The suffering that is called love at a distance
“I want a farang friend”, she decided. A future that was all about working 10 hours seven days a week for a pittance made her desperate.
She had a 'room' in a Bangkok slum. Every night after work she plopped down on her mat on the floor, exhausted. She cried a lot, a hopeless and poverty-stricken existence with no prospect of better times. Work and sleep, day in and day out.
A colleague knew the solution to all her misery: a farang friend. “They are rich and will give you everything you want,” the older woman said. She should know because she had a daughter with a farang friend. All her problems would disappear like snow in the sun. Hooking up a farang is the main prize in the lottery, she was convinced of that by now.
About a year later, she finally saw her long-cherished wish come true. She has a farang friend, her first. And the author of this article. Now that she has both feet on the ground again, she takes stock and discovers that a farang friend is not necessarily heaven on earth.
There is no handbook for a 'farang boyfriend'. I have her bookThai fever” sent. Here the differences between the cultures are neatly written down. The paper is patient, but the practice is a lot more stubborn. An annoying side effect is also that her boyfriend is not rich but just a 'poor farang'. She didn't know they existed. All farangs are filthy rich, aren't they?
I've been honest with her from day one about what to expect from this relationship. No flashy house in Isaan, no car, no hip cell phone. Only a limited monthly contribution so that she can live at home with her daughter and take care of her. There are no other flavors. Not because I'm stingy, but my pole doesn't reach any further. Jumping further is then not useful.
My offer was fair and acceptable in her eyes. After internal family deliberation, she agreed. That meant living at home again. A new experience. At the age of fifteen, she left for Bangkok to work. Of the next nine years, she was only home for two years to give birth and feed her daughter. The baby's father left with the well-known Thai northern sun. After this hiatus, she returned to Bangkok to resume her old life as a cleaning lady. Cleaning offices and hotel rooms. Unskilled labor. Mind-numbing, but money has to be made. For her daughter and for mom and dad.
Once back in the idyllic country village, everyday life is not easy. With a farang boyfriend your status does increase, but there is not much fun to be had. After the novelty wears off, the next phase comes. This phase is called: 'you have a farang friend, so you have money and we want some of that too.'
She was approached daily by her fellow villagers. They wanted money from her. Just like her father and mother, brother number 1, brother number 2, sister number 1, grandmother, uncles and aunts, cousins, sister-in-law, neighbours, friends, vague acquaintances, former colleagues and passers-by. After all, there is a chronic lack of money in Isaan. And there is always a leaking roof, a sick child, or a gambling debt somewhere that needs to be paid off.
Then she just says no, you would think. Unfortunately, that does not work in the close-knit Thai village community. You have to share your wealth. 'Naam Jai', showing your good heart. She has to because in the future the odds may turn. Bad times may come, the relationship may be on the rocks. In that case, she may have to turn to others. Then it is not convenient if you yourself are known as a miser.
But sharing is difficult because she doesn't have much herself either. She has hooked a 'poor farang'. That cannot be explained to the villagers because every farang is rich after all. At one point she chose to stay inside the house all day. No more being confronted with 'begging' fellow villagers. That didn't really help, the rest of the family is just as eager to shake the money tree. Turning off the phone was not an option. Then I wouldn't be able to reach her either.
Another problem is boredom. There is nothing, absolutely nothing to do in an Isan village. When her daughter is at school, she has the choice between cleaning the house, watching TV, cooking or washing. The only trip is twice a month by motorbike to Tesco Lotus in a neighboring town. To look there, at everything you can't buy.
She waited seven months for me to get together holiday to celebrate. For three weeks. Those weeks flew by. Now she waits for the next holiday and asks me every day on the phone when I will be back. I cannot give an answer. First of all, I have to save again for the next trip. In addition, my available vacation days are not inexhaustible. Bringing her to the Netherlands is not possible at the moment.
This is how this fairy tale falls to pieces. The knight in shining armor turns out to be a poor slob on a donkey. The chronic lack of money has hardly been resolved and the boredom in the village is deadly. Fortunately, she loves me very much and I love her.
The suffering that is called love at a distance.
all sounds very familiar. My suffering is only called waiting for the IND
Fortunately I don't have to support a whole family.. For now only my own friends and our 3 dogs..
Have you been waiting for the IND for a long time?
5 months today
Well, it's not always easy. There are many hurdles to overcome.
Beautifully written. Internet and Skype soften the pill, but it still tastes bitter. My wife would like to continue working in bkk because she knows that boredom will only make it difficult. So with luck I will be there for 3 weeks, they will be here for 3 months, I will be there for 10 days and then they will be here again. Meanwhile transferring money for her and trying to pay for our tickets. But I'm happy to give it all up because... you know...
out of sight, out of mind, not simple at all
That's right Peter I could have been the writer.
