'up to you'
(Aggapom Poomitud / Shutterstock.com)
Anyone who knows Thailand a bit, also knows the winged expression “up to you” that the Thais use all the time, but often. What does that expression actually mean? Is it easy to translate or are multiple meanings possible?
Let's look at three examples where the "up to you" is used, where you get to solve the dilemma of meaning.
Shop
You are about to go shopping with your girlfriend but it is hot, very hot even and the humidity is high. You would prefer to go in your favorite shorts with slippers on your feet. You are smart because you ask your Thai girlfriend for advice. Is it okay if I keep my shorts on or do you think I should wear long pants with shoes instead of flip flops. The answer is "up to you". So, now think for a moment. Does she think it's best, doesn't she care or do you always walk in shorts so she gets used to it. Or would she rather see you put on long pants this time with a decent shirt or polo because you normally look like a bum?
It's really hot so you ask her again. You get the same answer, but the tone is somewhat annoyed. Strange thing, but you decide to put on those long pants and shoes.
Was it really “up to you”?
Restaurant
“Up to you” also comes into play when choosing a restaurant. You politely ask, “Where do you want to go for dinner tonight?” The answer is of course “up to you” so you can say it yourself. You don't feel like that Thai restaurant with seafood and fish and certainly not in a dinner that is so sharp that afterwards you can use your breath to blow paint off a wooden wall. Then a Dutch restaurant, they have quite a nice menu, not too expensive for Thai food and friendly service. You get another “up to you” as an answer, but this time a bit aggressive. It eventually becomes a Japanese restaurant and it seems that the staff has realized that this was not your first choice. No, it was a compromise, so not really "up to you".
Pub crawl
Your best friend invites you for a night out with some other friends. That's going to be a lot of beer in a lot of bars and a trip home drunk, smelling like onions and doner kebab. You ask your girlfriend if she agrees. Up to you! Does she mean, I think it's fine, go ahead or does she really not want you to go out with those friends? The last time you were indeed drunk, had spent way too much money and also came home with a “beautiful” purple T-shirt with rather risqué pictures on it. This time “up to you” could well mean that when you return home you will no longer enter the house or your room. So up to you!
Conclusion
The above scenarios show that “up to you” can have many meanings. Yes, no, maybe, rather not, I don't want you to go to an a go go bar, I don't care, I really don't care, I'm not listening to you so I can't give a good answer. I can't give you an answer because a wrong answer means loss of face for me and it's not "up to you" at all. The possibilities are endless, but there is a logic to it. In all cases there is only one good solution in every situation.
What is that solution? "Up to you" to find out
Free from a story Inspire Magazine Thailand
– Repost message –
I never understand why foreigners always make such a fuss about their dealings with Thais. It sometimes seems as if foreigners are afraid of Thais. That's what irritates me.
Yes, 'Up to you' is the translation of the Thai ตามใจ taamchai (taam is to follow, literally 'follow your heart'), 'Do what you like, you decide, I'll do you a favor, OK'. For example, just say 'Fine'.
But if you have the impression, as in the examples above, that there is more to it than you can ask about it, right? What did you think about:
'No, today I want to do you a favor, you have to decide'. 'I think you're not completely satisfied, say what you want'. "Are you serious?" "I really appreciate your opinion!" "I think you'd rather go somewhere else, tell me!" etc. Why should you always resign yourself to 'Up to you?'
I agree with you Tina.
I never had an “up to you” from my wife or I must have forgotten such a time. A few times "that's up to you, it doesn't matter to me" in case there was a choice that didn't matter to her. But I've given her that answer at least as often (few) as it mattered to me. If she didn't want or tolerated something or did, she just let me know. Not more than normal. If something was the same for both of us, we would discuss and of course choose based on arguments (such as which was the longest ago, or the easiest).
I can imagine that someone will go crazy if the partner shrugs their shoulders every day, because almost never having an opinion or preference seems unreal to me and will become annoying, after all, you did not enter the relationship with a bag of salt, but with a personality what you love I hope.
Option 3 is that you do not share the bed with a human being of flesh and blood and therefore opinions, but an alien from a distant planet. 😉 555
If you think there's really nothing left behind it, just give it a try. Will another handy man come over to deliver half work, 'how much'? Up to you. OK if it's 'up to me' 200 Baht. 'Cannot'. Same with taxi drivers who don't want to turn on the meter. 'How much'? "Up to you." At every reasonable price you mention, it's 'mai dai'. Ultimately not 'up to me'. With 'up to you' a game has to be played and I can do that too, I don't mind. But don't claim that 'foreigners' are difficult about their dealings with the Thai.
I rarely hear TAAMCHAI in conversation, but I do hear LAEO TAE KHOEN.
According to my teacher, it is precisely this last expression that is behind the Thais used UP TO YOU. The meaning is: you take the decision, I withdraw from it, I bear no responsibility for it; the expression is much less friendly than it is usually understood.
Yes, Alex. In แล้วแต่คุณ laew tae khoen (high low middle tone) I always feel a certain disapproval, doubt or even hostility: 'I don't really feel like it, but okay', something like that. That's why you shouldn't settle for it but keep asking. ตามใจคุณ taamchai khoen (all nice middle tones) is more dignified 'As you wish, ma'amt' and you hear it much less often. Then I rarely hesitate and just say khohp khoen khrap.
The meaning to me is something along the lines of do whatever you feel like doing; I follow what I don't care.
Actually, you could also add I don't feel like thinking about it.
I have never heard a well-bred Thai person say that, my wife never answers that either, usually when a friend has a Thai barmaid on the arm, I often hear it!
