Column – Love in Thailand is a fairy tale with a manual
For those looking for romance in Thailand, it seems like paradise on earth, sultry air, sun-drenched beaches and women everywhere who seem more than willing to share their hearts. But beware: not all that glitters is gold. The love between a Dutch man and a Thai woman comes with a manual that no travel guide will offer you. Instead of an exuberant holiday romance story, you end up in a cultural gap where every day offers a new lesson.
In the Netherlands, we now know that the pub, work or sports club are the perfect places to meet a partner. And if that doesn't work, there are always dating apps and sites where you can fill in your wishes and preferences, and voilà, your first date is a fact. But here in Thailand you suddenly meet a "dream woman" who, let's be honest, often doesn't come from the same neighborhood as your neighbor girl in Rotterdam. No, the local cultural differences ensure that you not only start a relationship, but also an expedition into the unknown.
Because honestly, just try to imagine that you, a down-to-earth Rotterdammer, are about to enter into a lifelong commitment with a woman who is light years away from you in terms of education, background and hobbies. Where the Dutch think of equal interests and standards, in Thailand you suddenly find yourself in a completely different reality. For example, family comes in an untouchable first place, and there is a hierarchy for everything. Mom is and remains number one, and you come in second, if you are lucky. She lives for family and expects the same from you. You with your free-spirited Dutch views may find this strange, but this is simply an unshakeable fact.
And then there are the subtle cultural differences that test you every day. The idea that your partner might not have a clue where the Netherlands is on the world map, or that she might locate Australia somewhere in Europe, can be a source of wonder. Conversations about world news, history or sports outside of Muay Thai are often one-way. And don't expect praise for your passion for stamps, hobbies are different here. The only topic of conversation that always appeals here? Food. Preferably Thai food, and not that hamburger you have lost your heart to.
And yet, thousands of Dutch men fall for the Thai charms. But make no mistake, the men who really succeed here know that adaptation is the key word. They are not the young men who are overwhelmed for the first time with a pint in their hand by the ease with which they can arrange a date, which is a rare success in the Netherlands, seems to be a given here. No, the successful Dutch and Belgian men in Thailand are the older ones, the ones who have built up their pension and can take life a bit easier. They are not looking for an exuberant party life, but just that little bit of company in their twilight years, with a lady who is not necessarily the young star from a bar, but a mature woman who wants to take care of them and give their life a bit of shine.
For those who do not succeed, often due to a lack of patience or adaptability, the fairy tale often ends in frustration. It is then the “money-guzzling” Thai partner who is blamed, while their own role and expectations are rarely considered. Selfishness, and not cultural differences, appears to be the biggest pitfall. Men who cling to their Dutch or Belgian habits, who are not open to the nuances of Thai life, look back more quickly with resentment on their lost love.
However, for those who open up, a relationship with a Thai woman can be quite successful. With a little flexibility and the will to see life through her eyes, love can even blossom into a second youth here. It requires a little more adaptability than a date with your Dutch neighbor, but for those who dare to take the plunge, it can be worth it. And to those men who are fixated on drinking, partying and holiday romances, remember that your dreams sometimes become a completely different story once you land in reality. Because a fairy tale is only a fairy tale if the ending is happy, and for that you sometimes have to reinvent yourself first.
About this blogger
- The Expat (66) has been living in Pattaya for 17 years and enjoys every day in the land of milk and honey! Previously employed in road and hydraulic engineering, but fled the capricious weather in the Netherlands. Lives here with his Thai girlfriend and two dogs just outside Pattaya, a 3-minute walk from the beach. Hobbies: enjoying life, going out, sports and philosophizing with friends about football, Formula 1 and politics.
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100% true and well written!
Quote: “It is then the “money-guzzling” Thai partner who is blamed, while their own role and expectations are rarely considered.”
That sounds to me like you just have to accept that you as a 'rich Falang' have to empty your wallet? There are enough examples on Thailandblog who took matters into their own hands on that point.
A bit naive to just look away from financial misery (I think)...
Hi Expat,
I totally agree with your posting. You want everyone to respect your standards and values, but it is often forgotten that you also have to respect the standards and values of the other party
. The one-sided image of financial plundering is completely misplaced. People need to realize that they are indeed dealing with a different culture. Family indeed comes first in Thailand and people need to realize that if they are accepted into a family, they also have to adhere to the rules of the family. That means that they take care of each other, no matter what the cost. And they should not whine in the Netherlands or in Belgium or anywhere else in the world about money that is left in Thailand in an inheritance.
