If you have (had) small children, you are familiar with the phenomenon. They suddenly come up with all kinds of questions about why. “Why is it raining?”, “Why do I have to go to bed so early?”, “Why do I have to go to school?”, “Why does mom have a big belly again?” "Why don't I have a sister?"
All quite sensible questions, but the answer is often not so easy to explain to children.
Later on at school and at work, questions about why are always present. “Why do we have a test today and not tomorrow?” “Why do I have to call that difficult customer, can't he do that?”
And as a teacher or boss you only have one good answer and one good reason to give. Even in military service, an assignment is no longer simply carried out indiscriminately. The sergeant will have to explain his decision and will not get off with: “Why are we doing this? Well, because I say so!"
In Thailand it is (still) different. In my experience, you will never get a solid answer to a question that starts with “why”. At best you get to hear: “Why not?”. It is apparently not in the nature of the beast to ask why. If you are told something, you do it. In school you are not supposed to ask questions just to listen. At work you don't question assignments in the vein of “Why do we do it this way and not differently?”.
The statement also applies privately. I've asked my wife countless questions about anything and everything in Thai life, but my "why" was usually answered with a shrug: "You not Thai, you farang, you don't understand." I've resigned myself to it, I rarely ask Why?
Things in Thailand, such as a government measure or a change in visa conditions, just happen and it is pointless to worry about the reason behind it and why.
My position is therefore that as a foreigner it is better not to ask “Why”, because you simply will not get an answer!
Agree or not agree? Give your reaction
About this blogger
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Bert Gringhuis (1945), born and raised in Almelo in the beautiful Twente. Later lived for many years in Amsterdam and Alkmaar, working in export for various companies. I first came to Thailand in 1980 and immediately fell in love with the country. Been back many times since then and moved to Thailand after my (early) retirement as a widower. I have been living there for 22 years now with my somewhat younger Thai lady Poopae.
My first experiences in Thailand as a kind of newsletter sent to family, friends and acquaintances, which later appeared under the name Gringo on Thailandblog. Many, many articles followed those first stories and that has grown into an almost daily hobby.
In the Netherlands still an avid footballer and football referee, but the years are starting to tell and in Thailand still avid, but the pool billiards is really of inferior quality, ha ha!
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I don't know if you mean exactly what you write.
Also with WHERE , WHAT and WHO you often get no, a vague, little telling or even a misleading answer at first.
WHY is possibly even more 'harder'.
It seems to me that people protect their own sphere of life and do not trust the outside world.
Some questions from foreigners also concern subjects that for a Thai are taken for granted: the diffuse family relationships, the real power relations that are rarely discussed freely.
For example, I have had to explain all too often to my family that keeping good accounts mainly provides a good overview and should not be seen as a sign of distrust.
That insight is now being shared.
So don't give up, but persevere.
A second question is: is it true that Thais rarely ask why questions?
And a third: why (not)?
The 'why' question as explained here is not a real 'why' question but a disguised way of criticizing. "Why do I have to do that again?" means 'I don't want to do it'. "Why is that soup so salty today?" means 'I think the soup is too salty'. "Why did you park that car like that?" means 'you parked the car strange (again)'. To a child "Why are you so dirty?" means 'you are a pervert'. "Why do you always ask why?" means 'stop criticizing!'
You will rarely hear 'Why did my AOW increase by 10 percent?'
"Why do you look so cute today?" will not take anyone as a real 'why' question but as a more or less disguised compliment. Hardly anyone will answer that question literally
Rightly so that you don't get a real answer to your 'why' question, the Thai understands that it is often only a form of criticism. The answer 'Why not?' then means 'explain what I did wrong', or 'what's wrong with that?' They hear the criticism and respond defensively, evasively.
Next time just say 'I think the soup is too salty'. And then she says: 'Sorry, you're right, my salt shaker popped out'. Do you have an answer to the 'why' right away.
A very short Dutch addition.
Woman asks man: 'Why were you home so late last night?' Man doesn't say: 'I went to see my new girlfriend' or 'I had a flat tire'. But he says, 'What do you mean by again? It's only the second time this week!' She: "Well, last week it was like four times!" The start of a fun, however, quarrel.
You lump all questions with WHY, namely that of veiled criticism.
As I said in my first response, many factual questions about the what, how and why are also avoided. We have to speculate about what lies behind that. I already mentioned some.
As far as situations are concerned, the question is, in my opinion, intended to be broader than you understood it, and therefore deserves a broader answer.
