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Reader Question: Help, my son hooked up with a bargirl

By Submitted Message
Posted in Reader question
Tags:
November 15 2015

Dear readers,

My son hooked up with a bargirl with a child and now he is busy arranging an MVV for her. He does not listen, and according to him he does not pay anything to the parents and for the child that is not his, I know better.

According to him, she will work in the Netherlands and then send money home. Yes, that would be nice were it not for the fact that this girl has already had several men and has been to several countries and certainly has some sponsors. Is she going to strip my son financially?

What can I do ?

With greeting,

Willy

Number of times read: 221

23 responses to “Reader question: Help, my son hooked up with a bargirl”

  1. Johan says up
    15 November 2015 at 09: 56

    Hi willy.

    Happened to me too, later I became wise. Everyone was against me. I had to save that girl and child from the bar. Cost a lot of money. I'm back on top of it now. Whatever you say, it doesn't help, people in love are not open to reason. Wim Sonneveld said: I went to praise him, praised him straight to the grave. That she seems so nice. And has a good figure. Etc. Do otherwise, just like me, you will lose your son that time. I have now returned to my father and mother, but they have not seen me for 3 years. So don't argue anymore, just let it go. It's difficult as a mother and you see your child slipping. Try to keep up with it. Hope this is of some use to you.
    Get well soon.

  2. Jasper van Der Burgh says up
    15 November 2015 at 10: 08

    Dear Willy,

    The information you provide is rather limited. To begin with, the MVV: issuing this is subject to strict conditions in the Netherlands. For example, the woman must first integrate abroad”, ie take a Dutch language proficiency test, etc. If your son is not married to her, he must be able to demonstrate a lasting and exclusive relationship with her (that is not possible with 6 weeks of vacation). If the child comes along, the Thai(?) father must first give permission for this. If the child does NOT come along, he should not start it anyway, then she will only come to earn money.
    He must also make it clear to her that it may be common practice in Thailand to let the woman keep her self-earned money, but that in the Netherlands everything goes in a pile and that everything is paid for. I doubt very much that she can earn more than minimum wage, and that will go down nicely within the family. If she thinks she can earn more, she probably has another “job” in mind.

    • rori says up
      15 November 2015 at 11: 26

      Correct And besides, if the “future” partner sees that and she is indeed only after “business” gain, then she will drop out.
      Or has she been to the Netherlands or Belgium before? Then I'd be very careful. But who am I???

      Furthermore, your son will of course have to pay for the visa and so on for the course. 2 times on course and 2 times exam should be enough. But yes, there will be many excuses why she can't succeed. Probably due to the examiner and of course the teacher was not good.

      Advice there is a Nuffic office in Bangkok there is someone who can help with good Dutch courses.
      She also arranges this for future students who want to study in the Netherlands

  3. ferry says up
    15 November 2015 at 10: 24

    Let them first pass that civic integration course in Thailand will not be easy

  4. Gerrit says up
    15 November 2015 at 10: 57

    He has to keep them very short, and let them work themselves if she wants to sponsor her family, who will it be

  5. ton says up
    15 November 2015 at 11: 19

    Goodmorning everybody.

    So I see the envy of bar girls here almost every day
    I can tell you that I can point out at least 10 bargirls here in Europe who are very happy
    and seized the opportunity to start a new life.
    Coincidentally, all these ladies are from a friend of mine's bar.
    You should first give them a chance to show who they really are.
    I think Willy's story is more of a panic attack.
    This week I saw a story here of a man who is not so good on his feet and still wants a Thai woman,,, everyone advises against a relationship desk (me too) but I do see that suddenly a lot of guys have their sister-in-law offer pppffff wonder who the real gold diggers are.
    So what I'm saying is there's nothing wrong with being a bargirl

  6. Gerard says up
    15 November 2015 at 11: 26

    Unfortunately he is not the first..nor the last.
    No.. this one is different.. a frequently heard statement.. unfortunately it often turns out differently.
    Unfortunately there's not much you can do about it...love is blind...
    Think of it as a (expensive or not) life lesson for him..however difficult.
    I went through the same thing.. couldn't talk about it..he has become wiser through trial and error.

  7. adrie says up
    15 November 2015 at 11: 45

    Are there any positive stories where it went well? Anxiety is very good, but give someone the benefit of the doubt. And the integration course will not be easy.

  8. Keith 2 says up
    15 November 2015 at 11: 57

    Love makes blind..
    Has he taken a good look at the mother so that he knows what his wife will look like in 20-30 years?
    1000 and available young(er) girls without child.

  9. Bjorn says up
    15 November 2015 at 11: 59

    It can go 2 ways.
    How do you know she's been to Europe before? Your son's or is that the well-known Dutch prejudices.