Now now John,
I've read your comment several times and I'm still not sure if it's meant to be sarcastic or not.
Anyway, my conclusion is that your Thai family is quite lucky to have someone like you who blindly and willfully conforms to the family rules and takes care of them without asking questions, whatever the cost. My congratulations but I can't muster something like that.
It is your illusion that those Thai families thrive on. But indeed, although sarcasm is rare here, it will have slipped through the net.
I always thought that a relationship consists of a mutual empathy that does not always have to come from one side. Could it be that the Thai partner would also open up. I read that one-sided again: "Thai partner who gets the blame, while rarely looking at his own role and expectations. Selfishness, and not cultural differences, appears to be the biggest pitfall." Sometimes the farang expects that something other than food or sanoek is talked about. So a little flexibility from the Thai lady or gentleman to also
once (let's say a minute a month) to look at life through our eyes. If you come up with that proposal for example 2 minutes a month, then keep in mind that you could immediately put an end to it. Or you just resign yourself to it and become submissive, docile, even slavish for the rest of your life and you are forced to start that process of justification.
“Sometimes the farang expects people to talk about something other than food or sanoek.”
Let that be the reason why I am glad that I do not speak Thai. If I am to believe my wife, then the only conversation among them is about food, temple visits and related subjects. On top of that, there are many conversations in which there is gossip about others in society with the underlying thought of jealousy and envy.
I have to admit that I sometimes miss a serious conversation. I have no contact with other Farang. The only conversation partner is my wife and the conversations are in broken English. But well, I fear that a good conversation with a Farang is also a rarity in our egoistic society. Hopefully I won't start talking to myself in the foreseeable future 😉
I have been happily married for 15 years now. The first thing I learned was to throw my Dutch principles overboard.
I have always given money according to my means. The condo is in my name as is my bank account.
I made a will for my caring, sweet wife so that she can live a carefree life in the future.
We have a good and pleasant time together and every day we enjoy ourselves with a peaceful feeling of gratitude.
I don't understand why you have to throw your principles overboard.
Every culture has its own uniqueness. I have my culture, my Thai lady has hers. I always told her that after marrying her, I will always be myself.
With mutual respect you get much further than if you force yourself to put on a mask and deny your own principles. You can't keep that up.
My Thai wife lived and worked in Belgium for 11 years. After my retirement we moved to Thailand to start a new life here.
After 7 years in Thailand we've had enough. My wife often tells me that moving back to her roots is her biggest mistake ever. She really misses our little Belgium.
So all that chatter and embellished stories about Thai culture and the Farang's obligatory adaptation are grossly exaggerated.
Hi Andre,
Glad to read your comment, there's a lot of truth in it!
I have been together with my Thai lady for 15 years now and we still live in Belgium.
Next year I can finally retire. I have also once wondered about further plans after my retirement. It just so happens that my wife has no desire at all to ever return to her country and family.
She tells me that she would rather not have the Thai mentality, the interference of her family, the jealousy and envy. A few weeks on holiday every 2 years is more than enough, she says. She is always happy to be home again.
What I gather from this is that a Thai lady can adapt perfectly to the European mentality and not the other way around.
Let them adapt themselves and not have it come from one side, which you see all too often.
A relationship only works if it comes from both sides and if both sides adapt and do not take advantage of it.
You hear about these incidents all too often with good intentions.
A relationship always means adjusting. Even with a Western partner you will have to compromise. Of course it is not a calculation where both of you adjust 50 percent but it differs depending on the situation. As a farang you usually have the greatest financial possibilities. The Thai has the caring and the social relationships at least if you go to live in Thailand. In the West it used to be like that too. Traditional role division was then often the man who worked and received the salary for it and the woman who arranged things at home and took care of the children. Of course this was also a relationship that depended on compromises. Nothing is completely black or white when we look at relationships. I understand that you do not share your entire assets. But that you also want to make it nice for your partner is I think something that is normal, not only when you are together but also for the future when you have passed away. Values and standards are not laws but can depend on the person you are with. Faith, culture, family relationship are important factors in this. Your guideline in a relationship is always love, common sense and empathy. There is no ideal model. After all, every relationship is different. Do what you think is right and accept the consequences. At least that is how it works for me. Success and happiness to all of you. Carpe Diem.
