Meeting your Thai girlfriend's parents: serious business!
The cultural differences between Thailand and the West are very large. It is therefore important to immerse yourself in Thai culture. Things that are apparently unimportant to us can have a lot of impact in Thailand. An example is presenting a farang to the parents of a Thai woman.
In the West, bringing a boyfriend or girlfriend home means no more than a performance ritual. Of course the parents are curious with which lady, son Kees is choosing, but they do not immediately draw any conclusions. Nor do they expect that the lady in question will almost certainly be the future mother of his children. After all, Kees will wear out a few girlfriends before he takes that step.
Important step
Things are different in Thailand. Introducing a friend to the parents is an important step in the life of a Thai woman. In fact, they are saying that they have serious intentions with you and possibly want to marry you. Don't be scared right away (many men get a mild panic attack when reading the word 'marriage').
A Thai woman will never 'just' take you to the family. She introduces you because she wants to say, "This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with."
The fact that she is bringing a farang to the village is known weeks in advance. All villagers, friends and relatives look forward to the arrival of the farang. It is an important social event in the small and close-knit rural community.
Approved and weighed
A Thai woman herself is rather light-hearted about introducing herself to her parents. Sometimes she just says she wants to take you to Isaan and her native village. She will not tell you that you are being 'checked and weighed'. It is also difficult to predict when she will ask you this. Some Thai women do this after a few days, others need more time. If she doesn't ask you to come to Isaan, that's also an important message.
When you hang out with a Thai woman for a while and she asks you out did not to visit her family it could mean three things:
- She doesn't like/like/wealthy enough to meet her parents and siblings.
- She has already brought a farang to her village several times and she has reached the maximum number.
- She has a boyfriend, who is also well known in the village.
I will briefly explain the second reason. When a Thai woman brings a 'boyfriend', the village fanfare does its job. Everyone knows. But there is a limit to the number of boyfriends a Thai woman can introduce to her family. For example, if more than two or three farang are taken in a period of say two years, she will be recorded as a 'cheap' woman. Both she and her family then suffer a serious loss of face.
Sometimes she gets away with lying about why she brought so many friends to the village. She can say that the first one was unlucky and died of an illness or died in a traffic accident. The second had no more money and was not a good man for her or she found out that he was already married. But coming up with these kinds of stories also has its limits and the neighbors will realize that she is making excuses.
So if she has already brought three farang friends to her village before, the head of the family will not be eager for the fourth farang. She will be told not to bring a farang again.
End the relationship
In case she doesn't ask you to join her family, it might be better to end the relationship. Why? Because something isn't right. You may wonder why the three farang didn't work out for you. Maybe it's just money or it's a lady with a big head of hair on her teeth.
There could be another reason why she's hesitant to ask you out. Most girls out Isaan are poor and live very primitive. She may be ashamed of the shabby accommodation her family lives in. If that's the case and she has serious intentions towards you, she'll tell you. Then reassure her and let her know that you don't care and that everyone, rich or poor, is equal.
Another less pleasant reason is that she already has a boyfriend and brought it to her family. Well, then I don't have to tell you that a long-term relationship with her is not a wise choice.
Please respect her parents
Another type. The parents of a Thai woman are very important. Always be polite and memorize some Thai words such as greeting and "thank you" in Thai. There will certainly be food when you arrive. This is also an important social event. So always eat with the family, even if you don't like it. Then take a look. Make sure you are neatly and neatly dressed. Always take off your shoes when entering her family's home. Treat her parents and any grandparents with respect.
Be a gentleman
A Thai woman takes quite a risk when she introduces you to the family. If you end the relationship soon after, it will have unpleasant consequences for her. The village gossip begins. They will say that she has not been a good wife to you and that is why you do not want to take care of her. It will therefore become increasingly difficult for her to find a suitable partner. In short, a loss of face for her and her family.