    A lot of bargirls are just looking for a better life. Of course there are many with a twisted character, but isn't that the same in the local disco in the Netherlands?

    They slept with several men. That will also be correct, but is the girl you meet in the local disco always a virgin? Or was she also in bed with 3 different men the past 3 Saturdays.

    I personally think it's best, no matter how hard, to let your son live his own life and make his own mistakes.

    That's how I learned it and finally I married a Thai. Dear, loyal people who don't really deserve to be so prejudiced.

    Success and strength.

  10. Ronny Cha Am says up
    15 November 2015 at 12: 08

    First of all, bargirls are mostly ordinary sweet girls who seize the chance for a better future. Their job they do now is one they don't like to do, but the chances are very good that they will find a nice man and that they have to move abroad for this does not matter.
    And don't worry, also in the Netherlands and Belgium there are women who, just like some barladies, can enrich themselves in a handy way... everywhere in the world love is blind!!!
    Give him the chance, let your son be lucky, if he keeps his wits about him, this can be a beautiful love.

  11. Jacques says up
    15 November 2015 at 13: 15

    If I read the introductory text like this, people are already well aware of this woman and therefore prepared. Or is it prejudice. There are women dyed in the wool who will not change their attitude and little can be expected from that, other than misery. There are also those who can and want to live a different life. This certainly depends on the partner in question, how does he treat her and her child if they come along. Most Thai women are hard workers and good for their families. It's a trade-off. If she chooses to work in prostitution in the Netherlands, or in so-called massage parlors, that would be a step too far for me, you don't enter into a permanent loving relationship for that. If she starts working in the hospitality industry, or chooses another common profession, this is only recommended. You can both benefit from that. Incidentally, upon arrival in the Netherlands on an MVV basis and with an integration diploma in her pocket, she cannot immediately start working. She will first have to obtain a residence permit, which usually takes a number of months, given how busy the IND is.
    There is a cohabitation obligation and there must be a demonstrable empathic relationship. So there must be a loving relationship. (Is something different than having compulsory sex).
    The future will show whether this relationship is sustainable and meets all requirements.
    I wish the couple well, but it is important for the young man to keep his eyes open and to
    see what needs to be seen. There have been many examples where the Thai partner secretly couldn't resist what the daylight couldn't bear and was ultimately disastrous for the relationship.

    • Rob V says up
      15 November 2015 at 13: 54

      I read here, in the reader's question and other responses, small misunderstandings. A Thai or other MVV (Authorization for Provisional Residence, a Schengen type 'D' entry visa) foreign national who is obliged to go through the TEV (Access and Residence) procedure. Various assessment requirements apply to the TEV for sponsor (the Dutch partner) and foreign national (the Thai partner), including a 'sustainable income' requirement for the sponsor and an 'integration examination abroad' requirement for the foreign national. There must also be a 'durable and exclusive relationship' (married or unmarried). The procedure can take up to 3 months. If the TEV is found to be positive, the MVV can be collected with which the foreign national can come to the Netherlands (possibly via other Schengen countries), after 2 weeks the VVR (Provisional Residence Permit Regular) is ready. A foreign national receives the same employment status as the sponsor, if the sponsor is allowed to work without a work permit, the foreign national is also allowed to do this. A Thai with a Dutch partner therefore has a 'stay with partner, work permit not required' pass. The Thai may therefore work immediately upon arrival, although most employers will want to show the VVR pass, which will take 2 weeks.

      Previously (before 1 July 2013) MVV and VVR were separate and one had to go through the MVV procedure (max 3 months) and after arrival the VVR procedure. That tested exactly the same things and was actually a formality that unfortunately could also take 3 months, but was sometimes also arranged on site at an IND counter within half an hour. The well-known IND arbitrariness (throughput times differ to this day between 1 day and more than 3 months or even longer, count on 2-3 months as a standard).

      Ontopic to the questioner: let that son find out for himself how things go. A warning may be given, but I assume this young man is not incapable of trading. If he is unlucky he will lose a lot (everything?), if he is lucky he will have a treasure of a woman. If there are striking holes (lies) in her story, you could address them, but it is really he who, as adults, has to let his heart and mind speak. We don't have a crystal ball, so no one can give the outcome of the relationship with certainty. Let them go, after expressing your concern, don't force anything and be there for each other. Time will then tell who was right.

      • Jacques says up
        15 November 2015 at 15: 27

        Thanks for the complement Rob,
        I see that my knowledge is already outdated and apparently the VVR is now issued quickly, so that the newcomer can start working almost immediately after arrival. I'm glad about that because in the past it was always a bad point for the people in question. Many foreign men had problems with this, because they could work, but without a VVR they were usually not appointed by the employer, due to possible fines issued by the labor inspectorate during workplace inspections.
        I thought that the sustainable income of the sponsor should contain 120% of the minimum wage.
        Unless you prefer the Belgium route, then all those excessive rules do not apply. But yes, there are other negative sides to that that you really shouldn't want to undergo in my opinion.

