A conversation between two gentlemen in Washington DC

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Tr: Hello Kuhn Too. Am I allowed to say Kuhn Too or not? I'm glad you still found time to visit me here at the White House during this busy period, just before Loy Katong, the Barge Ceremony and Christmas.

To: No problem. I may not have my own plane like you, but Thai Airways is not too bad to leave a few hundred customers in the cold, no heat of course in Bangkok, and have a plane ready for me, that is to say empty it when I that will. In the end, the government pays everything, or rather the Thai taxpayer. But he doesn't understand that.

Tr: Yes, I'm sorry I can't come to Cambodia for the ASEAN Summit this coming weekend. Press, press, press, press. Watching TV, playing golf, tweeting with my children and exes about all kinds of state affairs and yes, also the situation in Syria. I thought we were done now that we killed that Baghdadi but everyone says there is more ISIS in the world. Fortunately not in the US. Otherwise Fox News would have reported it. I'm just building a wall to stop them, maybe along the Turkish-Syrian border. Netanyahu thinks it's a good idea if the Jews are allowed to build it, he tweeted. You can say what you want about those Jews, but you can make a deal with them.

To: Dear Donald, Bangkok is not in Cambodia but in Thailand.

Tr: My all-time gig and education minister Betsy de Vos had convinced me that I had to go to Cambodia for ASEAN. But yeah, she's not as intelligent as me so I didn't say anything about it. But since you're here, I have a question for you. Why do you want to stop buying all those wonderful chemicals that are so good for your rice and mangoes? They work very well here against black and Mexican insects. You are not going to tell me, as a right-minded top soldier and pseudo-dictator, that you are suddenly so concerned about the fate of all your Thai subjects? Hahahahahaha.

To: No, of course not. I'm a bit like you in that. But you also know that sometimes you have to please a few troublemakers by giving them something they've been asking for for years. All the easier it will be to get their support for things I like to see like law and order, fewer road deaths, up-to-date investments in military equipment and more people with uniforms and cropped hair. I desperately need the opposition because I – like you – have had to manipulate the figures of the majority of the people a little. Without Russians and Facebook, by the way.

Tr: But you do understand that, as the elected president of the most powerful and democratic country in the world, I can't let that go over my head. I am therefore thinking about not allowing Thai fish and fish products in the US as of January 1st. I guess the North Koreans will be happy if you send the fish to them. I'll call Kim Jung-un tomorrow to see how much money he's willing to pay for it. Is everyone happy anyway and I don't lose face. And Kim is smart enough to make the Chinese pay. The fish is expensive.

To: Speaking of communists. What do you think of the recent statements of my top general Apirat? He had a strong message for all those agitators that I naturally whispered to him.

Tr: Well, to be honest. You have to be careful with them and make a good distinction between bad and good communists. I mean if they listen to you they are good communists; if they don't listen to you, like the Chinese, they are bad communists.

To: And what should I do with those protests in Hong Kong? You have already stood up for them and I understand that with the trade war with the Chinese in mind. But all Thai captains-of-industry urge me to condemn those agitators or we can forget about trading with Beijing. And if you stop buying fish from us, you're not really making yourself popular in Thailand. On the other hand, political leaders who actually belong in prison are popular in my country. And then Thanathorn of the FFP plays another game with me by taking a picture with one of those Hong Kong protest leaders.

Tr: Yes, you should keep that Thanathorn as a friend, my CIA says. He is young, rich and intelligent. He has all that for you.

To: And also to you, I think.

Tr: We're not going to cats, are we? Let's make an appointment for early next year. I'm coming to Bangkok and Pattaya because I want to see with my own eyes how we Americans have contributed to the prosperity of Thailand. Read today (really, I read sometimes) that Bangkok's largest stadium is not big enough to accommodate the 70.000 Christian followers for a pope's mass. But don't you pay all those paupers 500 Baht a day to demonstrate or wave flags? Maybe you can do that too when I come. I pay 50% of the costs. Deal? Instead of sleeping in a luxury hotel in Bangkok I would like to stay in a home-stay, not for a short time if you understand me. I'd love to play a game of golf with you too. I've been told that many Thai military personnel maintain their fitness by playing golf while on duty, as I do. But do me a favor. Only men on the golf course. I don't want to lose to that Thai young lady…. what's her name again?

To: Ariya Jutanugarn you mean

Tr: Yeah, that name sounds familiar. Of course you can't lose her. That affects my good and manly reputation. And she's not exactly my type either. I count on you.