Well Tino, I also think that the why question does not always involve criticism. To understand something about ourselves or the world, it is the most important question. Even more than how, where, what or when. To answer her, well then you have to think, be introspective or retrospective, analyze, know the motives or underlying causes. That is almost a taboo in this country. Your hair could fall out. Or fear, mistrust perhaps.? Hold your cards as close to your chest as possible and don't show them to anyone else. You never know what he's up to.
You're absolutely right, Antonin. I just didn't get the impression that this was about asking 'to understand more about ourselves and the world'. I had the impression that this was more about personal questions about the actions of the addressee. I'm afraid I misunderstood the breadth of the statement.
I remember the first question of the Catholic School Catechism: "What are we on earth for?" The only correct answer was: 'We are on earth to serve God and thereby be happy here and in the hereafter'. When I couldn't fully reproduce the correct answer (I was 6 years old) I had to kneel on a coconut mat for half an hour. I may have suffered a metaphysical trauma from that.
My answer to the catechism question “Can we see God?” We cannot see God, because he has no light on, was also punished by kneeling, but not on a coconut mat, but in my shoes. Those nuns could do it.
I don't have much experience with Thai culture yet. Married for a little over a year and lived in Isaan for half a year last year with my wife and in-laws.
During that period I certainly used (tried) to get to know the people and their culture a bit.
I've also noticed that questions like why are often ignored and you really have to work hard to get an answer out of them.
At one point I even ignored this a bit because I thought that's just how it goes with them.
Recently I visited my wife again for 3 weeks and the following happened:
Had new doors (and some other things) installed in the house and had them painted neatly. When this was done, Auntie came by, took the jar of lacquer and went with the workmen to her house. At that moment it didn't feel right and I asked my wife why aunt went to her house with my pot of lacquer and the workmen. At first no answer and I repeated the question again. She told me that aunt had brought the paint to do something at her house.
To which I immediately asked why and why this was not discussed with me.
Again my why was ignored (shrugged shoulders) and I started to get a little irritated.
My wife saw this and it actually made her even less talkative.
I made it clear to her that I wasn't angry or annoyed with her, but more because aunt just touched my things without consultation.
In the end my wife, after a little insistence on my part, explained why and it came down to the fact that auntie decided that when we were done with the doors, the paint (and the workmen at my expense) could to have some unfinished wood varnished at their home.
At that moment I put a stop to it and let the workmen and my paint come back in a neat way. With the story that we were not yet done with the paint and that I also wanted to provide the window frames and shutters with a new coat of paint. Since these hadn't been painted in years, this was an easy excuse to get my stuff back without a family fight (although auntie was clearly annoyed).
My wife and her sister were also happy with the situation because they actually did not agree with the situation either. But because they don't have the position, they couldn't go against it without it becoming a drama.
At such a moment I am glad that I did not ignore the question “why” this time and will not fail to do so in the future (if such a situation arises again).
So my conclusion:
Just ask why.
This has nothing to do with Thai culture at all. It is precisely all those 'why' questions that arouse irritation. You think that aunt should not just take that paint with her, and rightly so. Then you say to your aunt (possibly via your wife): 'Would you please return the paint immediately, more windows need to be painted'. If you bring that kindly but firmly, that polish will be on your feet again without irritation, and I assure you that Thais do the same.
Dear Tino Kuis,
To @Gringo's statement, I can only answer,… with a resounding YES.
Because when asked why,..most don't want to hear the thought of that,
Thailand the land of LIKE,..and GOOD, ( usable ) and you must be usable ( added value ) all over the world.
Humour,..I LIKE YOU U'r GOOD men.
PS, have been to many schools, but never seen ONE Farang that determines how the lessons are filled.
Maurice, well done, this way you will at least reduce this kind of situation and if you persist in asking why, then this kind of irregularity will even, well, almost completely stop, in my experience.
I see it differently. The most important thing about an Asian is not to lose face. If he answers then you would have the chance to give a wrong answer, read; loss of face. You see the same phenomenon when you ask for directions, for example. They will never say "I don't know". There is then a bit of sheepish laughter and pointing left and right, or he doesn't know and you won't get there, but he managed to save himself and didn't lose face. Am I seeing it wrong?
Yes, you are seeing it wrong. I've asked for directions hundreds of times in Thailand. If they knew, they often drew it out for me on a piece of paper: 'Straight on, after 500 meters turn right at the temple, then over the bridge and it is immediately left'. Happened yesterday when I got lost in Chiang Mai. If they didn't know, they said: 'I don't know, but I'll call my brother, he knows.'
dear tina,
Sometimes I think I live in a different country than you. Or would it really be the difference between the capital and the 'country side'? I've been asking taxi drivers to take me home for almost 8 years now, almost every two weeks and I estimate that 30% let me board but don't know exactly where I want to go, but the direction when I say Talingchan. But the driver doesn't say that. Fortunately I have a good (photographic) memory and I can help the good man (rarely a woman) with the way.
