What is normal in a relationship with a Thai woman?
Dear readers,
I have a specific question about a relationship and would like to get more information from men who are married to a Thai woman.
My name is André, I live in Phrae and have a relationship with a 54 year old lady from Chiang Mai. She works as a self-employed hairdresser and has a nail studio.
From what I hear, the foreigner should be responsible for everything regarding payments.
She asks me to pay her rent for her house, but also her food. She hardly cooks herself, so she often eats in restaurants. Then she asks me to transfer the bills to her. In addition, I should also pay for the electricity and water. She drives around with a rental car, which she thinks I should also pay for.
Her daughter is visiting her son in Ayutthaya for a few days, and I would also have to pay for her plane ticket, a cool 6.000 Baht there and back. When I suggest taking the train or VIP bus, she responds with: "Do you know how far that is and how long the journey takes?"
If we were to live together, I would have to pay for everything. Is that exploitation or what is that? She says that the man has to pay for everything. In Belgium, the costs of a joint account are paid, but here in Thailand she says that the money she earns is only for her. The man has nothing to do with that.
Is it always like this or is she taking advantage of my kindness?
Regards,
André (BE)
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I live in CM with my partner, neither of us wants to get married, have done so before and don't see the point of it.
My partner is self-employed and has a large house where we do not live, but her mother lives there (for free).
We both have our income and pay the bills together from our income, sometimes it is more for me and other times for her.
Our income is for our family, there are four of us, we like this way of life after living together like this for years without any problems.
I would personally have left this lady in CM of yours after a week because this is not my idea of living together and earning and spending money.
I know Phrae isn't overflowing with beautiful women, but if I were in your situation I would look up a dating site, or you have to be a party type then go out in the nightlife of a big city because you will always meet someone who matches.
Good luck with your search for better because this woman is taking advantage of you.
MeeYak
Indeed I am also married to a Thai woman and we share the costs but usually I pay a little more but that is not a problem for me.
That lady should also pay for her luxury.
MVG
Didier
Dear Didier,
Thank you for your reaction.
I am 65 and retired, have a savings account in Belgium, but if I were to continue like this, that savings account would soon be plundered. And then what, like so many others, she will dump me. I find it completely normal that I have to pay, but not that everything has to come from one side, my partner also has to put in his two cents.
So my decision is made, dump her before she dumps me with all the misery afterwards... And on to another one, for me it doesn't have to be a beauty, although the eye wants something too, one who doesn't see me as her walking ATM'er.
Greetings, André
Dear MeeYak,
Thank you for your reaction.
I am not a party type, I am 65 years old and retired, I have a savings account in Belgium, but if I were to continue like this, that savings account would soon be plundered. And then what, like so many others, she will dump me.
So my decision is made, dump her before she dumps me with all the misery afterwards... And on to another one, for me it doesn't have to be a beauty, although the eye also wants something, one who doesn't see me as her walking ATM'er.
All the best to you MeeYak, lots of happiness together.
Greetings, André
Dear Andrew,
I would be very careful with this.
I am not a relationship expert, nor a graduate in these kinds of matters, but from what I read you are being maneuvered into the position of a foreign 'cash cow', under the guise of the foreigner having to pay for everything, because that is the custom here.
If she has her own income but wants to keep it for herself and have you pay the rest of the bills (even those of her children who go on trips) then there is something seriously wrong with her idea of living together and living together.
By the way, a Thai woman who doesn't cook herself is a mystery to me anyway, because mine loves nothing more.
I have been with my Thai wife for about 25 years now and it has never occurred to her to leave me to take care of everything on my own.
Or to fatten the in-laws and other family by picking up the bill everywhere (except in the case of dinners out and some birthdays), under the guise of 'it is Thai tradition that the foreign man pays for everything'.
My advice in this case: don't fall for it.
Your lady sees you as a walking ATM. The fact that you don't think that's normal is enough.
Advice: Say goodbye and find another.
Fortunately I read on Thailand blog that many men are extremely satisfied with their Thai partners. So it is indeed possible to live together well and contentedly.