If she asks you about Isaan, but you have no serious intentions with her, be a gentleman. Without hurting her feelings, try to make it clear that you want to have a good time with her. But that no relationship can come out of it. This will prevent her from getting into trouble sooner or later. If you're honest about that, because you can respect her and don't want to hurt her feelings, then you're a guy cut out of the right cloth.
How CAN you put it into words.
Awesome.
Have fully experienced the positive variant and to the full satisfaction of everyone.
KhunBram.
Almost 10 years of intense happiness with my loved ones in Isaan.
16 years ago my girlfriend went to introduce me to her parents because we want to get married.
When they arrived in Kalasin they thought I was from another planet, especially after visiting a music festival in the village that same evening.
Soon they all came to say hello to me for a beer and the kids for 20 bath.
Nice period, I'm glad I've experienced it all and stayed in Thailand for 10 years.
Divorced in the meantime, and donated nice pennies …. (House, business, car and some motobikes.)
But now enjoy 2 months in paradise every year.
Enjoyment is still what you like yourself.
This summary is exactly as it is, nothing really to add!
Well written and not exaggerated!
Great piece. My experience is the same. More stories like this please, so that policymakers in the Netherlands can get a better picture of the standards in Thailand and perhaps make it a little easier to give your wife a few weeks without the obligation of an (for us) almost impossible to obtain to be able to take a Schengen visa with you to the Netherlands so that you can meet your family in the Netherlands.
Dear Korat, almost impossible? some 95-98% of Schengen visas are approved. At the embassy and at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, they also know quite well how things are done elsewhere in terms of regulations, customs, culture and so on.
The article itself is quite decent if it is a stereotypical simplification. Not every family is the same and of course times change in Thailand. How many Thai only come after completing all their educations with the first partner (man, woman, Thai or foreigner)? It is of course about whether you don't arrive with the umpteenth lover in too short a time. In the Netherlands, eyebrows also raise if you come along with someone else, I think. In Thailand, that bar is somewhere else, but it's not another planet. Just common sense, respect and the realization that things are sometimes slightly different elsewhere will go a long way.
- https://www.thailandblog.nl/visum-kort-verblijf/afgifte-van-schengenvisums-in-thailand-onder-de-loep-2017/
You can also read this and much more in the book “Thai Fever”, which is a translation of “Thai Fever”:
https://thailandfever.com/boek_intro.html
It is a very good idea to bring attention to this topic. Many will undoubtedly learn a lot of useful things from this and avoid misunderstandings.
I own the book myself and have already read it with my wife.
I would recommend it to everyone!
Regards,
Daniel M.
Thanks for the tip! I immediately ordered the book.
My girlfriend and I – both 40 years old – are still unmarried after a relationship of almost two years. That seems against the sore leg of her conservative father, who would like to see us married. I have several reasons for not wanting to get married, including the sinsod, which according to my partner should be handed over, at least symbolically. In my opinion an old-fashioned use, but who am I.
For now, we'll just stay "faen" from each other. With my Dutch glasses I don't see why that is problematic.
Maybe you should confront your conservative father-in-law. There is also a role for your girl in this, or rather her task.
Her father wants her to get married (before the temple) and for you to take care of her (in his experience) and when push comes to shove, you should get the support of your girlfriend.
Also, if in-laws want to see money it also helps to note that (if she's ever had relationships before) she's second or third hand too. Sinsod is a game and don't let it drive you crazy because you also have a certain financial value 😉
Most Thais do not get married, so there is no ceremony and no sinsod involved. Fairy tales about marriage make no sense, see the practice in Thailand. And if someone does get married, after a while many people have a poea or mia noi. So much for the positive part. Don't talk about marriage avoids any conversation about it. In addition, Danzig and his partner are already 40, so it is not important to get married. Once again, the market value of an older man comes into play because he is over 40 and a woman and then starts a relationship in Thailand while the pond is full of young fish. Come on, as an older man in Thailand you don't have to be prescribed anything, unlike someone in your twenties, status and prestige also determine your influence in this regard and as an older teacher you don't have to be prescribed anything in this regard.
