Those who have a Thai partner often have to deal with annoying prejudices in their immediate environment.
The Dutch are known for giving an unsolicited opinion and for being quite direct. I don't know how that is with the Flemish people, but I have the impression that they are more conservative.
Such unsolicited opinion can sometimes be hurtful, especially if it also involves stupid generalizations.
When you tell in a conversation that you have a Thai partner, the jumble of prejudices is quickly poured out on you. Some examples of this:
- She's definitely a lot younger than you are?
- A Thai? Then you must certainly support her financially?
- Can't you find a normal woman in the Netherlands / Belgium?
- When you marry a Thai you get the whole family.
- So, so you have a mail-order bride?
- Thai women? Those are all bitches, aren't they?
The annoying thing about such comments is that you are immediately forced to go on the defensive. A normal conversation is then no longer possible. In my area I do hear that some men therefore do not talk about their Thai partner and conceal their relationship from the outside world. And that is sad of course.
Someone told me: “When I told my colleagues that I had a Thai girlfriend, I immediately regretted this revelation. From that moment on, jokes were regularly made about me. In the beginning I could handle it, but at a certain point it gets boring and irritating.”
For others it is even a reason to think about emigration. They are more than fed up with the constant stream of bias and hurtful comments and, partly for that reason, are considering moving to Thailand.
Having such prejudices is a reprehensible form of generalization and discrimination. It would be good to confront someone who makes such statements, but then you have to stand firm in your own shoes.
You can of course respond to this week's statement. It might be interesting to add the following questions:
- Do you have a Thai partner and therefore face nasty prejudices?
- How do you deal with that and what do you do about it?
- Do you also discuss this topic with your partner?
Join the discussion with the statement of the week and share your own experiences in a comment.
About this blogger
-
Known as Khun Peter (62), lives alternately in Apeldoorn and Pattaya. In a relationship with Kanchana for 14 years. Not yet retired, have my own company, something with insurance. Crazy about animals, especially dogs and music.
Enough hobbies, but unfortunately little time: writing for Thailandblog, fitness, health and nutrition, shooting sports, chatting with friends and some other oddities.
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Question 1: do you have a Thai partner and therefore face prejudice?
Creating gloating is a hobby that most of us humans love to cherish. One way to do this is gossip and backbiting, based on prejudices against, for example, Thai partners. Now that in itself is nothing special because even if you had a Filipino, Colombian or Ukrainian partner: the rattle all around is the same.
What matters is that you are aware of the fact that people in your immediate environment (can) react badly when they hear that you have a Thai partner.
Question 2: How do you deal with this?
You should never get on the defensive because you are confronted with prejudice. If it happens, have the guts to confront the other person about it. Be it a family member or a colleague: it doesn't matter, but let it be known that you are not served by their behavior. This does not have to be aggressive or with strong words, just calmly and deliberately.
In any case, show clearly that your TH/NL partnership is normal for you. If you yourself start smirking and trying to make the situation a bit chuckling and stupidly laughing now and then, you give the other person every opportunity to add extra fuel to the fire. Make sure you come across as someone who won't tolerate their personal life being tampered with.
Also show in your personal functioning that you are “ordinary” partners, as most people do as partners.
Question 3: Do my TH wife and I discuss this topic?
My wife was once a participant in a “multi-culti” integration, learning and discussion group. Prejudice against them as a subject was discussed daily, because many participants were of African and Islamic origin. All non-NL cultures are confronted with prejudices. That used to be the case when you came home as a Roman Catholic with a Protestant. Or with a Surinamese or Turk. Make sure you become well embedded in Dutch society: in the long run wise and less susceptible through experience.
On the other hand: my TH wife is very annoyed by TH women spending their money on casinos, alcohol and going out and only hanging out as a clique. No wonder, she says, how people talk about Thai women. They maintain prejudices themselves, and the partners apparently don't mind.
Don't care; usually it is jealousy and for the "white" women a disgrace and competition haha!
You know that in advance when you start it and you either take it with you or you don't…
We have never been bothered by it 35 years married same age and both handsome haha
If I had a much younger Thai wife, there would probably be prejudices and maybe they wouldn't be far from reality. When I see that men of 65+ have a Thai beauty of 30-, I also have the idea that this cannot be an ordinary relationship.
From my Dutch environment there is no negativity whatsoever regarding our relationship.