In this case I only see red flags and you don't even live together yet and it's all about money.
There are regular cases like this on YT, including Thai talk with Dan and Talks of Thailand, where many expats send an email to tell their story about their relationship. They are not gentle and full of red flags.
Just watch some videos and then in your case I think running away as fast as possible would be the best solution.
Indeed, some alarm bells or a red flag may be signaled here. In Thailand it is just as normal that in relationships one pays an equal share. No, not by registering all the invoices exactly and then doing a calculation. but just common sense. The partner who has less income/capital, pays less, the one who has more, pays more. But all costs on the account of one of the two partners? No! I don't know any Thai who would see that as normal, loving and respectful in a full-fledged relationship or friendship.
And occasionally giving something extra to immediate family, helping out in times of need and treating them now and then, yes that is normal. But paying the children's travel expenses as standard?? Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I know several couples (Thai-Thai) where the woman brings in half or most of the income, and therefore also pays an important part of the costs. And when I do things with my Thai friends, the same story: contribute according to ability or costs incurred. Sometimes I treat, often enough they treat. Even if they are not so well off but still just pay for the drink or snack as a sign of hospitality and respect as friends among themselves who are happy to see each other again.
say goodbye very quickly.
The answer is simple, however.
It's not normal.
So I would say draw your own conclusion.
Very abnormal indeed. And you must see that yourself?
Just make a business appointment. Say you'd be willing to help her out, say 8.000 baht a month and not a cent more. If she doesn't want that, thank her for the nice time and wish her luck in the future.
Well (first?) get your hair and nails cut André (and your toes) For 8000 euros a month some Thais work almost a whole month 12 hours a day in the boiling heat on a rice field. Enjoy it.
Well, there are farang that I as a Thai would not want to walk next to. Then that 8000 baht is a kind of compensation 😉
That's true... but when I see who those girls/men sometimes go with. then I think that besides walking there must be the least pleasant part of the evening.
Should be “then I think that besides walking there must be the most pleasant thing about the evening”
HE must see through that I hope that's what you mean 😉
8000 Baht…. is not going to happen and someone will never be satisfied with it. Maybe for a while and then it starts again.
That's right because in 99 percent of the cases
it is never, ever, never enough.
Answer is very simple: say goodbye and look for another lady. This is simply nothing more than seeing you as a “walking ATM”.
I have been married to a Thai for over 20 years and have never experienced this. She has never even asked me for money, nor has her family. She earns her own income here in the Netherlands and we share most of the joint expenses.
She thinks she won the lottery…
Quickly trade in just like a car that is not in good condition.
There are plenty of them, WELL-loving partners… Look, if a lady would have nothing and she is and takes care of you from her feelings… You can safely take everything on yourself.. you have noticed it yourself for a long time… She does not have the best intentions with and for you, but only for her, the one who interests her.. that is what it is about, not about the money itself, Il would say. You are her status symbol because many of those so-called successful self-employed ladies want a farang these days.. and her rented car and the business furnishings probably on credit..
If she can get something better than you or you become a liability to her, you are too much.
Follow your instincts and if you want someone next to you wait until someone of good heart and mind comes along.. I would say don't actively look for it.. that distorts …
The most beautiful flowers can be discovered at the right time and then it is up to you to pick the right ones, especially watch the cats from the trees... time teaches you to see a lot behind smiles and masks
Success
André,
This is just the beginning.
If you want to return to Belgium in the foreseeable future because you are destitute, you should definitely stay with her and give her what she asks for.
Dear TheoB,
Thank you for your reaction.
I am 65 and retired, but I have built up a savings account in Belgium, just to let you know.
The day that no euros or Thai Baht appear on the table, she will dump me. What I do want, with my pension we can have a normal life, luxury aside, but that she does not want to pay for the daily costs, that is where the shoe pinches for me.
She says she has money, but she doesn't have fire insurance for her rental home. What fool doesn't take out such insurance? I don't think the owners would agree to this if something were to happen. In Belgium you are obliged to do so.
