Reader question: Do I love my (Thai) girlfriend enough?
Rick (not his real name) struggles with his feelings for his girlfriend. He wonders: do I love her enough?
Rick came into contact with her in 2010 because his internet date failed. In the beginning everything was rose scent and moonshine. His girlfriend has now been to the Netherlands twice; Rick's family is charmed by her.
But now the doubt gnaws. There are quite a few things about her that don't make him feel good. His girlfriend has two daughters. One she has not seen for two years, the other sometimes comes to her during the school holidays. She scolds that poor child all day long and sometimes hits her too.
Rick also knows that she is still married to an Australian, who has never looked after her, and she has lived in the US, but she does not talk about that. And there's more that bothers Rick and he doesn't understand, causing his affection to wane.
Rick's girlfriend now wants to come to the Netherlands for the third time, but Rick doubts whether he will like it. He doesn't complain about the sex and he doesn't complain about the money he sends his girlfriend.
Rick would like to know from others if they also sometimes doubt their own feelings for their girlfriend.
That is why Thailandblog submits the reader's question: Do I love my (Thai) girlfriend enough?
Well, what can you say to that?
So no
Once you ask yourself that question, it's obvious
If in doubt, I'd say stop
There are thousands of good and decent Thai ladies
Your girlfriend is also married to someone else
I would say with the information you provided
STOP
today!
Sex? oh man come on
you don't have to keep her on for sex
Stop it before it gets worse
that's my motto
suk6
you can call me email, I have a wealth of experience with Thai
is known to the editors
To ask the question is to answer it... You have no choice but to follow your feelings: what does your heart say? Follow that or there must be rational reasons not to (for example, if you might be misled or used as a money tree, ticket to “paradise Europe”). That's all I can say about it... Personally, I don't think it's a good start/continuation of a relationship if you have so many questions and doubts. But follow your heart, if your feeling says “I want to continue with this woman”, then do that. If the heart says “I don't know” then I would listen to that too, no matter how difficult that is.
There is only one person who can answer that and that is you, if you are willing to live with all her secrets and her past, then you have to make that decision all by yourself.
You will undoubtedly receive a lot of well-intentioned advice and many experiences will be presented to you, many self-experienced and many hearsay stories and many bad experiences, but also many experiences seen through the famous "pink glasses", but those it is best to take notice and follow your own feeling, because of all the advice and stories you can no longer see the wood for the trees.
It is sometimes said that love is blind, also deaf and retarded by the way, but usually you make the right decision yourself and everyone sometimes doubts about his / her feelings, but that you doubt her coming here and whether you do starting to like isn't really a good sign.
There is 1 advantage, if it is disappointing this (3rd) time, it will return automatically, since you do not let yourself be fooled with guarantees and such frills.
Good Luck and Regards,
Lex K.
Well, the statement about her daughters tells me enough. The rest doesn't mean much to me, there could be several explanations for that. But a bad relationship with the children (while contact is possible) is her own fault. cam with it. I only know women there who have a very good relationship with their daughters.
Dear (Rick)
How do you know if you love someone enough to spend the rest of your life with?
A question like this is almost impossible to answer, because the answer lies with the person asking the question.
You could also turn the question around. Does your girlfriend love you enough, enough to dispel or maybe confirm your doubts.
Love is blind, this money is not for you anyway, that is more applicable to someone who loves another, and has no eye for the less good sides of that person.
What strikes me is that your girlfriend has been very open to you by telling you that she is still married and has children, and maybe this is the answer to your question.
It bothers you (I quote you) that she has children and is still married and sometimes hits her child, I think you love her enough but you have not been able to express yourself well in this, and you want to move forward in your relationship .
If you yourself have the feeling that this relationship will not yield you anything, then you have to draw your own plan and make choices, if you do not do that, you will put yourself in a powerless position.
If you are dissatisfied, irritated or annoyed you have less space to see the other person as they are.
Set conditions for your relationship and make your own needs and boundaries clear, communication between partners is so important.
Level
If I were Rick I would forget this lady as soon as possible, can save him a lot of misery
hello dick.
