Thai Buck Wig
I don't know about you? But both I and others sometimes suffer from the Thai goat wig.
bok ken wig (the ~) wear the goat's wig, to be displeased, to be ill-tempered, to behave stubbornly, resentfully, [(1858) from the eighteenth century, the wig period; if one wore the wig carelessly, like a buck (a grumpy person), it was seen as a sign of indifference]
With my girlfriend, this sometimes manifests itself in a silence of several days. But the funny thing is that I often don't even see that coming. Now you can of course say that I'm doing wrong, or that I don't have a good relationship with my girlfriend, but nothing could be further from the truth. Because that's not the point. Often only after days of silence do I hear what happened that caused it. And they are often trifles, but also things that are completely beyond my control or my fault. When I experienced this for the first time, I thought it was terrible.
Thai women
Now, so many goat wigs later, I know how to deal with it and I have now found out that women are into it Thailand (can) do so. Even with the mother-in-law you see this behavior when dad has done something (which he himself does not know) or has not done. Sometimes I also see that man looking and laughing like a farmer with a toothache because he really doesn't know what happened, while the entire street and family have long since noticed. But he also knows how to deal with it now.
I'll give you an example. My girlfriend's phone has run out of credit. A problem because she has to call when she's done at work so I can pick her up. But at work they have a telephone and normally they use it. I cannot pick her up at a fixed time because it is not known how much work there is per working day. The end time is therefore variable. So the agreement is that I get a phone call more than 30 minutes before the end of working hours so that I can be ready to pick her up on the spot in plenty of time. I can't call her either because she doesn't have a phone with her at work (no pockets in her pants).
Wrong?
In short, I can do no wrong. Wrong! Unfortunately, nothing turns out to be less true. Normally she calls from work, but this time she suddenly calls from a friend's house 2 kilometers away. If I want to come get her there. Of course I'm surprised because how did she get there? Anyway, we happily get in the car and go pick her up. But the moment she gets into the car, I can see on her face that she's angry. It is war! No sjoege (not a good word) comes out. The goat wig stands up again.
As it turned out much later, I should have called her every half hour from 12:00 because I knew she would always finish work on half or full hours and I knew that her credit had run out and I also knew that she would the work floor didn't have a phone with her and so she couldn't call me. Logic? I do not see him. Because if you don't have a phone with you, how do you reach someone? Furthermore, there is simply a telephone at work that can and may be used to make calls, so why walk two kilometers first? Anyway, if the monkey eventually comes out completely, then it went like this: She wanted to know how far and how long it was to walk to her friend's house and because it took so long (45 minutes or something) she had i did it. It was my fault, because I had said it would be a 20 minute walk.
Logic?
Exactly right because we Dutch people walk on a Dutch pace and therefore exactly 5 km per hour and so 2 kilometers takes approximately, exactly !!, 20 minutes. So the goat wig stands up and it will only come off when she has been silent long enough and has perhaps forgotten why she is actually angry. The solution: A subscription for her mobile phone and this problem will never return. The smile will of course return. The logic? Just tell him me.
Good that I can laugh about it now and often no longer look for the cause and whether it lies with me. I now know that if I don't respond it will take less time than I am trying to figure out what happened. I didn't know this behavior as typical Thai, but looking at my father-in-law I know better now so many years later when he smiles again like a farmer with a toothache.
What a story. To live like this. This has nothing to do with a Thai mentality
to make. I had put her in the trash and looked for something else.
Cor.
Totally agree Cor.
If that means living together happily, then I'd rather be alone!
At a certain age you have gained enough experience, I think.
Recognizable story….
I've been through this twice, that silence. Appears to be a bit Thai. The first time I probably did something I shouldn't have done, still don't know what but madam was quiet for a few hours. Found it nice and quiet for a change and kind of enjoyed it. The second time, the lady was quite upset because I spoke to her fellow countryman after he wanted to push me off the road. Of course I shouldn't because it was his country, his way, etc. etc. Then she said she would be quiet again for a few hours and would like to say something to her again when she started talking.
I then explained to her that this was simply not possible. Difference in culture, origin, skin color, none matter, if there is something you talk to each other and not otherwise. Fortunately, this did not happen again after that.
Like the story above, I often hear this from the Thai woman. Where a person then gets the right to ignore the partner to death and not tell what's going on, I don't understand.