There is only 1 reason to get married and that is if your partner is a civil servant then the spouse is entitled to health insurance from the civil servant's family.
In itself a good piece, but why is the Isaan always mentioned in the text? Does the writer assume you meet your girlfriend in Pattaya? Thailand is bigger!
Agreed.
My girlfriend is from Yala and we both work in Narathiwat. In the troubled Muslim south yes, but to full satisfaction and far away from Isaan.
Cornelius,
Isaan often appears in the stories because the majority of the Farangs marry women from Isaan or enter into a relationship with someone from Isaan.
Also, Isaan is quite a large area.
The chance that you meet a Thai from the Islamic southern Thailand is very small.
You will also find it difficult to find Thai people from northern Thailand in the Netherlands.
I have not met them in the last 40 years and we have had many acquaintances, visited many Thai meetings at home and abroad.
I estimate in the Netherlands that about 70% also comes from Isaan.
The reason why should be obvious.
But not everyone from Isaan works in Pattaya either
Read Thai Fever, a unique account of the mysteries of different cultures, which is the key to a good relationship.
I thought that book was almost worthless. It is good to realize that there are differences between countries, individuals, families and so on. And that's why it's important to talk about what you feel and think and what your partner feels and thinks. Communication - and respect - is the key to a good relationship. If you need a handbook to explain that the stereotypical Dutch people react a little more this way and the stereotypical Thai react a little more that way (not to mention that the differences between Dutch and Thai people can vary enormously) then it will be a very tough job such a relationship.
The average Dutch person does not take his or her new acquisition with him after a few days to introduce it to mom and dad, but where exactly that moment is… will depend on all kinds of factors. That, on the whole, all this is slightly different in Thailand, but a completely different world with a different course of events? Nah. Unless the family of one is primal conservative and the other partner comes from a very free, open family or something.
This will be correct in part, but if I compare my different experiences with this, then it is actually not very correct.
My first experience. I am traveling with a Thai lady I know, both living in the Netherlands at the time, to Thailand for a 2-week holiday. I was aware she was in a relationship, not great, but still a relationship/living together. I was like the toyboy. Not a problem for me at the moment. I was a free boy. Right at the beginning of the holiday to her parents. Slept together there and continued the holiday together for a few days in different places. Me back to the Netherlands, she back home (near Udon Thani so Isaan) for another week. The family knew damn well that I was not the one she lived with in the Netherlands. But I have not noticed anything that is not described here. Just had some nice days. A little over a year later I saw on Facebook that she was visiting family with her relationship / Dutch partner. In the comments on the FB photos nothing of embarrassment or mean comments can be seen. Not from her, not from her FB friends.
Second experience. I met a lady in the Netherlands (then widow and 50 years old). After 3 meetings in the Netherlands she had to return for the simple fact that the 3 months were over (schengen visa). During my subsequent visit to Thailand, a few weeks later, I was invited to her parents' house. Yes, with the promise on my part that I meant it seriously and that I had the intention to marry her. And it was. I'm talking about August now. I then had the impression that she was really different like…..yes like who or what actually?? Simple people, a normal existence, not rich but not poor either. Anyway, I was very positive and satisfied. and we planned to get married in Thailand, before Buddha, at the end of that year. We did that too. (in retrospect really too fast) A small village between Lampang and Chang Rai. A seriously big party. A large number of monks (about 9 if I remember correctly!) Many guests, from far and wide. Paid a decent sinsod (mind you, a widowed woman of 50 years old!) and added some gold. In short. They are not ashamed and embarrassed in my opinion. Since I was, and still am, a Dutch resident in Germany...... no problem for her to immediately get a visa to live with me. Before we got married, she had already been with me in Germany for 6 weeks to get used to life here and of course to get to know each other better. The first year went well, but the second year everything was different. To keep it short. The marriage quickly ended. Took a total of 2 years. And guess what was the big problem? Correct ! Money. I would have to bite the bullet here and in Thailand holes would have to be closed. The sinsod had turned into a debt of 25.000 euros to her parents. The known problem. Gamble. Her parents' guilt also meant her guilt. Luckily I didn't go along with it. I saw on Facebook that after about a year she had already brought someone else (a German I think because she still lives in Germany) to the parental home. Not 1 photo……. no, also several family portraits with him on Facebook. So there wouldn't have been any shame, I think!!