Hi Dirk, You see it perfectly well. Fear of losing face. (That's how my wife explained it too).
And yes, if you ask for directions, the Thais will always show you how to get there, even if they don't know it themselves!
(Not knowing is losing face.)
Regards, Dontejo.
A while back in a diner. Ordered something that was on the menu.
To drink a glass of white wine.
– One glass of white wine, please, sir?
x sorry sir, one glass of white wine cannot sir.
– Why not?
x No have sir.
– Okay, one Leo please.
x Okay sir.
Enjoying the food, with the beer.
A couple sit down next to me and place their order.
A little later a bottle of white wine is brought. Well, now get some.
The service addressed of course.
– Excuse me, you told me no have white wine, and those people over there, they drink white wine!
Why I cannot drink white wine?
x Hehe, yes sir, we have no glass of white wine, but we have only bottle sir.
– So I can drink white wine?
x Yes sir, but no have one glass of white wine, but I have bottle for you, you like? You want bottle?
– Yes please, bring me a bottle.
She didn't know how to drink it completely, but she felt like wine, and so looked forward to it.
A little later he comes with a standard glass, and the bottle of wine. Proudly pours me a glass, bows for a moment. Disappears with the bottle, went on doing it.
Well, there was an answer to the why, but it took a few more glasses to sink in, there were no wine glasses, but the wine itself in an ordinary glass …
Davis,
Beautiful story.
Very recognizable for me after more than 32 years of Thailand.
Let's keep things like this going.
It brings charm to the visit to the country.
Priceless hotels / resorts for thai people in thailand
and hotels where Thai food is no longer available will only cause friction between the local population and foreign tourists in the long run.
Completely correct:: don't ask 'why' because that's pretty 'inappropriate'! As farangs, we are used to living with increasing disrespect and LUCKILY that is not the case in Thailand. That's one of the reasons we're here, isn't it!
Don't forcefully ask in the other person's eyes and just accept. If you don't agree, just keep your mouth shut and ask elsewhere.
Customize friends.
Always ask the 'Why Question'. Then just a small child: I don't know, I don't understand. If the answer does not come, you are free to fill in the answer yourself and sometimes that is: I am here (or with you) at the wrong address.
My girlfriend knows that by now and she tries to answer me as best she can.
Of course I understand older people and ingrained habits, but the Thai avoidance behavior is hardly acceptable. This has nothing to do with loss of face, but with blunt discourtesy.
Children ask the why of things in order to learn that way. It would be interesting to see whether Thai children also do this, or whether they are discouraged from doing so at an early age. From my limited interaction with Thai children, I have the impression that the latter is the case.
The why question asks about the reason, the rationale of something. The curiosity among the Thais, or should I say among the Thais I know, is usually not that great. Things are what they are and why they are the way they are is not so interesting. Westerners have the idea that knowing a lot is useful. Knowledge is power. Thais often have the idea that knowing a lot causes headaches..I know I'm drawing all sorts of angry reactions at myself with this "prejudice", but I've been with the Thais for 35 years and I rarely have the thirst for knowledge (I'm not saying never!!!) observed. Fortunately, Thais are intelligent and pragmatic, so they usually acquire the knowledge they need quickly. It is not about “why”, but about “because”. Because I have a Western friend, I am going to learn English. Because I want a good job, I go to school.
I am emphatically not talking about the why question, which merely indicates disapproval. The Thais rightly do not respond to this. Indeed, they do not have to be constantly accountable to us.
WHY is the interrogative variant of BECAUSE (and because of), is actually the same.
So the rubbing point is in the interrogation, the interrogative form, the unequal roles, etc.
The question of "why" is a nasty question for people who live "in the moment" as the Thai do and as is in fact the intention of the Buddhist way of life.
To live “in the moment” is to break through the “cause” and “effect” chain of your thought stream in your mind, then you come into that blissful feeling that everything goes by itself. Worrying is no longer there.
The question “why” forces the addressee back into that “cause and effect” chain in her or his thoughts.
We Westerners don't know it that way, we are constantly asking ourselves the "why". That's why we have such a hard time living “in the moment”.
I think that's where the rub is.
All too often in Thailand I got the answer to my question why? “mai me arrai” “there is no why”. And that is a very great truth for those who live “in the moment”, that what would be the why has already passed, is in the past, no longer exists, is no longer important. But yes for the farang it seems to be very important.
http://www.eit.or.th/dmdocuments/plan/why_why_analysis_3.pdf
The why-why-why (why-why-why) method is a very widely used method to analyze problems with the aim of solving them better.
