Reader question: Emigrating and missing your (grand)children?

It's THE reason I'm NOT moving to Thailand.

Dear Koen, emigration is no longer the emigration of years ago when aunt Truus and uncle Jan moved to Canada and you never saw them again.
More and more emigrants living in Thailand regularly visit family in their home country.
If you search a bit, you can even book a ticket for € 400 in the low season and you will be standing with your grandchild in your arms after 12 hours.

Koen,

As you say yourself, it's personal.
I myself have no regrets after 10 years of Thailand. Previously – my 2 children lived in Amsterdam and I lived in East Brabant – appointments had to be made well in advance (think of 2-3 weeks). Busy busy busy.

And when I came to visit, I already had to bring a serious amount to park my car for a few hours.

Nowadays with the modern means I see and speak to my daughters and grandchildren weekly and sometimes more often. In addition, I go to the Netherlands 1-2 x a year.

It works fine for everyone involved.

It is usually not just the grandchildren, also the circle of friends, habits, certainties and a familiar environment, make way for a completely different life during an immigration.
All things that played a very important role for me personally not to burn all the ships behind me.
As long as I stay healthy and can afford it financially, I prefer to choose the so-called 50/50 system.
A system where I visit friends and family during the winter time in Thailand, while I do the same with friends and family in Europe during the summer time.
In Thailand we have a house with minimal costs compared to Europe, and during the summer time an Apartment in Europe where we do not have to worry about a garden, and other major worries, so that we can close the door behind us at any moment, and whether necessary still be able to enjoy, among other things, health care and other social legislation, which we have worked hard for all our lives, and which I would lose with a complete emigration to Thailand.

When I emigrated, I left behind two sons aged 40 and 37 with their partners in the Netherlands. Also many other relatives and friends and acquaintances. Former colleagues with whom I had a good relationship and you name it. You come across as a concerned and sensitive person to me and that is nice to read. You will run into problems in my opinion. It is not nothing that you are going to undertake and everyone does their part with it. I followed my girlfriend who has Thai and Dutch nationality and had lived together with me in the Netherlands for 17 years. She wanted to return to Thailand in her old age and it was clear to her that her departure was a priority. My girlfriend had preceded me a number of years and we had already arranged a house in Thailand where she stayed. The costs preceded the benefits and now we have many bills to pay, because yes living or living in Thailand is two. In other words, I can stay there, but I must have the necessary luxury, otherwise it will not be for me. The love for her made me decide to retire early and make the switch. I already knew Thailand from many years of holiday accommodation, but staying there permanently turned out to be of a different order. Much of what lives and plays in this country disgusts me. Now after four years there is some resignation, but some things will not leave my system. I know myself that well. The loss of the children, family and friends is certainly there. You do have communication options, but I notice that I don't use them often and the family members and friends in the Netherlands don't do this often either. I've never been a caller either, I must say. In the first year, certainly e-mails and internet calls, Skype and facetime calls, but it quickly decreases and is actually understandable. My children were not happy with my departure and it was hard to say goodbye. My family is not burdened with lying money and I have to make do with pension and she with what is earned. So not a lot of money and difficult enough to get by in Thailand. Traveling is actually not an option, because then you have to save and then other things cannot be done. After four years I am going back to the Netherlands for a few weeks and I am very much looking forward to this. So I was able to save enough, but it was not easy. Sounds from the Netherlands are also positive about my arrival and I have to go to many acquaintances and family. The nicest and best thing in my opinion is to stay in Thailand for eight months and the Netherlands for four months, so that you can maintain medical expenses and remain registered, but that must of course be financially feasible, which is not the case with me. Then there is a lot of time to keep in touch with children and others and then you will not be treated as a second-class Dutch person. I am surrounded by my girlfriend, her family, housekeepers and market workers and many Thai and some foreign acquaintances and so I am not alone, but lonely at times. With every advantage, I am with my loved one, there is a disadvantage, namely missing other loved ones. So my advice is know yourself and if you can afford it don't immediately burn all the ships behind you and take the steps thoughtfully. Ultimately, time will tell us whether we made the right choices.