The photo accompanying the story is one of thousands …….you would press 'delete' in no time !!!
Think this is not just typical Thai. I was married to a woman from Rotterdam. Well, he could do that too. It could sometimes take up to a week for her to open her mouth about what was bothering her.
As a child she had more than 5!!! not talked to her little brother for years because of a futility.
Think it's wise to simply not make an effort to try and understand a woman. Take it as it is and it will blow over again…
My Belgian ex-wife could react exactly the same. The only difference: she didn't do this for a few hours or days, but for even weeks at a time – the longest was 5 weeks!
So I don't think it has anything to do with typical Thai behavior but with the personality.
My Thai wife doesn't do this at all!
Glad I got rid of that Belgian woman!
Luc
You will be very happily married.
Together in the car.
Me: are you hungry i will stop somewere?
She: up to you.
Me: i am not hungry so i can drive to our destination?
She: up to you
Angry at destination: why you dònt stop somewere i am hungry.
M.vr.gr.
Magnificent!
Communication is everything, that applies to Thai ladies as to any other nationality and not only to women.
Nico B
Dear JoWe, the discussion you describe is a typical discussion that can arise when she translates her Thai thinking into English.
When she says "Up to you" she translates this from the Thai language "taam chai", which roughly translates to "ask your heart"?
If you then say again, that you are not hungry, and that you can also drive to your destination, she says again,, ask your heart”??
This creates the difference of opinion that you describe so funny here, and which she does not want to say otherwise because of her reticence.
Sorry, John. 'Ask' is ถาม thǎam, with an aspirated -th- and a rising tone. This is ตามใจ taamchai with a unaspirated -t- and two middle notes.
But you're right. That 'up to you' is the translation of 'taamchai', which simply means 'OK, that's fine' when the other person makes a clear proposal. There is also something of resistance in 'well, okay, go ahead'. Often a bit irritated. Besides, it's more of a polite word, like "Good" when someone asks "How are you?" while you feel bad.
So you should never settle for 'up to you'. It's indifference. Because she doesn't answer the question 'are you hungry?' Asking further is the message 'Are you really not hungry?' She can't answer that with 'up to you'.
I also came across this - and I explained to my other half that 'up to you' has a slightly different meaning than 'taamchai'. There are more possible misunderstandings that arise from the conversion from Thai to English………..
Yes that is indeed a Thai answer….which I have quite a bit of trouble with….because I have experienced this TIG………times…..
Am totally surprised…that I am not the only one who has experienced this….
Top.....
THIS IS THAILAND… (TIT)
Indeed… this is where you go wrong. You should already know by nature that a Thai is really hungry at the regular hours of mealtime and even if she leaves the choice to you out of politeness, you are still doing it wrong and you forget her feeling of hunger….you take care't her not good…she's right.
Farang adapt! Or you will sleep outside for many more nights… ha ha haaa.
Says a lot about the ladies in question, but nothing about Thai ladies. because there is no connection between the two,
Only make this comment after a marriage of 32 years and one of 5. With a few more relationships in between.
What I recognize in this story is wanting to start the discussion; want to understand. A bridge between England and America is easier to build than to understand a woman. That requires logic, responding to arguments. In two marriages and friendships with Thai girlfriends, I have learned that women have feminine logic; a contradiction in terms. My Thai friends excelled in this contradiction. If you don't want to take any irreversible steps, I would enjoy the silence if I were you. But to be honest, I have to admit that as a man I always remain a child and fall for the beauty and smile of Thai women.
Very recognizable story. Occurs in many Thai - women and men.
This is partly because they are not used to expressing themselves immediately when something is wrong.
The atmosphere must be good, right? And yes, if you don't realize that the goat wig
can ruin the atmosphere, what do we expect?
I will never accept such behaviour.
Not from a Thai and not from a Dutch woman.
You won't let yourself be terrorized, will you?
I don't believe these goat wig moments are typically Thai, because there are certainly women of other nationalities with the same reactions.
Reactions that often have to do with dissatisfaction, or the feeling that she is not understood at all by her partner, which is often caused by cultural differences, different way of thinking, and the lack of a deeper discussion, where one really gets to know oneself.
The fact that she suddenly called you from a friend who lived 2 km away, and you didn't understand at all how she got there, is already a sign that you don't know her exactly.
Moreover, if you get to know the way of thinking of many Thais, you will soon notice that hardly any Thai likes to move in great heat or sunshine, when the man has a car in front of the door.