  12. Gerardus Hartman says up
    15 November 2015 at 13: 30

    Tendentious and negative approach of one Willy as a mother who apparently considers her son's property as her own. A post with negative assumptions with no real knowledge of this girl's past. It is the choice of the adult man who wants and is allowed to determine his own future. Many "bargirls" are working professionally as a child for which the Thai father does not pay for it. A considerable part of these girls, given the resulting happy marriages with farang, do have a good heart and are not looking to enrich themselves but the marriage if they start updating themselves in a normal job. If they were to work in the bar here within the first ten years, they would not receive a permanent residence status and would have to return. Dutch girls as virgins when proposing as a future daughter-in-law is unique with many having a rich history of relationships. Dutch girls and exes are known to many as greedy who seek material gain in marriage and after marriage.

  13. bona says up
    15 November 2015 at 14: 19

    Why should a lady who works in a bar necessarily be worse than all the ladies who are, so to speak, found in the countryside, often through some dating site?
    Perhaps it would be appropriate to get acquainted with the person in question first, and then pass judgment??
    Many have already fallen into the trap of the so-called "honest" ladies, and many are delighted with their so-called "barlady"
    Get to know the person first, then judge.

  14. Colin de Jong says up
    15 November 2015 at 14: 24

    Give that kid the benefit of the doubt. There is a good chance that things will go wrong, but I also had a heavy coffee with Ned 4 times. ladies. And once in love there is no stopping it, so don't waste energy unnecessarily. 90% had to pay tuition fees. That's part of life and it makes you stronger

    • Sir Charles says up
      15 November 2015 at 15: 47

      Indeed, give her the benefit of the doubt, but when a man has had 4 failed relationships with Dutch ladies, then it can also be concluded that the failures were not only due to the ladies, but also to him ...

  15. kees1 says up
    15 November 2015 at 15: 17

    Dear Willy
    You know she's had multiple moons that she's been to multiple countries.
    Then I assume she told your son. how else would you know
    Then I think if she meant to be angry she wouldn't have told me.
    Then her honesty is commendable.
    That she works in a bar, she does that to support her child and family, that is also praiseworthy
    It is quite normal for Thai children to support their families, this happens worldwide
    Many Bloggers think it is typically Thai. Nothing is less true
    There is nothing wrong with the (most) girls from the bar. I just went for it
    Don't be guided by only negative or weird reactions.
    At number 1 is the reaction of Kees 2 if you already enter into a relationship.
    You should first see what she will look like in 30 years. You can see that when you look at her mother
    Thus Kees 2. That way you learn something. If her mother didn't look forward to all those years
    Toiling in the rice fields. Yes, then you understand that a barmaid is not for you

    Good luck Regards Kees 1

  16. jhvd says up
    15 November 2015 at 15: 38

    Dear Bona,

    It sounds familiar, I get it, but it's going to cost a lot of money.
    I will briefly describe my own experience above.
    This costs approximately € 20.000,00. ( believe me ).

    get well soon

    best regards,

  17. Jes says up
    15 November 2015 at 17: 28

    I would let him have his way and that you know better?? Do you know her?
    Fortunately, when I was 18, my parents also let me have my way and did not express any prejudices in advance. Otherwise I would not have accepted that then and would have been angry with them for years. If my divorced parents have a new partner that I don't like, you give them a chance too and if they are happy who are you. Same in reverse.

    Now 10 years with my thai barmaid and very happy with her. Also glad that I didn't listen to other people who thought the same as you and turned out to be none of the truth.

  18. John Chiang Rai says up
    15 November 2015 at 17: 38

    There are certainly exceptions, but most relationships that arise between a Farang and a Thai woman originate in the so-called nightlife. Even with a relationship that arises through a dating site or another environment, there is no guarantee that the woman in question has never worked in the nightlife. I don't want to generalize, but many stories of Farangs supposedly meeting their partner elsewhere serve as self-defense, as many are understandably reluctant to admit that they met their spouse in a bar or massage parlour. That such a female now tries to support her family from Europe is only understandable, and indicates that she has received an education in this point, and not like many in our Western culture who are selfish. Moreover, a past has nothing to do with whether a future marriage goes well or not well. Those people from so-called “Better Houses”, who are often full of prejudices, would do better to turn around in front of their own house door, and to remember that in their circles every 2nd marriage also ends up over time.

  19. theos says up
    16 November 2015 at 01: 28

    Married to a Patpong bargirl for over 30 (thirty) years. Also had a daughter, I also took care of. Together we have a son and daughter, now adults. Why is a bargirl worse? Give a good reason. She was not the first for me either. As an old sailor, in every town a different sweetheart.


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