My first wife and I have been divorced twice. She gave me 2 daughters and 1 son. I have always been able to keep in touch with this woman. Unfortunately she died of a serious stroke 5 years ago.
In 1978 I emigrated to Hong Kong with my second wife and our 18-month-old daughter and her 12-year-old daughter to continue my trade of lingerie and sleepwear production.
My youngest son was born in Hong Kong. So I had 5 children in total. That was enough for me and that was it.
I traveled a lot; twice a year to Europe where Germany was my main sales market, monthly to China where I started outsourcing production in 1982, monthly to Manila where I started the production of jogging suits with a local entrepreneur and then further the sourcing trips for new materials and designs to Japan, South Korea and Indonesia. Of course, when I went to Europe I always stayed in the Netherlands for a short or longer period of time to see my parents, sister and brother-in-law and my children from my first marriage.
My wife started playing tricks on her own and she then decided to assist the customers at the check-in desk at KLM as a staff member. She had meanwhile sent her daughter back to her sister in the Netherlands because she caused her mother too much trouble in her teens. The 2 little ones were taken care of by our domestic helper.
To no avail and I was shocked when she offered me a divorce which I refused. That happened again after a while and again I said I didn't want that. What turned out to be against her was that I accompanied clients who came to Hong Kong to the nightlife after drinks and snacks, where I naturally ran into friends and acquaintances. I used to hang around for a while to remind the customers what to look out for after I went home. I made sure to never get home later than 01.30:XNUMX am. The next day a client often arrived late at my office and usually started complaining about the expensive evening they had spent.
When my wife said she wanted to divorce for the third time, I said yes… Unfortunately, it turned out that she had already prepared everything in the Netherlands, so I quickly set things in motion in Hong Kong to avoid the risk of traveling back and forth to the Netherlands. Nevertheless, the legal costs were enormous. In 1996 we separated and she returned very well to the Netherlands where my youngest daughter went to college and my youngest son went to the international school in Eerde. All the children were sad and also my eldest who had not gotten along well with my second wife. They were worried about dad and wanted me to come to the Netherlands too.
In hindsight, I had made a mistake in saying that I would retire at 55. But when that age approached, I said I definitely didn't want to stop.
I moved into a small flat and thought I'd get over it and recoup the damage.
But East Asian crisis threw a spanner in the works and almost sawed the legs out from under my chair, which worried all my children. In 1995 I had invested in a restaurant. That went well so more were opened and also a sports bar and a copy of a typical Shanghai bar.
Circumstances forced us to fire the MD and then I was asked to take over in July 1999 and I accepted.
During Easter in 2000, I met my current Thai wife at a birthday party in Pattaya. My children didn't like it because dad had already had an adventure with a Filipino.
It was already clear to me that I wanted to stay in Asia, which the children came to understand and reluctantly accepted. I decided to go to my house on Jomtien Beach for 2 weeks every few months to find out if life here would also suit me as a non-holidaymaker. In December 2000 I told my wife to move into my home and continued to go to Jomtien every few months. I promised to move her to Thailand as soon as possible. My second daughter had already visited me in 1999 with her two children (my eldest grandchildren) in both Hong Kong and Thailand. She had instantly fallen in love with Pattaya and Jomtien. In 2002 I still did not manage to settle permanently in Thailand. My second daughter announced that she would be coming back to Jomtien with her husband from the end of May to about June 10 and to expect me to be there too. Then the plan arose to marry Bhudist and so happened on June 1, 2002 in a village in Isan, which my daughter thought was a great experience.
After appointing 2 senior managers and teaching me how I wanted things to be run, I finally thought about moving. In March 2003 I moved to Thailand permanently. From then on I went to Hong Kong for a week almost every month for the F & B business. I managed to do that until the end of 2016. My 5 children gave birth to 9 grandchildren from which 4 great-grandchildren have emerged.
I have of course been to the Netherlands regularly since 2003 (the last time last June) also a few times with my wife. Conversely, all children are. grandchildren and great-grandchildren come to visit us; sometimes as a family and then we sleep with us and sometimes en masse and then the stuff goes to a hotel. I thoroughly enjoy it every time I am with them in the Netherlands or when they are here. At the beginning of August, my youngest daughter and husband will come to stay with us for more than 3 weeks with their 2 children. My wife and I are already making plans for the children of what they will like to visit, etc. It will be fun again.
Unfortunately, I am now at an age where the legs are not working so well and I get tired quickly. That is why I unfortunately no longer see traveling to the Netherlands. The children are already talking about my 85th birthday, but that will take another 3 years! Last June, my tallest friend from Kassel drove to Soest with his wife and promised me if I came to the Netherlands again this year, he would of course visit me again, but also that he would be in Thailand on my 85th birthday. He is a year younger than me. He passed away last March after a serious short-term illness.

Dear Koen,

I don't think it's an odd question. I'm on the other side of that question myself. I really want to emigrate but find it very difficult towards my mother, the grandmother of my 3-year-old daughter. She comes by almost every day and they love each other. I don't want to take that away from them. This sounds very harsh, but if my mother was not here (anymore), I would have been abroad for a long time…
Good luck with making this decision.

Esther

Dear Koen, Your children are 19 and 21 years old, so they are still young, and if you are already considering emigrating to Thailand, you would do well to postpone that decision. Is it their age that you're worrying about, or the fact that they're not settled yet, and actually still need you badly? Are you afraid that they will blame you for leaving them alone, worse: for abandoning them? Please note: you will have ditto doubts whether you have done the right thing when grandchildren will be born in due course. Also remember that you have had your children to form a family and to be able to experience later that you have a close family.
Do not consider leaving for Thailand until your departure has been thoroughly discussed and accepted, and try to find a solution in which your children also have a voice. In short: a decision to emigrate to Thailand is of greater quality if you take it together, and your (grand) children are part of it. In the other case, unwanted and unintentional estrangement will occur, unless the financial resources are so large that both you and your children can visit each other several times. But I don't think the latter is the case, otherwise you wouldn't have asked the question.
At the moment I am back in the Netherlands and we will go again at the end of the year. But we always involved our Dutch and Thai children in our plans, and are now mutually welcome together.