contact colleagues through colleagues. Ending a FB page and taking a new phone number that she then doesn't pass on to you clearly indicates to me that you don't belong to the group of people she wants to contact. It would be neater if she had told you 1 on 1, but that's where the big cultural difference, as mentioned above in the previous responses, comes up again.
Dear Readers, thank you in advance for your attention. I think I should correct something: I made a typo in my name. I'm not Andre but Andréa, I'm a woman and I'm not looking for fish (certainly no other women). Doesn't matter, I made the mistake myself, Enniewee, it probably doesn't matter for the answers, even in the case of a normal friendship in a non-amorous atmosphere, the Thai apparently suddenly disappear. I found it very remarkable, incomprehensible. As a Westerner, I sometimes find myself quite ignorant and spoiled, but I would just disappear, not an easy thing to do. I found her quite direct for Thai standards (well, disappearing without a trace is of course) and I had expected that in this case I would be able to approach a colleague to at least ask if she is OK. Better not, although I don't have much to lose myself other than simply not getting a response, but I will take that into account anyway. Well, it's about her too.
Andrea
Just ask her colleagues where she is and if she wants to contact you.
Maybe she is because of a man from facebook?
Or for any other reason.
Left her phone in the cab?
Is my wife also happened. leaving her entire bag of belongings lying around.
I will do anything for a good friendship or a good acquaintance. ALSO in Thailand. Perhaps more there than in the Netherlands or>>
Hi Rori, thanks for your comment. And it could just be, because of a man. Although she didn't talk about it further I knew she was going to get a divorce. Unfortunately, that may be why she withdrew. Name changes can then play a role, relocations, I don't know what. If she doesn't show up I'll definitely try through colleagues of hers.
It just depends on how well you (could) know her and her colleagues. Whether she no longer likes your friendship and has therefore stopped using FB and her telephone number or whether this is due to a coincidence or another cause (stopped with the digital world, bothered by other people and, among other things, continued contact information and forgot you as an acquaintance, or that something more serious is going on).
I think a tactical email to her colleagues should be possible, a short simple (innocently stupid) question, for example "I can't reach her Facebook anymore, can you help me?" . And don't ramble on about why or whether you sort of demand (require) that college take action. If it is about you, your knowledge can still talk about it without losing face with that lecture and that lecture does not have to lose face towards you either.
You only know afterwards what you are doing wisely, not all Thai are the same, so a standard answer such as “she avoids you” or “approaching her colleagues is inappropriate” or “yes, just approach the colleagues and fire off your questions” cannot be to give.
@FrankC, GJ Klaus and Hemelsoet Roger: thanks for the encouraging responses. If her disappearance is related to me, then only she could have blocked me. However, I know that she deactivated or deleted her entire profile. So for everyone, including her local friends. Idd she may have limited resources at the moment due to (temporary) circumstances. I'll wait a while, but if she doesn't reappear on her own, which I still hope for, then I'll dare to approach a colleague with an open question. In any case, I hope to go back to beautiful Thailand next spring for a cycling holiday (if anyone has any good tips for such a holiday, local organizations, etc., I'd be very welcome, but I'll change the subject) of just under two weeks. It would be very nice to meet her again, even if the chance is small. She also has to work there and may not have time at all.
Thanks also to the other respondents, because apparently there is also a big cultural difference that should not be underestimated. You have to learn this. It was not my first holiday in Asia, but in Thailand this summer.