Third experience. Yes, some never learn 🙂 ……. A week before a planned short holiday, met a lady through the site Date in Asia. Immediately invited to her home without having met her. A place near Uthai Thani / West Thailand, hardly any tourists to be seen there because there is nothing to see. In addition; mother of 2 teenage daughters, father of the children she had lived with for a number of years, one day simply ran away with someone else. It was a bit difficult at first, she told me, but she could now take care of herself and the children very well. Had a job that didn't take up much time, a nice car, normal house (where mother and sister also lived) and she spoke English very well. Stayed there for a week. Went great,…..with everything. I felt very comfortable and there was a very good click. Including going to church meetings with her and the rest of the family. Not my thing, but it is interesting to see that there are also Christians in Thailand and how they practice their faith. A big family having gatherings. I quickly indicated that I was serious about her, but that she had to be prepared to live in Europe. I mention this because from time to time she asked if I wanted to live in Thailand permanently. After this wonderful week, back to work in Germany. After 6 months we went back to her house / also her mother's (father is no longer alive) and stayed there. About 2 weeks. In between trips of a few days. Everything went well and pleasantly. Back in Germany, I tried to get her to come to Germany for a certain period of time with a Schengen Visa. Here I missed enthusiasm and real will on her part every time. That's why I ended the relationship. Of course there was some crying, but I was never blamed for putting her and the family in an embarrassing situation. And my dear Thailand experts, don't come up with the story that a Thai keeps that to himself. She has had an open and honest attitude towards me. Was open about her doubts about moving to Europe. She was also very open in her criticism of society in Thailand, especially Buddhism and the whole temple thing surrounding it.
Dear readers, please understand me correctly. What I want to indicate with this is the following. I think what I describe here could very well have taken place in the Netherlands, Belgium, Germany or any other country in Europe or beyond. It has all just happened in Thailand. In a span of about the last 8 years. So that's why I want to put a statement against this story described above. Meeting the parents of your Thai girlfriend often, but often not, goes according to the frameworks described above. Everything is possible, anywhere in Thailand. It looks like the normal world over there 🙂
Nice and candid story, Sjeng, thanks for sharing your experience. So you see: Thais are no more pigeonholed than we Europeans.
Cornelius,
Isn't it true that the Thai population knows ranks and positions and that people themselves place the population in boxes.
The hierarchical structures within family and company members are also very strong.
Even the address of the name shows a box structure.
Even the Language differs between high society and lower society.
Thanks for a good story, sjeng. I am always happy to hear experiences that deviate from the standard 'Thai' culture.
Tino,
I assume you met your wife because of your work in Thailand at an academic level.
I have also worked in Bangkok between and with academics.
There, too, our Thai female colleagues were interested in a Farang as a husband.
In practice, most Farangs do not meet their girlfriend at work in Thailand, but simply as a visitor to a holiday country during a holiday.
The opinions of some Dutch people about the "standard" Thai culture may therefore differ from what you experience as "standard" Thai culture.
I think it strongly depends on the situation in which you gain impressions and experiences.
I met my Thai wife in the Netherlands, somewhere in the mid-nineties. We got married in the Netherlands and moved to Thailand in 1999 where our son was born that year. She came from a simple family, her father was a village chief. We divorced in 2012 in all openness and kindness. I got custody of our son, we moved together to Chiang Mai where he attended an international school. He speaks fluent Thai, Dutch and English. I still have a good relationship with my ex and her family.
I attended extracurricular education in Thailand and I have a Thai primary and secondary school diploma. It's great to be in a class with all those different Thais, from young to old. My volunteer work took me to schools, temples and hospitals. I have been introduced to Thais from all classes and professions.