I know several Dutch people over 60 with partners from 30.
I also know a Thai lady of 45 whose partner is 23.
it may be that the commentators belong to the lower classes culturally
To begin with, I have never had any negative comments about my Thai partner, but there are some things true in the statement.
1 Yes she is a lot younger than I am (wonderful isn't it).
2 I don't have to support her, she works here herself and pays for her own things.
3 Is a Thai woman abnormal? but indeed I don't think I would, a woman more than 20 years younger,
found in the low countries.
4 Yes, of course you get the family, but they also my family.
5 No it's not a mail order bride, met her in Thailand.
6 Whoever says that to me about my love can get a bang for his chance, she often worked 12 hours in Thailand
a day in a factory, and if we are talking about prostitution then complain about the happy few
that ensure that many girls see prostitution as a way to a hopefully better life because the
state does not offer them that, moreover because the same happy few earn a lot of money through corruption.
When I went back to Belgium in 2017, after a year, I experienced it firsthand.
The comments I received at the time were sometimes very hurtful.
My wife and I have a 20 year age difference.
Comments such as: 'Look what's coming from there' to 'That's not natural!'
To be honest, I was glad that my 3 weeks in Belgium were over and I was going back to
the more 'open minded' Thailand could.
I never responded to such comments either. Matter of the case
not to escalate.
I also felt unsafe in Antwerp during those three weeks.
Something I have never felt here….
About feeling unsafe in Europe can share with you. Especially in the public transport that I mainly use to get to my destination, buses and trains, I find that there is often an ominous or threatening atmosphere. Always happy to be at the destination. Prejudices about Thailand will no longer be banished with the stereotypical approach by the media. It leaves me completely cold what people think of it based on such reporting. If someone is really interested, I'll be happy to tell you about my experiences.
Immediately bite back!
– your wife is definitely older than you…
– so you are supported by your wife?
- How so? Do you have a 'normal' wife? How boring, say….
And so there are more to be found against those narrow-minded people; unfortunately they can be found everywhere. And not only in the Netherlands, the Thai can do it too! What does your wife hear from Thai people? I'm sure she won't tell you everything she's told!
It is genetically determined that the Dutch want to have an opinion on everything, condemn and are good at suggesting. Well, not the nicest qualities of our people. If you ask what they base something on, it is always hear from, and never from personal experience. Would have preferred the Thai live and let live model.
Well, prejudices and stupid comments are of all times. Unfortunately, stereotypes always derive from some truth. If the shoe fits, wear it! Just ignore it if it's a stranger, but if it's a colleague or other acquaintance with whom you come into regular contact, you can only prevent worse by being honest. A reaction like: nice that you are interested in my relationship, yes it is not a 13 out of a dozen Dutch/Belgian partner. i like exotic. If you have time I'd love to tell you the whole story. Usually the subject is nipped in the bud with this. If the other person takes the time to listen, which often takes place at a different time, be honest in your story, no you don't have to show the back of your tongue, but don't tell nonsense. In the end, no one steps in. Moreover, stories that are not true are not consistent.
If you are ashamed of the truth of your relationship, then it is better to put an end to it, eventually, sooner or later, the truth will always emerge.
As for myself, I met my partner as a waiter in a hotel restaurant. Yes, he is also from the Isaan, for me this also means that the family in the countryside is taken care of, so that means a fixed contribution to Thailand every month. I have been in a relationship since 2001, we now live together in NL and are married in NL. My partner has a good permanent job and every year we go on a fam visit to the Isaan, with a wonderful stay in the North Western hills and / or one of the many wonderful coasts or islands. I don't have to apologize to anyone about our financial support for the family. Our life in NL is already so much more comfortable than that of the average Isan family, that it fills us / me with pride to be able to do this. Even if your girlfriend or boyfriend comes from a bar or massage parlor. Who cares, you care about each other that's what it's all about. Be proud that you were able to give her/him a better life. Age difference oh what, write this off as jealousy.
Long live the intercultural relatives, why should North West Europe only be reserved for those with a boreal background.
I've been in a relationship with a Thai for 10 years, and she's only 1 year younger. And I've never had a nasty comment about it. But I'm probably an exception, though I hope not.
