Gossip, the national folk sport in Thailand
In the 'Land of Smiles' there is not only a lot of laughter, but above all a lot of gossip. While gossip is prevalent all over the world, it's for ภาษาไทย also a kind of exhaust valve. As a result, gossip often takes on bizarre forms.
Loss of face
Thais are masters at avoiding conflict in public. This has to do with the culture of shame and the prevention of loss of face. These aspects are very important in Thai society. Getting angry, raising your voice or shouting is a great shame. Both for the person who gets angry and for the 'victim'. Not showing emotions creates more cohesion and a pleasant society, the Thai believe. But, as always, there is also a downside to this beautiful idea. We are human beings and what makes us human are our emotions.
Thais also have those emotions, of course. These are usually expressed behind the front door or through the use of (too much) alcohol. The readers among us who have a Thai partner can talk about it. If all pent-up emotions come out with a Thai, then hide.
To gossip
Because Thai people don't want to hurt each other by telling someone straight to their face what they think, this happens indirectly. When a Thai criticizes someone else, he will not say it directly to that person, but will talk about it with others. In proper Dutch we call this 'gossip'.
The behavior surrounding gossip is rather ambivalent. Because loss of face must be avoided, while gossiping about someone, of course, does lead to loss of face. Thais therefore find it terrible when they are gossiped about. Then they gossip about it themselves. Processing emotions usually involves gossiping, it's a tried and tested way to blow off some steam.
Boredom
There is not much to do in my girlfriend's Isan village. The small community, the boredom and the desire for some sensation also fuel the need to gossip. Take that along with the face loss story above and the gossip soap is born.
For example, in my friend's village there lives a lady who has all the characteristics of a bargirl (and also met her boyfriends there). She herself trumpets that she receives 40.000 baht every month from her English lover who earns a living as a taxi driver. She has already brought her English boyfriend to the village once, but also some other boyfriends. And then the gossip machine kicks in. The villagers call her a 'cheap woman' which in free translation simply means 'whore'. She smokes and drinks heavily, of course there is also gossip about that.
With this story you can still imagine that it is the reason for a fat gossip. But virtually everything is a subject of gossip and backbiting in the Thai village community. Thais frantically try to avoid gossip about them. Because gossip means a dent in your carefully constructed image, read status.
Refrigerator
My girlfriend's parents don't have a refrigerator. Not so special in itself, were it not for the fact that there is a daughter who has a farang boyfriend. In this particular case, gossip spreads in the village that she (my friend) is not a good woman because she does not give a refrigerator to her parents. That I should be the indirect financier of the refrigerator is irrelevant in Thai wisdom.
The reasoning of a Thai: farang = money. Daughter with farang boyfriend = rich daughter. Rich daughter = fridge for Mom and Dad.
When Mom and Dad don't have or soon will have a refrigerator, this is grist to the mill of the village gossip. My girlfriend is not a good daughter and talks about the tongue. Something that makes her sad.
The bizarre thing is that not only fellow villagers gossip, but Mum also participates in it. My girlfriend literally said to me: “Mom will never tell me she wants a refrigerator. She will also never tell me directly that I'm stingy if I don't give her a fridge. I hear that from other villagers who have spoken to my mother.”
Not a red cent
The circle is round again. Mom criticizes her daughter but won't say it directly to her face. The message reaches her through the grapevine and in the meantime the whole village knows that Mama wants a refrigerator. Now my girlfriend doesn't have a penny, but she does have a farang boyfriend. So sooner or later there will be a brand new fridge glistening at the family.
With that, the relative peace returns to the village for a while. The daughter receives 'merits' from Buddha for being good to her parents, the village gossip has been put to rest for a while and mom and dad are happy with the new refrigerator.
The only one sighing out loud is Khun Peter, because he knows that this is not the last sacrifice he will have to make. It is simply part of being in a relationship with a Thai lady.
For 8000 thb you have a gem of a fridge with freezer, my friend thought her mother could manage with a smaller one a raison of 5.000 thb. Explained to her that the bigger boys like more shots and that she could also pay extra for electricity.
And that is less than 2 weeks ago, with the reasoning you described above.
I gave my parents-in-law a refrigerator, also for my health, that thing has never been on, was only there to be beautiful, but they were happy with it.