We lived in the North of Thailand, Chiang Kham, Phayao. I walked a lot in the mountainous areas there and visited the villages of all those other peoples.
Yes, there is a 'standard Thai culture' taught in books, schools, temples and the media. The reality is different and much more varied. Be open to all kinds of behaviour, be friendly and polite. Give your own opinion if necessary. No one (well, almost no one) blamed me for that. I often expressed dissenting opinions to monks, about women for example. If I disapproved of something, I said so too, but in a polite way. I was rarely blamed for that either, at most they sometimes laughed about it. something like 'do you have it again!' I thought that was funny.
A reasonable knowledge of the Thai language has often helped me. I see that as almost necessary to get to know Thailand better. Unfortunately, that knowledge is decreasing, now that I have been living in the Netherlands for 4 years, no longer read Thai newspapers, do not watch Thai television and rarely talk to a Thai person. My son refuses to speak Thai to me :). Weird, those Thais. Wait, he's Dutch too.
Strong and candid story, Sjeng…and you are certainly not the only one….
'The cultural differences between Thailand and the West are very large.'
When I read this story I think that it is not that different from the West at all. What would be different in the West? With me, guests also have to take off their shoes. My children also didn't bring all their many friends to introduce to mom and dad.
Well, and it's about 'villagers in Isaan' again. What do you do with a professor's daughter?
I don't think you need a lesson in culture at all in these matters. Discuss it with each other, that's enough. If you do blunder, everyone has to laugh and you apologize. All this talk of "major cultural" differences will only make you stiff and clumsy. Just stay polite.
The first time I visited my Thai parents-in-law everything went smoothly. I was immediately well accepted and we had a very nice time together. No problems encountered. I was so happy and also relieved. I had done everything right. But when saying goodbye, I made a big mistake in my enthusiasm and expression of kindness to her parents. I gave both her old parents a big hug. I thought to myself, they are going to really appreciate this. Her parents themselves said nothing and I think the farewell went smoothly. During the return trip to Bangkok, my wife wanted to talk to me about something. She said, at your farewell you did something that is not done in Thai culture. You should never touch older people, this is a sign of disrespect towards them. I was shocked and immediately apologized. But luckily my wife could laugh with it and my parents-in-law also understood that this can happen with a farang. Now I give a nice wai with every goodbye. One learns by doing. I often think back to it fondly.
With me it was exactly the other way around, first meeting with mother and while I tried to make something I get a big hug. Even when saying goodbye. Until today I do a short wai and then a good hug. I also think back on that with pleasure and that was also the moment when I realized 'those cultural handbooks are nice, but how things work in practice is really something else, those books exaggerate an ideal stereotype'.
After the loss of my love she mothers 'I no longer have a daughter but I you are still my son'. I still see her and we keep cuddling.
beautiful... especially the last sentence, all-encompassing of the current
Your story reminds me of the visits of Dutch entrepreneurs who went to Japan for business.
Both Japanese and Dutch were aware of each other's habits.
When handing over the gifts, the Japanese unpacked the gifts because this is the custom in the Netherlands.
The Dutch left the gifts in the wrapping, as this is the custom in Japan.
Well described, but with some reservations.
Isaan is only the .NE part of Thailand. Indeed, the part of the country from which most ladies come from with whom farangs enter into a relationship. But believe me, similar and even other customs and customs apply in other parts of Thailand. Anyone who thinks that it is easier for better-off families or families with a slightly higher social status will certainly have to reconsider this opinion. There is a lot more deliberation there, especially when it comes to a farang.
Another observation is that time is also evolving there and, especially in urban areas, such encounters are viewed in a more “relaxed” way. The pressure can therefore be slightly lower for everyone. Which does not mean that people attach little importance to it and do not appreciate what meat/status/finances are in the pipeline.” But the next few days they quickly return to the order of the day, Thai style...
Of course this is again about heterosexual relationships, all other possible ones are disregarded but have the same rituals.