Literally "Up to you" may be linked to the less well-groomed English language of a social class, but certainly not just that of barmaids. The attitude of leaving a decision to the questioner, on the other hand, is very general. Even if one asks the question because it is all the same and therefore wants to know someone else's preference, an answer is avoided. Even with clarification and some insistence, it is rarely put into words. In WORDS one does not want to risk 'forcing' an opinion. But oh woe if one cannot correctly assess a clear preference in a different way: tone, body language, knowing each other, even logical thinking (but that Thai logic ... that is where the shoe pinches so often).
PS: With such misjudgment, even the most insensitive will experience a situation that could have been expressed as "Up yours", but even barmaids will not use that terminology.
My advice : never ask her opinion and do what you want ... I learned Isaan after thirteen years !!!
Since using this I have no problems at all with my wife and she doesn't have to make decisions on her own.
It's actually a bit like with children, give them the choice and they can't choose themselves.
One way to get her opinion is not to phrase the question in such a way that she has to make the choice. That's not how a Thai woman was brought up, it's hard for them.
Ex 1: It's so hot, I better keep my shorts. Okay for you? Ex 2 : Feel like Dutch food today. Good for you? Ex 3: Go out tonight with friends. No problem? That's how you can do better. If she replies 'up to you' then she doesn't really like it. If she answers positively (1:yes 2: yes 3:no) then it is also her own (unspoken) choice (1 and 2) or there is certainly no problem (3). If it's from 'mmmm', which in theory also means 'yes', then it depends on the intonation.
Look at her facial expression, the speed of her reaction, etc. Non-verbal behavior explains the real meaning of a word much more than the word itself.
As I write this, I realize that this is another thing that is all about communication skills, or rather, the lack of it in the farang. Actually, both the question and my answer should be completely redundant. But I'll post my comment anyway, maybe someone will benefit from it.
At some point (after a few years) it will become UP TO ME by itself
My wife ( Thai ) always says : follow your wife .
So I never hear up to you,
well; whether that should make you happy.
Just a little ha siep ha siep it will all be ok.
Why not keep it simple in its true meaning. Choose by yourself.
Dear,
'Up to you' is almost always used in order not to lose face.
So you decide, if it turns out wrong it's your fault and they can take you there
count on.
I always use it the other way around so that I can't be held accountable for it later.
After 16 years I still hear it regularly but with a clear undertone, what
means watch out, don't make it too late, not too expensive, etc.etc ……
What can also say, you arrange everything, you take care of everything, you know how to do it well,
or rather, they place the responsibility on you.
I usually think it's sweet, it can also caress you, it's just how you feel.
Yours faithfully,
Erwin
How about: “You are no longer a small child, you have to make your own choices and are responsible for all the consequences of those choices.”
Or you are an adult with everything that goes with it.
It is possible that a different wording of the question about shorts or long trousers yields a different answer.
For example: In Thailand, is it rude for an adult to wear shorts in a mall? (Yes)
Then you don't ask someone to make a decision for you, but you ask for information.
You can then make the decision yourself on the basis of the information received.
My experience with “Up to you” after five years and several girlfriends is:
You do what you want, but your decision will never meet my approval!”
That will become apparent later.
So with an answer like that, I sacrifice myself.
Totally wrong approach maybe!
If a lady uses it in this sense, are you a jerk or is she a bitch. I think the latter, since you sacrifice yourself. But what does it mean, sacrificing yourself after she replies up to you? After all, you don't know what she wants.
Have you ever thought of the “Manslator” 😉
https://www.facebook.com/KhawarOfficial/videos/1697206490497264/?pnref=story
Sounds like a bus: Not just a Thai phenomenon.
– Women elsewhere also tend to have LESS direct (verbal) communication.
– There are many Dutch people on this blog… probably the MOST direct verbal communicators in the world.
However, Flemish people also notice some difference between Thai and Flemish women, especially if they really want to leave the choice to the lady.
Ronnie,
Now that's a great invention!
Just ordered it on Lazada.
M curious…
The link no longer works, but it will be the following video: https://youtu.be/ezVib_giTFo
We can take it positively in the sense that your Thai wife gives you the freedom of choice and then you could say: "Thank you very much or sawasdee khrap for allowing me the freedom to choose what I like to do".
Interpretation is still gambling. If you don't trust it, it says something about you whether you're going to check if she really means it, because then you'll have a serious conversation and get to know each other better.
I can't ask my dear, but I think the scenarios would have played out like this:
shopping: “honey shall I put on my shorts or my long pants?” Possible responses: 1) we are going to something special, you have to be neat, wear long trousers” 2) “we are only going for a short while, shorts are fine” 3) “I don't care, which do you like better? ”.
Food: “honey shall we go out to dinner?” 1) “no because… (I will cook myself, another time is better, too expensive, ..) 2) fine, shall we go to the wok restaurant/…?” 3) I don't care, what do you want?"
Nb: we only went to the Thai once in the Netherlands. She preferred to cook Thai herself because the result is just as good or better but cheaper.
going out: I didn't drink too much so a night out was no problem. The answer was “have fun” and we would also tell her when she went out for a night with friends. If your partner is drunk and hangs out with other ladies / men, then it will be something different. If she suspected me of drinking and going after women, she would have let me know that I had better not do that if my relationship is (was) dear to me.
When I read the piece like this I wonder to what extent that couple was one with heart and soul and full of trust. I might go pack my bags.
Thais don't like to use negativity and therefore don't like the word 'no', which is why 'up to you' is a handy alternative that often means the same thing 🙂
What are we going to do this afternoon? Up to you.
Where are we going to eat tonight? Up to you.
Shall we go to the bar tonight? Up to you.
Which bar are we going to? Up to you.
do you love me? Up to you.