Someone who treats their own child(ren) like old garbage is at the top of my list of people that I avoid with a wide berth. Caps today.
hello Rick,
In every country, starting a relationship with a woman is a mix of emotion (primarily) and reason. No matter how much you love someone, you also need to work your brain (sometimes). Every man has to make some sort of list of what things are important to him in a relationship. Do I want to know everything about her (past), how important is money to her and to me, her education, whether or not she has a job (or wants to look for one), whether or not she/I wants to get officially married, how she deals with the children from a previous marriage, how often she has been married, does she want to leave Thailand or not, do I want to live in Thailand or not, etc. etc.
I can add to the list with more things, you have to determine the priorities yourself.
I think you (just as I have in the past) are hesitating because you feel you have different priorities than they do. There is no other solution than to talk to her about the things that are bothering you, not once but perhaps several times.
And if that doesn't lead to the emotional and rational outcome you want, it's better to end the relationship before you put yourself and her at risk. I have done in the past too. Better half turned than completely gone astray.
Chris
Join me in previous comments. Someone who cannot love his child(ren) cannot love a partner either. Such a lady is a ticking time bomb.
Dear Kuhn Peter,
Don't judge before you really know the ins and outs. The article suggests that the two daughters are already grown up. There are probably reasons why the Thai woman doesn't get along very well with them or doesn't see them often. Could be due to the Thai mother, could also be due to the children (they are no good, have the wrong friends, do illegal things, are on drugs or alcohol, work in a karaoke bar), can also be due to the ex- husband (incites the daughters against the mother, abused them) or to the ex-in-laws. That the Dutch family is so charmed by the Thai woman says something. After all, we Dutch are not crazy and have a 'healthy' distrust of Thai women. At least she managed to overcome that.
chris
Don't agree with you. Even if a child is not good, you can love your child. You disapprove of your child's behavior, but never the person.
Now I stop otherwise we are chatting and I get the moderator on my neck.
The article suggests that the daughters are already adults? Sorry, but I read that one of the daughters is coming during the school holidays. So I don't think it's about an adult daughter.
Dear Chris
I could immediately fully agree with the opening words of your response “do not judge until you can do so with full knowledge of the facts”.
You can hardly ever obtain full knowledge of the facts, and here the questioner himself indicates that it is mainly the lack of information (her relational/emotional past) that makes him doubt.
In addition, you state that the problem statement insinuates that the children are adults. That seems unlikely to me: if adult, independent children come to visit you, you may still be able to call them names, the fact that you repeatedly hit them (or otherwise physically attack them) seems much less likely to me.
Finally, this consideration: we are dealing here purely with feelings, feelings that are ALSO fed from reason. But they remain feelings that can therefore possibly be enormously distorted. But, distorted or not, they remain defining feelings for the person in question. Feelings that will naturally determine the quality of his relationship to a significant extent.
Therefore: follow your own heart (and intuition) in this case…
rick,
Every sane person sometimes doubts himself, about the choices he/she has made (will make). Also whether his partner loves him and vice versa. It indicates that you are thinking about the things in life. Nothing wrong with it.
All the (no doubt well-intentioned) advice here is worthless. Mine too. We don't know your situation and in fact, we don't know your girlfriend either. It's easy to judge a woman who beats her children. Is that a corrective slap or is it serious physical abuse (which of course IS wrong). How often are you with her in Thailand? Constantly or (very) occasionally? Maybe she's ashamed of her children who are annoying and maybe also doesn't understand why mom suddenly has all the attention for that strange white gentleman and not, as usual, for them. Children can manipulate like the best.
You'll have to talk to her. Maybe she's not the right one for you. Perhaps you are about to throw away the best in your life over a trifle. What do you look for in a woman? Does she answer that? Talk to her and tell her you don't like the way she treats her children. But please follow your own heart and mind and don't listen to advice from strangers who do that on an anonymous blog on the internet based on a few rules.
There is only one who can give the correct answer. And that is you yourself. Can you live with the fact that she is still married? But even worse can you live with a woman who is the mother of 2 daughters whom she never or rarely sees and who then also hits when she sees them? How can she love a man if she doesn't even love her own children. I myself would never want to live with such a woman. But like I said, you have to make your own choice.
