'Mai Pen Rai and the art of letting go'
There’s something strange about my wife Sue. As I get worked up about a delayed flight, a forgotten appointment, or a sudden rain shower without an umbrella, she looks at me with that little smile and says, “Mai pen rai.” No problem. Never mind.
At first I found this an annoying quirk. You have to care about something, right? A certain amount of excitement, indignation, or at least a tight schedule is part of civilized life, isn’t it? But Sue remains unperturbed. Bus late? We’ll wait. Food cold? We’ll eat cold food. Another wrong order? We’ll use what did arrive. Mai pen rai.
I, on the other hand, was raised in the Western doctrine that life is a series of obstacles that we must tackle with determination and efficient solutions. We fight against chaos, dot the i's and cross the t's and when something goes wrong, we want compensation. We accept the stress that comes with it, because without struggle there is no victory.
But while I sit in a clammy waiting room of a Thai bus company, sighing away the minutes, Sue looks contentedly at her phone. She plays a game, reads a bit, chats with a stranger. The bus will come. Or not. But that is a worry for later. I wonder how she does it? Does she have a secret? Or has she, along with millions of other Thais, simply understood something that we do not?
It’s not that Sue doesn’t care, it’s not indifference. She loves her family, her friends, her work. She’s caring and thoughtful. But while I’m sitting there with a tense jaw wondering if this will ever be okay, she’s quietly sipping a cup of tea. While I can feel the next disaster approaching, she can only see the blue sky between the clouds. And one thing is for sure: she’ll live a lot longer than I will.
There’s a catch, though. Sometimes, when a mistake has been made that’s easy to correct, she’ll shake her head and say, “Mai pen rai.” And I know I’ll be the one to battle the customer service, the wrong bill, or the unwilling plumber. Because riding the waves of life is nice, but sometimes a rudder is handy.
I’ll take a chance. The next time a plan falls through, I’ll take a deep breath, look at Sue and say, “Mai pen rai.”
Maybe it will work. Maybe it won’t. But oh well… mai pen rai. And if it doesn’t, Sue will explain it to me. Someday. When she’s ready…
About this blogger
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My age officially falls under the category of 'elderly'. I've been living in Thailand for 28 years, try to do that. The Netherlands used to be paradise, but it fell into disrepair. So I went looking for a new paradise and found Siam. Or was it the other way around and Siam found me? Either way, we were good-natured.
ICT provided a regular income, something you call 'work', but for me it was mainly a pastime. Writing, that's the real hobby. For Thailandblog I'm picking up that old love again, because after 15 years of hard work you deserve some reading material.
I started in Phuket, moved to Ubon Ratchathani, and after a stopover in Pattaya I now live somewhere in the north, in the middle of nature. Rest never rusts, I always say, and that turns out to be true. Here, surrounded by greenery, time seems to stand still, but fortunately life doesn't.
Food, especially tasty food, that is my passion. And what makes an evening complete? A good glass of whisky and a cigar. That pretty much covers it, I think. Cheers!
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“You think too much” is also a frequently heard Thai and Filipino psychological advice.
I often say to Tino “let it go”. Now of course I would rather have everything go smoothly and on time, just like most people in this world, but not everything is in our power.
I remember well the first time I stayed in Thailand with my girlfriend, and on the day of our departure back to the Netherlands a friend was supposed to pick us up to take us to the airport. Not even ten minutes after the agreed time she started calling him. I said “it doesn’t matter”, we still had more than enough time. But she told me “an agreement is an agreement, and he is always late”. I understood that of course. Being a little late, it ended up being something like 30 minutes late, can happen, you shouldn’t worry about it I think. But being consistently late, not keeping to agreements, yes that gets irritating. There is nothing special Thai or Dutch about that, that is human.
Haha, Rob V,
My wife used to have a winged saying: “I don't like to wait for people. People must wait for me”. After all these years, she has changed her mind a bit.
My Thai girlfriend also says regularly: don't worry so much. And she is right, we worry too quickly. We are too perfectionistic and impatient.
'Mai pen rai' (tones: falling, middle, middle) does NOT mean 'never mind, it doesn't matter, no problem'. There is a problem, more or less important, and you don't have to leave it at that, you can (and sometimes must) do something about it.
'Mai pen rai' is a word of comfort, it does not give a real judgement about the event but only wants to dampen emotions. If someone dents my car I say 'mai pen rai' and I mean: 'I'm not very angry but don't do it again and you just have to pay'.
Due to a misjudgment by my wife, we missed the night bus from BKK to her village in the south.
All she said was Mai pen rai.
Before I had a chance to start ranting, she arranged for a taxi to a hotel to spend the night.
There was a nice band, beer and good food, it was a great evening
Beautifully written Farang.
Sooo recognizable, I laughed my head off.
Please keep writing.
Sincerely
When I met my wife and we went travelling in Thailand by train, it always seemed to be delayed or sometimes it just didn't show up. She didn't mind, and neither did I, because hey, we're on holiday.
But now that she lives here in the Netherlands, this has changed completely. She travels by train every day, but woe betide her if it is delayed by more than two minutes, she is already grumpy. This just goes to show that a person can change when the circumstances are right.