Reader Submission: What a Holiday!?

Christmas and the turn of the year, I don't often miss the Netherlands, but during these days I missed an old-fashioned Christmas tree, the biting cold and then cozy inside, the central heating on, hot cocoa with maybe a small splash of vodka. But hey, Thailand has its perks too, like spending the holidays on Koh Samet or Koh Chang as we (my loving Thai wife and I) have been doing for the past few years.

Lovely, on the beach, a bit of jet skiing, snorkeling and a nice dinner in the evening and then enjoy live music in an old-fashioned bar with rock music, ranging from the 60's to the present. Every country has its charm.

However, this year we do things differently: no holiday to a tropical island or cutting cold in the Netherlands. This holiday season we are at the dawn of a new era, or at least that's how my wife Porntip and I feel about it. We're going to grow rice, organic that is, we think we know what we're getting into. However, the future will have to show, so to be continued……..

Hilarious stories

But first I promised myself a weekend in Bangkok before I went rice farming in Chaiyaphum at the turn of the year. The Saturday just after Christmas I arrive in Bangkok. My wife is already in Chaiyaphum…….an evening in Bangkok without a wife…hmmmmm…what shall we do.

The good boy that I am, I go to Soi 4 ​​first, Nana, because there is always something to do there. I had agreed with an ex-colleague to make some golden yellow rascals a soldier together. Of course he was late again. Well, he is half French, half Thai, so his late arrival is no surprise to me.

I first decide to buy fresh orange juice on the street and look around from which bar I have the best view to watch the colorful procession of tourists and ladies of easy virtue, who hurry to not be late for work to come.

When my wife Porntip and I are in Bangkok we like to sit here and watch the parade together while half eye watching football. With every person that passes by, we let our imagination run wild and come up with the most hilarious stories.

I extinguish my cigarette in the empty bottle of orange juice and look around for a garbage can. But hey, a trash can in Thailand is generally as rare as a cool April day. Slightly annoyed, I put the empty bottle on the sidewalk and walk to a bar.

hey you! No littering in Bangkok. You follow me

After a few meters I hear behind me, HEY YOU! A policeman, sharp in his uniform, sunglasses on, speaks to me sternly and orders me, NO LITTERING in Bangkok. Oh dear, I got it again. Demonstratively I turn around, walk towards the empty bottle, pick it up and walk towards the officer.

Somewhat assertively, I tell him that I'm lovingly putting the bottle in a trash can. Maybe he can point me to that garbage can, where he snaps at me, FOLLOW ME! NOW! I follow him docilely and he leads me to the nearest gas station. I think naively, oh well he is right, there must be a rubbish bin there, but he just passes the rubbish bin!!

Now I'm starting to feel wetness, something isn't right here, what is that guy doing? Then I start to notice his walk… his walk is slightly swaying, I think he is at least a versatile person and he wants me to follow him….

My imagination is running wild and not in the right direction. He takes me to his equally lightly swaying or, who knows, even heavily swaying buddies, after which I am rudely introduced to gentlemen's love somewhere in a filthy, dimly lit, interrogation room. I like variety, but I'm not talking about this kind of variety at all.

Abruptly I turn around and tell him I have other plans while at the same time putting the empty bottle in the trash. The Village People lookalike still calling after me, HEY YOU, YOU FOLLOW ME! Yes bye, I'm not crazy Henkie and continue my way to a beer bar. Like a true hero, he keeps calling after me but does nothing before the rest, he will really have to find another victim for his unclear escapades. Somewhat scared of this one narrow escape I order a tequila and a beer and think to myself, pffff that could have ended very badly.

Phil, the postman

Fortunately, the tequila works immediately and I can quickly turn the knob and enjoy the colorful procession of tourists, ladies of easy virtue and various nebulous people. Beautiful to behold, but where is that buddy of mine now? Oh well, let me look further around the bar.

Soon I notice a somewhat aged Thai lady who is in an animated conversation with an even older Aussie. I can't suppress a smile, which immediately catches her eye and draws me into the conversation. The Aussie turns out to be Phil, Phil the postman, Phil worked in the Aussie post for 15 years and saved his pennies but for some unknown reason he has to collect his Aussie dollars in cash every three months. He proves this by opening his bag and showing me two thick packs of dollar bills.

I think, very smart, Phil the postman, but well I don't mean anything bad and after a few drinks, exchanging stories, Phil decides the postman to ignore it. He tells me he has to catch his flight to Koh Samui, where he currently lives, and he grabs his bag of dollars and continues on his way.

Come to think of it, I've been in Bangkok for about two hours now and if there's one thing I hate, it's dullness. Well, I am served at my beck and call, it is certainly not boring. Finally my Thai/French buddy shows up with a smile and sincere apologies for his delayed arrival. We decide to continue the rest of the evening in an Irish pub, Carlsberg, football and rugby, life is good.

Steam from my ears

Arriving the next day at Mo Chit bus station, seriously hungover I take a minivan to Kampeangsaen to take the bus to Korat so that a day later, very tired, I fall into the loving arms of my wife.

The next morning I hear my wife Porntip open the door at 5 o'clock. Today is the day we start spreading our organically manufactured weed killer across the country. We hope to grow rice organically so that we can supplement my modest teacher salary.

Soon Porntip comes running into the house slightly panicked. "They have killed the dog." "What," I say in disbelief. Who, what, how, why? After some inquiry it turns out that the house dog had gone chicken hunting at the neighbours' house at night. The neighbors then decided not only to shoot the dog, but also to hang it demonstratively from a sign in front of my wife's house. When exactly the animal died, the question remains.

I can understand that a simple farmer wants to protect his chickens; after all, a dog that has already tasted blood has acquired a taste for it and will continue to hunt. But why so blatantly hang the dog? Simply nauseating! After some inquiry, it becomes clear to me which chicken farmer I should go to.

With steam coming out of my ears (I tolerate unnecessary animal suffering very badly and make me susceptible to little reason) I release the dog from the leash around his neck and quickly go to the chicken farmer. Meanwhile, Porntip sees that this can go wrong and calls after me: 'Michel! wait, not now! chai yen yen!'

However, I'm anything but cool, I'm seething and arriving at the chicken farmer I twist the leash around his neck and bite him if that feels right. He frees himself from the leash and wants to run away. Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, we can all walk away, and get right in front of him. He ducks under me and grabs an old-fashioned, rusty scythe to attack me with.

This is where Porntip jumps in. Oh my god, this is the last thing I want. I grab my wife, who meanwhile hurls all kinds of curses at the chicken farmer in Thai. I push her away from the chicken farmer and try to calm her down. In the meantime, I can't help but make it clear to him that if he's a real guy, he'll pick up his belt tonight, I'll wrap it around his chicken neck again with love.

Why I can't stay cool

Full of adrenaline, but also shocked, we return to the parental home where Porntip scolds me. Why can't I stay cool, why do I have to go straight to it, she too is now in all states, and all the frustration and suffering of her deceased dog I get over me. Fortunately, I have recovered and let her calm down so that we can then accept the matter in peace. We continue the day with rice farmers, I think I've earned at least 24 hours of dullness now. Who would have ever thought that I would wish that on New Year's Eve.

Submitted by Michael

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