See, I thought so. You secretly read the dragonfly. Swap with the Viva?
rick,
Just a piece of advice; fuses! It can almost only get worse!
I myself was “adorned” in a not quite ordinary way about 12 years ago with a girlfriend, of whom I only realized much later that there were many things that made it clear that we did not belong together. It was actually a good thing that she found a new “partner” after a good year.
Martien
Moderator: Such generalizing statements are not allowed under our House Rules.
Follow your heart , and you will make the right decision regardless of all the comments .
Success!
Funny all those well-intentioned advice, but… one thing. Rick does not ask you for advice but for an honest answer to his question and that is, ” Rick would like to know from others, that is you forum visitors, do you ever doubt your OWN FEELINGS FOR YOUR FRIEND or Wife Seems like a very simple question but when I read the answers, then in most cases READ CAREFULLY FIRST.
It must be due to my - lack of - reading skills, Yuundai, but I still think I perceive the following reader's question above: "That is why Thailandblog submits the reader's question: Do I love my (Thai) girlfriend enough?"
Dear Yuundai,
I read the editor's question in the context of Rick's outlined situation (if that question has not already been asked out of curiosity. It is very interesting in itself!) With that I indicate that I have read the question very well, but I will does not elaborate on its verbatim and literal meaning, because Rick's story does not lend itself to that. It is about acquaintance and doubt, and whether there can be a friendship relationship that can further develop into a love relationship. So I answer in a figurative, contemplative sense.
But: what do you notice? You point our blog readers to something that you do not do yourself. You are talking about: “you forum visitors”. Aren't you yourself then? To watch, not to participate?
M curious!
Regards, Ruud
@Yuundai, you're right, but I think "Rick" is also a bit embarrassed about what TB readers think of his situation now. I believe we all have a day when things are not going well with our relationship, but the situation Rick is in is quite extreme and we read in his message, between the lines, the question whether he is now would do well to continue this relationship. Many here, including me, say "cut down" the alarm bells are deafening. I don't think it's the editor's intention that we all throw our wives/girlfriends into the group here.
Dear Rick,
It is often the case that if you ask yourself such a question, doubt has struck. Only you know what that doubt is based on. You indicate that there are “more things that bother you and don't understand”.
In situations like this I think you let reason prevail over feeling. After all: otherwise the question would not have been necessary, and the same would not have come up.
In the most favorable circumstances it is (virtually) impossible to aspire to a serious love relationship with a married woman. Especially not if extra complicating is that contact is limited because she lives in Thailand. (For the record, I assume she has honorable intentions.)
To date, she has visited the Netherlands twice for a visa period, and I assume that you were on holiday with her in Thailand. You could see it as a strong signal that you now feel insecure about a possible 2rd introductory round.
If there is also a language barrier between the two of you, an additional problem arises, after all: how do you explain to the other what you have on your heart, soul and liver without directly damaging the friendship relationship?
What bothers me is that, apart from no contact with her husband, she also has little or no contact with her two daughters. Doesn't that say something about how she maintains (her) dear relationships?! This is also evident from the fact that she scolds a daughter all day long, who is even only with her during school holidays, and sometimes also hits this daughter. These are not normal family circumstances for Thai standards either, and this says something about her character. In the Netherlands, this behavior constantly rubs against domestic violence.
And why is she still married to that Australian? She knew before 2010 that she wanted someone else, didn't she?
I wish you much wisdom, which already comes from reason.
Regards, Ruud
Doubts, sure.
This is difficult, especially if you don't see each other every day and there are also 10.000 km in between. You have to put in a lot of effort, travel back and forth a lot and it's a lot of hassle. You have everything against when you start a relationship with a Thai, the distance, the fact that in the Netherlands you are looked at strangely if you go with a Thai, the prejudices and clichés, language barriers, cultural difference, huge income difference and you name it all . It not only puts a lot of stress on yourself but also on her.
I think anyone in their right mind would doubt it at some point. It would all be a lot easier if it was the girl next door, so to speak. But when I'm back there it's all right again and you know what you're doing it for.
Furthermore, there always comes a time when your relationship becomes 'normal' and the worst sparks are lost, but that's always the case I think.