Google it and you will see many presentations of this method in Thai. In my case studies classes I pay ample attention to this and students learn to apply this method to problems of all kinds, both professional (why are there traffic jams in Bangkok?) and private (Why don't my parents want me to hang out with a certain boy? ). I've never noticed that people take that as covert criticism; it is true that people have not learned to think independently, and that they therefore have difficulty making a good problem analysis.
When I want to know the ins and outs, I regularly hear: “Wim talking too much”. Then I know enough.
In Indonesia they often said “Belum” to me when I asked for directions. ” Can you tell me where…..Belum means: “Not yet”. Actually, that's an excellent answer.
This statement is XNUMX percent correct….
When I lived in Thailand I volunteered to teach English in a village school and no cat ever asked me why,?
It's just parrot education!
And even worse…..when I asked a question all the looks go down and suddenly there is no eye contact anymore! They are so shy and don't know how to keep to themselves!
It is indeed the nature of the beast to meekly follow!
You can also say that the Thai do not receive proper education, that they are still submissive, and that the caste system is still present!
Greetings
Linda
Since 1993 I regularly come to Thailand for business and since then I have been extremely annoyed by the never being able or willing to give an answer when I ask something, especially an explanation via "why".
Explanation from my Thai business partner: the Thais are sent down from the cradle to the grave.. if they showed by means of a question that they do not know something completely, and this is seen as criticism of the teacher. So AND loss of face of a superior as well as of himself: not knowing = stupid = loss of face
So .. one just stands laughing sheepishly, spinning around stupidly, etc.
And if that means that the orders go to China, for example, more incense sticks are lit in the temple.
By the way: Thailand has already been taken over for 99% by the Chinese, but because they have Thai names, it is less noticeable. Fortunately for the Thais, these Chinese came to TH before the revolution, so they didn't experience the bang of the Cultural Revolution, because it has put all that losing face stuff in China to one side for good. The current 20s and 30s in China will even make “The West” kneel before the Dragon Throne again, just like during the VOC. SE Asia… will be their “colonies” then.
When asking the “why” question, do we take sufficient account of Thai culture?
Do we take into account the question whether in-depth conversations, and this mutual, are possible?
The hierarchy is very important. In a normal situation, the Thailand never asks his superior why do I have to do this. Asking questions at all is not done.
However, if you talk to them about this and explain that you are interested in why something is done in a certain way, you will receive a clearly substantiated answer.
Learned a lot about the culture and working method in recent years.
Conversely, I also get the questions now why something is done in this way.
Mutual respect and trust provides insight into many facets of this culture.
Also on the market I can just ask questions about why. A good conversation is therefore possible.
The openness of friends and acquaintances at home is certainly present.
Questions such as why do you have so much work with payroll, why are there so many employers here, why so many 7-11 together and all open 24 hours, etc. give surprising answers.
For me an open conversation with many people.
Also why the Thai wants a farang so badly is a long conversation.
Explanations about the financial situation, holiday money, pension are instructive conversations.
Does the question 'why' as we perceive it exist in Thai? Could be a good answer to the question… funny thinking thinker.
Why is in Thai; tham maj
I find this discussion very funny. I had long noticed that the word “why” is not often used here and that there is little or no response to this word.
In the Netherlands children ask you the ears of your head with "why", but I have never heard the children here use this. We have had children in the house for years, who are now 5 and 9 years old
Dear Chris,
Lived for many years in the Netherlands ( born ) but also for a few years in Germany, England, Spain and Italy, first of all I noticed that the choice of words and sentence structure in Thailand is very similar to the Italian language, which also differs completely from the Germanic language,, the behavior also has, less clearly, many similarities.
To quote dear Paul Bremer ( blunt rudeness ) it is not,… we have a blunt language, and the Thai have a language fed with poetry, a word that is cumbersome for us,
therefore also the reactions of the Thai to (us) why, to confront the blunt.
Dear, there is something about that. Literal translation is useless. Watch the body language. Furthermore, Thai is a very poetic language. For them that is the norm, hardly know anything else. Do you think they understand the – limited – English of most farang, even native English between the lines? Just like the seasoned farang with his great knowledge of the language and/or phonetics will never or cannot have an in-depth conversation with some Thais. Tino can do that a little better, just like myself, eyes speak volumes, the facial expressions and fine motor skills only clarify it. Perhaps the trick is how not to ask why questions, but a question that cannot be given a passe-partout. Then we are back at the beginning. And wants to figure that out while it can. Happy expat, sometimes to next whiskey bar, don't ask me why. (Send by mobile-no text layout).