I think back to 2002, fell in love...tried to bring her to the Netherlands for a holiday, refused three times...unfortunately the relationship ended in 2008, but I'm still lucky I take care of my daughter [although I'm not the biological father ] but a word is a word. I'm still happy, especially when I'm in Thailand. And not out of sight, out of mind
I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 7 years.
Finally, the residence permit was in order and she could come here to live and work.
However, suddenly the requests for money and help from mothers and the rest of the family became extremely high. She eventually left me for a thai man.
Why? then her family's requests for money would no longer be there (she thinks).
It's sour after the whole IND circus that I've arranged.
I'm still devastated.
Long distance relationship, NEVER AGAIN!!
Khan Peter,
Well and clearly stated truthfully.
I couldn't have done better.
Yet there are also 'Thai lovers' who want to stay in their village in the countryside.
Who don't have to/don't want to think about living in the 'big city'.
In the evening, after a day of hard work, alone and lonely in their 'room' (well known to us, those 'cubicles' that the 3 or 4 of them share, with a fan and the “toilet” in the corridor)
come and try to sleep!!
In her village she has her loves, family, friends and acquaintances.
And so I know a few who also have a farang at a distance.
Peter,
How recognizable! I recognize the problem, but I also recognize myself in your situation: I too am a “Poor farang”! I am also honest and tell the Thai lady(s) that, but nevertheless they continue to regard me as rich, and compared to them and their family, that is of course the case. Thank God, Buddha be praised.
I admire your inspiration to keep writing a new and interesting article. Moreover, you are greatly to your credit for daring to be so vulnerable. Compliments!
True, I respect being honest and open, but the reality is usually misunderstanding on the Thai side (and of course it would be un-Thai to express this. 'You not rich? Mai pen rai!' Mai pen rai ammehoela!) A lot poor Thais have no idea of the costs in the Western world and continue to see the farang as an inexhaustible source of income. If, in their opinion, there is not enough shifting, it is often a natural and justifiable matter for them to supplement this in any way possible, if only to avoid losing face or building up credit for the future, as the article already stated. indicates, and it is therefore not uncommon for several farangs to be involved.
Peter, this is a beautiful and sensitive piece and I do not want to detract from that, in addition you are also quite realistic as far as I know you, but perhaps for more naive readers it is good to indicate that in general the type of agreement you made here does not always work. Thais interpret these kinds of agreements much more broadly than the Dutch, and not hurting people is still more important than honesty for the Thai. In the case of bargirls, I wouldn't expect anything in return to avoid disappointment.
@ Robert, these kinds of agreements are also difficult to make in practice. There is always an 'unexpected' expense item that crops up. Some help from the farang is therefore expected. It continues to look for balance. And set the boundaries in time.
Very well known Peter, very annoying. I am happy that I can go there a lot, but even then it is not so nice.
Why don't you give her an occupation like raising chickens ducks pigs etc.
This does not require such a large investment, they have something to do, and it also brings in money.
So I did, and in not too long she will be independent of me.
Greetings carlo
Very nicely said Peter! So those are the things that you often have to deal with when you have a relationship with a partner from a faraway country and that you never thought about when Cupid shot his arrows.
Dear Peter
An honest story, but love at a distance does not work. I have been living in Isaan for years and am constantly being accosted by Robert I want farang and I keep saying I don't know.
Have friends who visit me here from pattaya and holland and show them what they all build here most of them have 2 or 3 farangs opna there is even one who has a house in phuket owned by a swiss but she thinks she lives with mamma in isaan but really she is nicely married to an Englishman and that gentleman knows that she has a Swiss. while also benefiting from it.
So when farang no. 1 comes to see what he has built, she shows the house when no. 2 comes, she shows the other house believe but the Thais in the village laugh and say nothing and certainly keep the family silent.
Now I don't have any problems with the family. They live in Bangkok. Mom and Dad and their 2 sister and husband come here with Songkran once a year then we go to the makro and buy lots of fish, shrimps and meat and make a nice party that is paid for by me and see them return home satisfied. I could continue with stories that I experience here, but hats off to Peter for being so honest with his girlfriend.
@ Robert 48, of course I know those stories. I've heard or read hundreds of them. Nevertheless, thanks for warning me. I'm wary but I do trust her. No one has any guarantees in life, not even with a Western relationship.
Hi Peter
A beautiful story that I can also relate to.
I have been able to meet my girlfriend for over 6 years now, and I am fortunate enough to be with her 3 to 4 times a year. And yes I trust her too and she trusts me. I think this is also necessary otherwise you should never embark on such an adventure. But yes, I also know people here and in the area
who have several partners, and who live only 10 kilometers apart. So I'm still very happy. In November we will finally build on our own piece of land and then hopefully go to paradise for good in a few years. Good luck to you too.