Never been approached about this in 26 years (I'm Belgian). Because my acquaintances know that I am a serious person, this must have helped. Sporadically felt that there were reservations. Those reservations must have quickly disappeared when I met my wife. Because my wife is also a serious person.
I did consciously choose a life partner with a small age difference.
There will always be prejudices, which may be because you have a Thai partner, but also if you marry a beautiful Western woman and you are wealthy.
I have been married to a Filipino woman for 10 years but live in Thailand.
We have a big age difference but after my family and friends met her she has been completely accepted.
If I ever meet someone who has certain prejudices, I deal with it quite soberly and answer "everyone lives their own life and if you choose to sit behind the geraniums, then you do it nicely".
Comments like you get the whole family or that she married you is only about your money, I have to confirm that partly because this does play a role.
I often explain that the culture in Asia is completely reversed compared to the West.
With us the parents take care of the children and in Asia the children take care of the parents.
For me it is certain that the care and fun I have with my Asian wife is much better than with a Western woman, with exceptions.
I don't have to worry that they will put me in one or the other home if I can no longer go to the toilet without help.
And then some people may well have a prejudice.
Prejudice about a Thai Partner who is often much younger is not something that can be called typically Dutch by definition.
I believe it is an annoying human trait, which you will also find elsewhere with other nationalities.
Often they are people who, given the usually existing age difference, wonder whether such a marriage has a chance at all, even though they themselves have already had two failed marriages, and come from a culture where almost 40% of marriages are in the first 7 years already on the cliffs.
But yes, whining and judging someone else, while they themselves get nothing in line in terms of relationship, seems to be a real popular sport for some.
My partner and I have a 20 year age difference, and have been very happy for 19 years, and we both always have a good laugh at so many stupid prejudices.
Everyone lives his own life, and whoever disturbs our life, in any case has a problem that we do not have.555
In addition to my comment above, I remember an annoying question from someone in a beer garden in Munich who asked my husband what I had to pay for my wife to my Thai parents-in-law?
Because his friends at the table also found this very funny, I replied that I paid them 2 oxen, and unfortunately I did not know him personally at the time of the surrender of this sinsod.
Because he promptly asked what he had to do with this, I could tell him that they would also have liked a donkey.
I suddenly had the Lachers on my hand, while the so-called donkey quickly chose the hazepad after a quick sip of beer.
A Thai would say Som took naa.555
555 both posts get a thumbs up from me John. Completely agree. 🙂
I am in a relationship with a fantastic Isan of 24 springs young. At 83 years old, I am not the youngest myself and the age difference between us is quite large, but we rarely hear a discord. We live in Isaan where this is very normal and when we are in the Netherlands, I suspect that people do not think that we are a couple. And if nasty comments ever come up, well, this boy knows what to do with that.
I have been married to a Thai for 15 years, with the 6th statement I do not agree.
My wife's parents and 5 other sisters are very strict, they don't allow this.
I did have to deal with other 5 statements, but I solved it in the following way.
My home in Thailand is 1 to 8 hours away from families. A visit and overnight stay costs money.
I don't tell my wife or families about my money matters in the Netherlands.
My son attends a private school, school fees are quite a lot.
At the end of the month I sometimes have no money then I sometimes borrow 1000 to 2000 bth from the family
so that it looks like I don't have enough money. The family also knows that I brought my Tong temporarily
at the gold shop. Usually on birthdays or holidays we see each other.
I don't play Bigshot, the family thinks there's not much to get from me.
Left ear in and right ear out.
Envy and jealousy that give negative comments.
Never had any nasty comments myself, well my brother wasn't really enthusiastic when he heard about my relationship, but it turned around in no time. So there was nothing remarkable about us as a couple, just a young guy with a young lady who clearly loved each other. If I got a comment it was the love and happiness that clearly jumped from our faces.
I can imagine that the more unusual a relationship is, the more skewed eyes you get. Yes, so also larger age differences. However, I suspect that it will mainly remain with whispers ('see those 2 over there, what a….') in both the Netherlands and Thailand. Let them guess and gossip, if you are both genuinely satisfied as a couple, what's the problem? Even if it is a business or intellectual relationship. A third party has nothing to do with it.
Yes, I sometimes think 'why are those 2 together?' . But then I realize that I don't know such a couple. Perhaps they are not a couple but just friends or family of each other. Who knows, 1 just has a bad day or moment and therefore looks so sour or sad. There is no harm in speculating as a game, but you cannot reasonably draw conclusions or judgements. In practice, I experience this quite well with real confrontations.