Also her expectations, that you had to call her, may sound ridiculous to us, but if you knew her well, would typically fit her way of thinking.
In short, every person has his peculiarities, which you can only discover and perhaps understand by talking to each other a lot.
Psychology advises that you cannot change a person much, so that at most with further Interest you can learn from a relationship to accept each other's idiosyncrasies and to deal with them as best as possible. Good luck!!
Right John, good advice to accept each other's character traits. Reactions like putting it in the trash or you certainly don't let yourself be terrorized make no sense of course; as if they were perfect. My partner also sometimes prefers silence. At first thought it was just me and wanted to understand that silence by talking about it. After so many years together, I know that I let the situation escalate. Don't worry about it anymore, in fact a futility compared to many pleasant benefits of our being together.
taamchai in this context means rather follow your heart and not ask your heart. “Do what you like” is, in my opinion, a better translation.
It's nice to read these pieces, I'm just waiting for a response from a lady who should delve into the Thai mentality. 5555
Oh well, I'm out of my mind sometimes.
The other day, I had someone come over to replace two window frames that had served as food for a large part of some kind of insect. The man comes neatly and does just the job, but was not finished in 1 day of course.
Day 2 he does not appear, nor the next 2 weeks.
Because the rice had to be removed from the land, it turns out afterwards.
Then he wanted some of his tools, because he had to do something else somewhere else first.
My statement that he had better just take all his tools with him was met with some incomprehension, after all he would come the next day…
If he had just said that he didn't have time for the job yet because he had to harvest the rice, and would come later, that would have been fine with me.
But to leave me with unfinished work, chunks from the wall and a pile of rubbish, without saying anything, I thought was a bit less.
I was forced to finish the work myself. (that's what you get when you're out of your mind and send someone home)
The things that I really couldn't do myself were already done.
The wig time is 18th century and 1858 is 19th century.
There's something wrong with the story.
Namely when you told her how long it was to walk to her friend's house.
She wanted to know how long the walk was (so she didn't know that that day) and you said it was 20 minutes.
But when did you say it was 20 minutes, because you haven't talked to each other on the phone?
Perhaps in response to her childish behavior, you should also just put on the goat wig and hold out a little longer than she does. So make a game out of it, even if it takes a few days. Now she has her way again with a subscription. In fact, you're just caught up in it.
If that doesn't help..... find another girlfriend or at least show that there are more women than just her (you can already do this during your goat wig). I have been married to my still beautiful NL wife for almost 50 years and I absolutely do not know this problem. If she wants to have a subscription, she can either decide that herself or we decide together and we accept the outcome of our discussion. Goat wigs are not necessary with us .... the rest will come naturally.
I also fall into silence sometimes when I'm angry. That's just how I'm wired. Think it's better than swearing, it doesn't get any better either. Do I have to go straight to the bulky waste? Is that how relationships work?
I agree with most of the comments: just a matter of (clashing) personalities or poor communication (or lack of communication). And yes, if someone has stepped on their toes, one will scream, another will be locked for hours or days. Most of osn - I'm guessing - will have an experience in between. No yelling, just a little angry and after an hour or so when the steam has gone, talk to your partner about what exactly was going on and what a good solution is for both.
What would I do if communication was vague? I practically never got that awful "up to you" response. An indifferent or at best unclear response that resembles a 'you have to know/decide that yourself', 'it won't be a concern' and 'I don't care' answer. That doesn't exactly radiate passion, understanding and love... If you do get that, I would adjust the question: what do you want, honey? Would you like a…?
But it seems to me that you will naturally learn to respond to this, because a relationship is always about communication. Back and forth. If you get to know each other a little, you will know what to expect from the other and how you and your partner should respond to this. You can learn to read each other's minds a little, but you will never become a clairvoyant.
If things go wrong again and again, you may not be made for each other. But a little miscommunication is part of it, men and women remain partly inscrutable.
When they say to me #up to you# I always ask is that yes or no. Then they must give a clear answer.
I regularly read stories on this blog about so-called characteristics of 'Thai women' and I can't always escape the impression that the writers of these types of epistles have no or very little experience in relationships with (Western) women; it sometimes seems as if they have just discovered how women are put together (perhaps they are) and then project their experiences as typical characteristics of the 'Thai woman'. This also seems to be the case here.