Peter thanks again for your beautiful and honest story, and look forward to the stories every day
on Thailand blog.
And also the honest response of many readers, and as my late father taught me,
Honesty is the best policy, and no matter how fast the lie, the truth will catch up.
I don't want to be l * ll * g, but what exactly are the certainties / uncertainties of a relationship close?
You have no certainties in your life, you can only have expectations, and trust in your fellow man, and whoever does good, meets well
In principle I agree with you Henk, yet there is a difference between realistic expectations and naivety. In addition, 'doing good' is also multi-interpretable – after all, the Thai does 'good' by not hurting, while the Dutch see honesty more as 'doing good'.
You have to gamble a bit in life, sure, totally agree. And anywhere your relationship can hit the rocks. But you can also walk into a trap with your eyes open, especially in Thailand, see that happen regularly. What I read here in the nice Dutch responses, such as 'be clear', 'tell the situation', 'go straight ahead' and 'honest is the best policy'; they are all nice responses that will work well in the Netherlands, but they seem to give little account of a general awareness of how things work in Thailand. Just stay yourself, of course, but adjust the expectations a bit, I say.
Doesn't detract from Khun Peter's beautiful piece.
you keep going, don't you peter? do.
personally I never received any request for support, but it was I who needed to be supported….
but I admit that a long distance relationship really doesn't work , I've experienced it a few times , and it invariably ends in sadness.
put M on , motivate her indeed with projects she can do , that will keep everyone mentally awake .
my best wishes and yes maybe you should make some decisions after all .
but without a financial basis that is damned difficult. for her / for you.
special, that you write so candidly, my respect for this.
Beautiful story Peter, I hope you can figure it out. What a hassle these days with the IND. I recently spoke to a Belgian and he told me: apply for a Schengen visa at the Norwegian embassy in Bangkok. This is how you get it (he said) you can take them with you for three months (he said). But I have my doubts.
And Robert's story: extreme things happen everywhere. Also in the Netherlands plenty, but you can't assume that. Then it will never work out.
In any case, you have kicked off well by telling her exactly how the fork is.
You can no longer be faced with surprises in that respect.
She will have to try to keep that family at a distance, but in the ESAN culture that is not an easy thing. The bangkokians think very differently about this. They are much harder and more western oriented.
And what makes me so sad is that there are people walking around here who never get a chance.. They have no chance from birth, just like your girlfriend as a cleaning lady.
All jobs are passed on to relatives here. My wife regularly says:
no quality but family.
A compliment for your honest story and TOI TOI.
In the Netherlands it is called, it is not who you are but who you know
It may be a crazy idea Peter, but have you ever thought about moving to Thailand and teaching English? If you have a HBO education and your English is (very) good, you will have a job in the Isaan.
I don't think that's an idea, but a very good idea.
Yes Andrew, at least it would make more sense. Thailand fits Peter like a glove and whether his girlfriend will also think the same about the Netherlands if she were to live there is still the question. I came here ten years ago with 7 kg of luggage, a thousand dollars on a one-way ticket (for a job that fell through at the last minute)
I have never been without a job for a day. It is really possible to build a whole new life in Thailand in a short time. You also have to be a bit lucky of course. With bad luck it doesn't work out that way..
@ thanks for thinking along. There are certainly valuable suggestions in there. Permanently living in Thailand is not my choice. I am too attached to the Netherlands for that. I am looking into whether I can do my work in Thailand for three months or so (my work is largely location independent). That would be quite an improvement. However, that takes time to organize it that way. I depend on clients (freelance activities).
In the meantime I will have to accept it as it is. Luckily I can write it off every now and then 😉
What a beautifully and realistically written story.
Also a bit sad.
I recognize a lot in it.
Thanks.
Gerrit
I don't really believe in a long-distance relationship, I met my current wife about nine years ago and we both liked it. I then suggested that she come to Belgium during the years that I still had to work, first for three months (it was refused twice) and then for six months with the possibility of extension. (was also refused due to insufficient income, but the amount I had passed on in euros had been seen at the aliens department as Belgian francs) All's well that ends well and we together enjoying each other in Belgium.
Now we have been living in Thailand for almost three years, but that does not make it any easier, because then the rich falang will come to Thailand and everyone will be happy.
It took me about a year to put things in order. In the beginning we sat here every day with about 15 people eating and drinking, of course. Then I asked my wife who she wanted to live with, with me or with the family Then she made it clear to the family that things couldn't go on like this, privacy was no longer there and the whole family understood that and now have a normal family relationship and help each other. Finally, my wife had not gone to Belgium I currently do not live in Thailand, because as I said I do not believe so much in a relationship at a distance and had therefore never started.