And myself? I'm looking around for a lady again. There are plenty of them in the Netherlands and Thailand. Nice ladies enough, but not one who has the 'wow' factor and knows how to set my heart on fire. I think that's necessary, but to each his own. And whether that lady is from here or over there, older or younger, we'll see. What counts is my (our!) happiness.
Turn it around! I am a Thai man with a white partner (still), and I also get the weirdest comments about me. Do I care? No! Not really! It is true that the Dutch in particular have a big mouth and are quick to judge people with diverse backgrounds. I hope most of them know what they are saying because unfortunately it is sometimes also true that jealousy is the basis.
Kohp kun Na Krap!
Look at that another perspective. I would rather read perspectives of Thai (m/f) here or there more often. Sometimes it seems like a chicken coop here with Dutch people chatting and nodding to each other. It is good for everyone to step off the beaten track.
Just laugh I've been very happy for 12 years with my wife wouldn't want anyone else certainly not Dutch, (sorry for those with a Dutch one) most of them just jealous o Yes my wife is 10 years younger and pants size s doesn't smoke or drink and just works and doesn't have to support her family
Disagree with the statement as far as I'm concerned.
The age difference with my wife is 15 years. She is an entrepreneur and the company has foreign shareholders. Has seen a number of countries in the world (America, Europe, Asia), speaks Thai, English, Yawi and a little Chinese and knows what is for sale in the world. Could easily support her family before she met me. And that hasn't changed since we got married.
Dear Chris, That your wife has a company with foreign shareholders, compared to most in the countryside, already indicates that she is not one of the typical Thais who marry a Farang.
Moreover, a prejudice, which the question is actually about, takes place before people even know what qualities your wife has.
Hence, the various things your wife can or possesses have nothing to do with prejudice.
If you were to come to Europe with your wife, for example, you would be very special that you would be spared these prejudices.
Dear John,
I think you are somewhat right, but also less and less. You forget that there are more and more foreign men who marry or live together with a highly educated Thai woman. I know several. Look at a number of Thai beauties (actors/actresses, singers, misses) who often have a foreign father. And the fact that Thai female students go abroad for an MBA and sometimes fall in love with a foreigner, almost never a retired man. I know countless.
Prejudices are often based on appearance and a first impression, and lack of knowledge. My wife is a business woman and looks like this every day. There can be no misunderstanding about that. The Thais see that, foreigners too. My wife also comes to Europe on business. Never a nasty comment.
Dear Chris, I also do not deny that there are also Farangs who marry a highly educated Thai woman.
Only a (PRE)judgment, which is what the question is about, only comes about (BEFORE) that one knows the actual qualities of a person.
Moreover, a prejudice often remains as a silent opinion with the prejudiced person, so that it will never be heard as an annoying opinion.
Only with closer acquaintance, where the real qualities of a person emerge, can one revise a prejudice and come to a realistic judgment.
I therefore feel that you are confusing these two concepts.
Have been happily married for 4 years and relationship with the family in Udon Thani is fine.
Gr. Bruno
my wife is ethnically a lisu from chiang mai.
strangely enough some people respond with oh you have a chinese partner.
I fear that knowledge of the affairs in the Netherlands is limited among some who unsupportedly ventilate opinions and assertions
My Thai is 17 years younger than I am, but my Dutch ex-girlfriends were, without exception, 15 to 20 years younger than me.
I have never had any nasty comments or prejudices about it, but that is of course because I also look much younger than my age suggests. 😉
Yes, I am happily married to a sweet Thai lady.
Yes, I was, and still am regularly confronted with stereotypical prejudices
Yes, I have learned to completely ignore all these criticisms and comments,…and certainly, not to get defensive.
Never been bothered.
The Dutch are known for always having comments about third parties.
My own experiences are, there is also a big age difference between me and my Asian (not Thai) partner, that it is mainly (jealous?) women who make underhanded comments. Men in general think it's beautiful. Nice incident. Was there one of those sporty, cropped, middle-aged haircuts sitting on a terrace making audible comments about the 'old man with his cheap barmaid'. No response given. A few days later, the same figure comes to the specialist (my wife) in the hospital. That woman's face is priceless. My wife still laughs when she talks about this.