She was looking at houses for rent or for sale for a few days, the ones she wanted were all with a private pool and a cost price of around 15M to 23M. (purchase house) and between 60K to 130K (rental house) When I asked her if she wanted to contribute her bit the answer was without batting an eyelid, no the man has to pay for that, this is always the case in Thailand and the purchase house had to be in her name. The rental house could be in my name. That's where the puppets started dancing.
So my decision is made, dump her before she dumps me. And back to a closer one but one who doesn't see me as her walking ATM'er. Make clear agreements from the beginning.
Greetings, André
André,
I'm glad you realize that she only lets you near her for your money. A gold digger of the highest order with € signs in her eyes who pretends or thinks that you should thank her on your bare knees for her presence and tries to pin all kinds of nonsense on you with the argument that it would be Thai culture. THE Thai culture does not exist, it is at most her personal culture.
What other couples agree on about the division of (household) tasks and finances is their business, not yours. It is not uncommon for (Thai) people to want to appear better/richer by spreading half-truths and whole lies.
Without your financial help, she has managed to survive for 54 years and, on top of that, give birth to/raise one or more children.
Pack your bags, then say nothing more than goodbye, salut and the fare (อำลา / บ้ายบาย / ลาก่อน / กล่าวลา / ร่ำลา / ลาลับ) and be on your way to your luxurious ฿20k room and board. She won't shed a tear for you, only regret for milking that money tit too hard.
In any bar you will find younger and attractive women with more moral awareness and a better conscience. Not that I advise you to look for the one there. 😀
exploitation, my wife works and also pays part of the costs.
I think the last answer is the best answer.
8000 baht a month and not a cent more.
It's not 'normal' or actually 'normal'. I rub my eyes. A 54 year old lady who tries (again) if all those stories about desperate walking ATM's are (still) true. But seriously André (although I also like all kinds of humor): how long have you been living in Thailand?
For all your spending on this woman (a granny), you can get a sexy young lady around 30
Dear Rudi,
I have been living in Thailand since September 4, 2024 with a distant relative of my sister-in-law (my brother's wife). I pay room and board what I consider normal (20K per month).
As for my girlfriend, I talked to her about it, according to her she has friends who live together with a farang coming from the USA or Europe, when she asked to speak to that farang in private, she immediately refused, although she confirmed that the farang or foreigner paid for everything, also for the adult children. But to speak to that man in private, no she doesn't want that. Speaks volumes. I urgently have to go to the Belgian embassy for all kinds of documents, she wants to come along but only by plane and wants to stay in BKK for 4 days and it has to be at least a 4 or 4 star hotel, of course I have to pay for all the costs again. I'm going by night train from Den Chai to BKK and will return the same day by night train.
Get rid of her as soon as possible and wish her the best of luck in meeting another walking ATM.
Dear Rudi,
I am 65, retired and arrived in Thailand on September 4. I have been to Thailand several times before (9 times).
Others are better, I'm going to dump her in no time.
Greetings, André
No André,
Not anytime soon!
But NOW!!!!!!
I know someone, also an ATM, who was planning to do the same, but now the lady is still with him.
Dear Andrew,
With what that lady is demanding I see only a better solution – use your money to find a better girlfriend.
I am married to my (Thai) wife and I also know many foreigners who have a relationship here.
Some families do indeed use foreigners as a money tap, but your story defies reality.
This can hardly be called a 'relationship' anymore – consult the Van Daele dictionary.
First advice seems to me the best solution, also for your mental health.
Limiting your contributions is a possible solution, but will not prove to be a “solution” in the long run.
Good luck and most importantly decide for yourself what you are going to do.
Dear Guy,
Thank you for your comment and the comments of the other Thailand bloggers.
As I am now in Chiang Kham, about 80 km from Phayao and 95 km from Chiang Rai. We are here because her mother was ill and she was unable to drive. In the meantime, 16 days here, the mother is cured, but now she finds Phrae a bit too far (210 km) to go there. I had suggested to travel from Phrae to her modest house in Chiang Mai. I am in a cheap resort and she sleeps with her mother, mentally that is not healthy for me.