That's what I did, made it clear from the beginning that we “farang” are not the “millionman” as we are often called. And it's the fairest way. My girlfriend is from Udon (Suwan Khuha) and she still lives there, works somewhere in a textile company and farm for a measly wage, has to support her mother and daughter,... well, as there are so many cases in Thailand. But she has never asked to send money, even though she sends 2 text messages every day. Of course we have plans for the future, but I have made it clear that we do not have infinite money. That we also have to work hard and sacrifice a lot to be able to travel. Showing a brochure from your local Carrefour makes them think for a moment when comparing prices. They are indeed not all the same, but we “farang” must be honest from the start.
That's the beauty of this blog, the candor, that makes it interesting, educational and admirable.
Honest and beautifully written, I enjoy your pieces, and get to know Thai culture even better.
Well written. You know how to strike a chord with many people, including me. But when I look closely at the beautiful, expressive photo, I assume your Thai love, in the article, I think: Khun Peter: what a Rich Farang you are!! Is difficult, remains difficult, but where there is a will there is a way. Up to you, Peter.
@ Thanks Ben! Well, I certainly feel privileged. And rich I am sure: rich in experience, healthy and contented.
All compliments given are justified Peter. I have had a Thai girlfriend for six months, she will come to the Netherlands in 2 weeks for 3 weeks and she was here for 6 weeks in March/April. I went to Thailand in December and met her then, went back in February to check if it was all serious and not a holiday fling and I think it is serious.
It is so serious that I have decided to stop working on January 1, 2012, I can use a good pre-pension scheme (I am 57). The income I have then is a lot lower than now, but more than enough for Thailand. Calculated that it is cheaper to live there for a large part of the year, than to keep buying tickets and sending money. Many comments have already been made about sending money, my girlfriend never asked for money and I started it myself and now send regularly. She never asked for money, only when her mother was hospitalized did she ask for the costs. Now I can already hear some readers thinking “where have I heard this before?”.
In October I will look in the isaan, near nong bua lamphu, to see if I can rent a rented house there for a reasonable price (if anyone knows?) and if I really like the area there. Now my girlfriend still lives in Bangkok with her 2 children and would like to be with her regularly sick mother.
I believe in our relationship and wanted to live in Thailand anyway, no matter how my relationship is going. I have gained so much information and experiences from the thailand blog and I will certainly continue to do so, especially with these kinds of true stories.
Wow, amazing, to be so open and vulnerable on your own blog to the rest of the world. Naturally, your problems and backgrounds do not understand why you cannot bring them to the Netherlands (at least once or twice a year for 1 months). But I now have much more understanding for all your other often fascinating stories that I always enjoy reading.
Have been living in the Isaan for several years now and have been traveling back and forth for years, they temporarily in NL and TH and a few years permanently in NL.
Read so often on the blog about the contributions to that poor Thai family and other blackheads, but have had very different experiences for 18 years now (in 2 relationships and a lot of family).
With a little bit of clarity towards family in Bangkok as well as the Isaan, absolutely no one asks for money. Have many Thai friends, acquaintances and family. Yes, and we are the richest with the largest house, but no one (anymore) comes up with the idea of begging for money. It is true that we usually pay for the dinner, but that is it.
Be clear once and everyone will understand and those who don't understand will stay away. But never really bad experiences with it.
Do understand that a relationship will be under a lot of pressure if you can only see each other for a few weeks once a year. Good on you for keeping this up for so long. Then feelings must be real and money is apparently not the issue.
If you don't feel anything for definitive TH myself, I would try to get her to NL as soon as possible, even if only for 3 months. I would miss my love too much and no skype or internet contact can beat that.
All the best. May you soon find the right solution and that she is strong enough to resist "difficult" family and other distressed fellow villagers.
Again, nice of you to open up like that.
A candid story that is also very recognizable to me.
Last Tuesday (21-6) I was zapping in the middle of a penetrating and moving documentary on Canvas about the many Danish-Thai marriages in Ty, a region in the north of Denmark, in the 3 minutes that I was able to watch the documentary. I already have a lot of insight into this matter, but I think it's a shame that I wasn't able to see it completely. The documentary is called “Ticket to Paradise” and when I searched the internet for more information I saw that this was actually dl. 2 of a diptych by a certain Janusz Metz, the first part is called “Love on delivery” which I also missed. I have searched on YouTube, Holland Doc and Missed Broadcast, but to my great regret with no results, so I am posting this in the hope that there is someone who reads this and offers a solution.
more info :
http://programmas.canvas.be/documentaire/ticket-to-paradise/
http://programmas.canvas.be/documentaire/love-on-delivery/
dear friends, I think this is a beautiful story but true and that is not only in the country but also in the country, they all want a rich guy who will have to support the family because then she is the princess on a white horse, I am 10 years old myself by the same woman and have 2 lovely children, 2 boys, but I am not and do not come first, that is the family and yet I know she loves me and I love her and you couldn't change that jv