PS: Dixit my late Thai friend: don't give your stomuch to the bird'. You have to know why, especially ask yourself. Beautiful Thai saying. Rich language though :~)
I think stimulating curiosity is essential for children. I have one of my own that is a year and a half old and I'm holding my breath for how it will turn out in the future.
More than a year ago I was introduced to the teacher of the school he will soon be attending.
After the usual introductions she asked me: "Do you think I'm pretty".
It was hard to deny, but I was equally surprised. But curiosity should be rewarded.
Status is very important in Thailand.
Asking why means questioning someone's status, because someone has to explain (read defend) their decision.
It is indeed difficult to get an answer to “why” in Thailand.
Hi Gringo, thanks for this interesting statement. Your wife regularly answers “you not thai, you farang, you do not understand”. What I wonder now, does your wife never ask a why question herself (fortunately, my wife regularly asks a why question). I am therefore very curious what your wife's reaction is if you answer with “you not wester, you thai, you do not understand”? Good luck 😉 Dan
Ps: also found the responses given very helpful and instructive. Thank you all!
yes that's right if you come or are there a little longer you will really notice that they think a little differently, so they don't know why questions well we as Dutch people are always looking for answers and solve problems if they don't know there they will let them know too don't notice and say something and then you think it's good and later you find out that they didn't actually know and but what did they say they don't dare to say they don't know, they are very afraid to go off because they always pretend they know everything it's because of their pride because a thai must do everything right according to budha's law
so if you get an answer yourself then think 3 times and let your feeling work whether you think it's good
greetings Jan
A winged answer to the “why” question is also: “Same same but different”… In all such reactions a resignation can be heard, arising from powerlessness… “Nothing can be done about it, but only with a bribe” is the experience of many Thai. The open contempt for law by many law enforcement officers and arbitrariness in policy is not a shining example for the population. The repression of these “servants” is enormous. Thus, dodging is a vital technique in the quest for survival of many Thais. Still a beautiful country for me, where I like to visit.
I find it incomprehensible why we expats always have to have an answer to: . why ? Why should everything have a reason and why should it be known to us ? Why not, take as it is?.
Even if you know the reason and why, nothing will change. Nothing changes at all because an expat would like it so much. So if you know a little bit about the culture you can avoid a lot of whys in advance.
Isn't that completely incomprehensible dear Rebell,
because the constant 'Why Question' has brought us western science and all the benefits that come from it.
Such as a good retirement provision, good health care, acceptable democratic governance. Of course things can be better and self-enrichers have not been banned for us either, but we are on our way.
And possibly hope the same for Thailand, so that they do not just remain dependent on a good dictator, but can gradually build their own functioning system of democratic self-government.
And our 'Why Question' could be a means to help with that or at least to satisfy our own peace of mind.
Have been living in Thailand for over 25 years now and stopped asking for anything 10 years ago, <(accept, respect), you should also try, a whole new and wonderful world will open up for you.
This also applies to "In-Depth Conversations" !!
And…………………… turn it around, if your partner asks you:
Why did you come to live in Thailand.
Very curious if you give a 100% correct answer to that.
Hi Ruud,
If my wife asks me, I will answer: Because I am in love
turned on this beautiful young woman, who says it's mutual (despite the
age difference). Because she is not money hungry. Which I talk about anything and everything
can talk (even in depth). That this woman is my best friend, who 2
wonderful children. That's why I came to live in Thailand.
And of course the climate and the beautiful country also play a role.
Dear wife, hopefully you are now aware of why.
And Ruud, do you think this is a 100% correct answer?
Regards, Dontejo.
Hi Dontejo,
You write with your Heart, thank you and I am convinced that your answer is 100% correct.
I am glad to read a positive response about relationships, but in all the time that I have lived in this wonderful country I see and hear only misery and nothing but misery with
Thai/Farang relations.
Exceptions prove the rule and very nice that you have a lovely wife and 2 wonderful children
.
Yours faithfully,
Ruud.
Wonderful life in a country where you are not allowed to ask the reason for things and where you should not want to have conversations about anything. Just playing fair weather all day long with your pennies that are so popular. A country where you don't get difficult questions like "why do you have those pennies and we don't" or "why you can do what you want and we have to make everyone happy all the time". Just accept that people don't take or get the chance to become independent and critical and then you call it respect because that sounds better than indifference. Then just say honestly “I'm having a good time here and the Thais are just sorting it out”.