I know what I have to do, leave her asap and find another woman because with a pension of €2800 I can't make ends meet, my girlfriend wants luxury, would like to move to either a rental home or buy a home herself, with a swimming pool, 4 beds, 4 baths and all possible luxury included. It is the man who has to pay for everything, she doesn't want to invest one Thai Baht. It can't go on like this. One luck, we have been together for 2 months now, live together practically only when something has to be paid, luckily she can't blame me for abusing her. We haven't made love yet, I've never seen her naked so ....
I'm stopping her immediately.
Regards, Andre
Pack your bags and drive away. Now, stante pede. Back to your own place in Phrae. Stante pede means: immediately, immediately. No delay, no procrastination, no explanations, no bye. hug or 'take care!' Go! Get out of here. Why? I'm afraid you're the type to be talked into it.
Dear Andre
Dump that stuff before you get dumped.
Because that's guaranteed to happen when you're completely destitute.
Plenty of fish in the sea!
Good luck Andre !
It's crazy that these kinds of questions are still being asked! And it's even more crazy that most of the reactions openly disapprove of the Thai lady's behavior. Rightly so, because that lady is trying to cash in on it.
What does an expression like this mean? Nothing more and nothing less than trying to profit opportunistically from someone else's stupidity. Because let's face it, shouldn't Andre ask himself: "Are you the one who's so smart, or am I so stupid?" (Freely based on Louis van G.) The answer is clear!
Now read what he lists that he is supposed to cough up: “her rent for her house, her food, restaurant bills forwarded to her, electricity and water, a rental car, plane tickets for a daughter”. This last is telling when Andre protests a bit and suggests going by train or VIP bus. Of course she responds with: “Do you know how far that is and how long the ride takes?”
Andre (BE) has manoeuvred himself into a stranglehold and does not dare to escape.
Is this all normal, he wonders. No, of course not. Wake up, man. She’s draining you. You live in CHM, she lives in Phrae, >200km away from you, a good three hours drive, and you pay for all her grievances? What are you doing? Of course she says: “We’re going to live together, and you’re paying for everything!” Period.
Abnormal? Well, why would we do in TH what is not normal in BE?
Don't be Western soft - I give you 21 piece of advice after living in Thailand for 1 years - dump her. If you don't dump her you will just be used for the rest of this "relationship".
Telling her clearly and unequivocally that this does not work, if she does not understand this or wants to end it and look for a better solution, may sound harsh but will ultimately save you a lot of misery…
What do you mean if 'she doesn't get it'? She's the one who decides the game! Does he get it? I totally agree with @Rijck!
I'd run really fast if I were you.
act like a sensible person and the problem is solved, advice from others does not help and is usually worthless.
My first reaction is to walk away, or in her case, ask lots of questions and see how much you give in.
And is a negotiation,
she will undoubtedly give you something back in private from the bedroom, and it is worth giving you a reasonable compensation for that
Don't reach an agreement in negotiation.
Run away quickly
This is really no money no honey! I would take the parting advice to heart.
Let's face it, if you bring in a million euros/month, you won't notice much of it.
But a lot of men don't have that.
In this case, you are being figuratively screwed. Stop paying and/or relationship.
A woman, anywhere, can have a double agenda.
However, it can arise just as strongly in same-sex or other types of relationships
Keep an eye on your wallet at all times.
You are actually as green as grass when it comes to relationships, as your question shows.
Now 10 years relationship with Thai woman and sometimes I have to force HER not to pay and that I pay!
Yes, scratch your head, but it's true.
And she's definitely not a millionaire.
I have to keep an eye on that for myself too, otherwise you might start to think it's normal.
And I still don't find it self-evident that she does that.
Still keeping an eye on it and usually “compensating” with other things.
Such as adapting the bathroom for tired people and buying and installing grab bars.
And many more things like that, But also food, gasoline.