@ Lex, well. I heard a story from someone who had a decent shower built outside his house for his girlfriend's parents. Was never used, now serves as a shed. But they can say they have a shower…
@ Khun Peter, because my wife left with me for the Netherlands at some point, I gave my father-in-law a bank book with 50.000 baht, to cover his living expenses and for unforeseen expenses (no Simsot), after he passed away I got it booklet, with the complete amount + interest back, he did not want to accept money from a Farang, so it can be done that way.
Well Peter,
what will be the next to give. She already has a 2nd hand motorbike from me, I suspect that next time it will be planks to make the house watertight. Just make a blog about the mother-in-law, I'm curious about the reactions about this.
@ Hans, the roof of my girlfriend's parents is also leaking. If we buy shelves together we might be able to get a quantity discount 😉
By the way, I just saw that you already have a number of blogs about the family.
But good luck with your planks and thanks for the offer, I'll take those corrugated sheets, wood is damn expensive in Thailand, I was surprised about that at first.
But my girlfriend is now also starting to see that if she doesn't set limits with regard to her parents and family, acquaintances and you name the whole reute mob, that her purse will run out a lot faster than desired.
We farang often think: “yes bye… just look at it”.
Here it is part of the culture that you take care of your parents. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as it is not abused. And if those people are really poor, there is certainly nothing wrong with that. If they also only have 1 child, it will be very difficult.
The talk goes a long way, they like to tell how well their children take care of them and how proud they are of that.
We know the statement from Reve;
“Poor people are no good because otherwise they wouldn't be poor”
Of course, underneath the irony is the frustration of a sad childhood in a communist environment. And we can laugh about it.
In the land of smiles, however, things are serious. Without elaborating on karma and Buddhism, etc., it is clear that in that society your destiny is determined. Knowledge of elementary rules of the economy, showing initiative, entrepreneurship, Western logic, it is all rudimentary. And what do you want, food is always there and the climate is bearable.
And then suddenly one day there is a tree of a guy with a long nose and pockets full of money.
A smile from Buddha!
Cheers
When I am in Thailand, I still visit my ex mother-in-law and she is happy to see me….in the 3 years she has been my ex mother-in-law, she has only asked for money once, and that was for medicine. Otherwise never….I will give 2 to 3 thousand bath to her when I leave. And I take care of my daughter. I want to say that if I have it I will help, if I don't it will stop. But I never noticed any abuse.
My brother-in-law was buried this week. He died of cancer after a short illness.
I had sent 10.000 Baht. This weekend my wife called and she was told that they were still short of 30.700 Baht for the costs of the funeral, if we would like to match that. oops!
Ron, don't be fooled, all villagers contribute to this. Yes, if they want to make it a blast, but that is of course a completely different story and you don't have to pay for that or do you (lol)?
Unfortunately we had to bury Mom. I believe it cost 50k, Dad paid for it. In addition, there was still about 30k in the gift pot.
I presented the story to a friend of my wife, that friend is well aware of Buddhist customs and norms, according to her your brother-in-law must have had very few visitors at the funeral (no cremation?), it is a good practice that every guest contributes to the costs,
Depending on the festivities, strange word in this context but okay, the ceremony can take 1 to 3 days, with a lot of food and drink, the higher the person's prestige the longer, so the ceremony is more expensive, but if any of you although expected to contribute a total of 40700 it must have been an insanely expensive affair, the normal cost is 40000 baht, maximum 50000, and generally more than half is contributed by the guests.
The total cremation cost nearly 100.000 Baht. The visit has around 50.000 baht
contributed, but yes, they must also all be fed and drinked.
The “party” lasted 3 days. I received the first photos. Don't know how to upload it here. The box looked nice, it must have cost a few things.
There were also 9 Buddhas who received 500 Baht per person per day, which is 13.500 Baht for three days. In short, a lot has been done.
My girlfriend's parents would like her to come back to live at home, she now lives in BKK and has just got a job again. At home, mom and dad are gossiping, so they keep putting themselves in the picture and therefore also raise the expectations within the rest of the family. My girlfriend doesn't want to believe that mom is also so busy. My girlfriend obviously doesn't want to live at home again because then she will be manipulated even more, now people are calling every day and they always ask if I have already transferred money 🙁 and the answer is always no. I notice from my girlfriend that the pressure is increasing, but that she never dares to say that she does not want to talk about money. She doesn't want to hurt her parents or let them lose face, but also doesn't want to come up with money anymore...... I really feel sorry for her, the sweetheart has been pulling the cart for over 6 years and now wants a life of her own. And preferably in the Netherlands because then she can just call once a week and not every day, then the pressure is off.