We go to refuel, I tell her "all full tank" and give money. Then I look at the end, money back and ask why. A look at the gas pump tells me, only half tank.
Pffffffff, sometimes I would like to sleep all day just to avoid these kinds of things.
And then last year suddenly: “you don't pay”, so I showed her how much of my money I had already lost.
After which she had to bow down, surprised and grumbling. Well, they remain women
Andre, step up and don't let them walk all over you. It's YOUR money and if not stop.
It's no different than. Don't let yourself be manipulated, or whatever.
Walk away !
I would say stop this parasite very quickly.
Unlike us, it is normal for Thai women to help their parents financially. It has to do with their culture and also with the fact that pensions are totally insufficient to (sur)vive.
As far as the distribution of costs is concerned, it is normal in our countries too that each partner contributes according to their own means, which is a good starting point in itself, isn't it?
For a good relationship it is important that you bridge the difference in culture by meeting each other halfway. This seems logical to me. You don't want a Golddigger, but we have them too. My Thai girlfriend never abused my financial "wealth", my Belgian ex- all the more so...
Patrick,Indeed, children help their parents financially when they retire.
But not only a monthly sum of money, my “mother-in-law” lives for free in my partner's house (4 large bedrooms), we rent a house, the energy bill is paid and now the youngest has been taken to her grandmother because she has 2 months of school holidays.
What does my partner do, take bags of groceries with all kinds of food, meat and fish, so that there is no need to complain that the granddaughter eats her arm.
Not that that will happen, but my partner wants us to cover the costs, fine, I have no problem with that.
These are the customs of the average Thai and actually it is also normal to do this within our family.
Life is good in Thailand, at least for the four of us
Greetings MeeYak
Dear Patrick,
Just like you, I have also been plucked by my ex in Belgium.
To help her mother I want to put my two cents in, but when she asks how much she needs monthly to get by, she speaks of 70 to 80K Thai Baht for the two of us. Is that realistic, I don't know, but if I compare prices with Belgium and the supermarkets, local markets, that is on the high side or am I wrong Patrick?
Let me be plucked again, no thank you, and certainly not by her, we have known each other for 3 weeks now, she says she is not ready for sex yet, I will leave that open, but hopefully it will happen one day, I am a man, 65 years old, but I still have needs.
Patrick, if you wish you can also reach me by email [email protected], I also have whatsapp but I prefer to send it via email.
Greetings, André
To ask the question is to answer it... you are clearly dealing with someone you see as a cash cow. As you say yourself, once your savings account is empty, the "love" will also be over and she will send you on your way. That there is a bit of an imbalance in what both contribute to the daily costs is quite normal, after all, the average income of a Thai is a lot lower than ours. But here there is no question of imbalance, only of profiteering. You yourself are a man and wise enough to know how to proceed
Dear Koen,
Thank you for your reaction.
I am old and wise enough to know what to do, if she does not come up with money for daily use, buy a new car, rent another house or buy one, then I know. After 3 weeks of a relationship, no lovemaking has come yet, she does not feel ready for it …..
One word that starts with a D and ends with UMPEN.
Greetings,
Andre
No André,
You are old enough, but certainly not wise enough.
Run, NOW!!!
Moral of the story: always the same story comes back or 'same, same but different'. Some take a slightly more 'subtle' approach. Others act a bit 'dumber' and not entirely according to the book with a possible title: 'how do I suck a farang dry without him realizing it'. Here, given the age of the lady, there is also a bit more urgency.
Perhaps it would be a wise decision to put an end to such a 'long distance' relationship, which by the way does not deserve the word relationship at all.
Once you break the chains, you will soon realize with relief that you should have done it much sooner.
This sounds like this woman is a PARASITE: they only have a farang to literally and figuratively suck dry, so they can take maximum advantage of you!
Dump this woman real quick because this is NOT how it should be
When you live there/with someone it is only normal (as everywhere by the way) that you pay half of the cost of living and daily expenses, but that is where it stops.
You really don't want to waste your (retired) life with someone like that!
Every now and then a little extra is allowed, but not everything on one roof!