Dear members, dear Thailand bloggers,
I have read and reread the story several times. Within this and one (1) month we (my girlfriend and myself) are moving to Thailand, somewhere not so far from Den Chai and Uttradit.
Due to the weather problems of a month ago, we are first going to live with my girlfriend's sister and then later live together with the sister's 2 sons and their girlfriends under one new roof. The water in the parental home had a height of 2,10 meters. So once the weather gets warmer again, the molds will thrive.
Healthy is something else, my girlfriend and her sister and her brother had received +/- 3 hectares of building land when their parents died. Since I, the Farang, am coming along and will live with them, they went to the notary to draw up a contract that no one can throw me out of the house, but the sons and their girlfriend or wife are obliged to take care of me, the Farang, until my last breath.
That I also put my two cents in, is completely normal for me, every family member knows how much their sister has as a pension (43 years worked in Belgium) and I also have a full pension. They have already discussed that we will deposit 60% of our pension into the family account and the remaining 40% is for our pleasures, we both play golf and the Farang has besides golf also a whole range of model trains. The whole family hopes that I would make a nice train track where the neighbours and other people from the village can come and see. Of course I agreed.
We worked for our pension and they grant us a pleasant last stage of life. I can also do the Belgian customs there in the family, they can also continue their culture and lifestyle just like us.
I see that many foreigners think and live only with their penis, that is part of it but gentlemen that is not the most important thing…. . Life is just a little different… .
60% on the family account!?!? They will indeed like you. It seems a bit too naive to me.
Yeah, I don't understand that either. You don't work your whole life to then give the lion's share to family? They will indeed be delighted with André's arrival……..
That is because the man has a different view of life in Thailand, which he believes is inspired by many people thinking with their penis. He himself does not do that. He thinks from a fantasy of naivety. Doesn't matter, everyone should decide for themselves, but it does not demonstrate a sense of reality. Which makes me wonder how his girlfriend stands in the whole story? After all, she also has a complete employment history of 43 years in BE. Why does she then give 60% to her family? Furthermore, I wonder whether the man understands that a contract with a 'notary' (Thailand does not have the system of notaries) has no value if there is no collateral. It is about an intention that the family has expressed. They receive 60% of their pensions, he gets a guarantee of lifelong occupancy and care. But what if the family decides to sell the land, if the 2 sons move elsewhere, if their relationships with current girlfriends fail, if in 2024 no one knows about that 'contract' anymore? And does that man understand that an unmarried person cannot make claims against a non-existent 'in-law'? Because 'his girlfriend's family' has no legal basis. My conclusion: he has been tricked!
“Life is just a little different… .”
Hopefully you don't have to find out that your idea doesn't turn out to be what you imagined.
“…no one can throw me out of the house”
I wouldn't say that too quickly. If they want to bully you out, it will happen quickly. And you might make that decision yourself.
But maybe it won't be that bad and they won't slaughter the golden calf after all.
But as far as I'm concerned, everyone does what they think is best and I wish you every success there and also with your hobby
Well, what I gather from various responses is that letting a Thai partner experience life in the Netherlands/Belgium for a while can have a positive influence on the relationship.
Of course, the Thai partner has to 'get through' it with regard to the climate, not eating Thai food every day, missing the Thai family involvement, the gossiping, envy, jealousy, as Wim describes.
If a Thai partner no longer wants to live permanently in Thailand, this gives peace in the mixed relationship tent. 🙂
Congratulations, Wim.
My wife has also had Belgian nationality for many years, which makes traveling between the two countries easy.
But she also likes to be in Belgium and also eats Thai in Belgium, just like I eat European in Thailand. One does not exclude the other. She can prepare both.
She dreads the winter months the most and that is why she decided to spend the cold Belgian months in Thailand and as soon as the temperatures rise, around May, we are back in Belgium. Around October/November we will head back to Thailand.
Gossip, envy, jealousy… I am always surprised that people think that this is something that only happens in Thailand and then only by the Thai there. I will not deny that, but I hear, see and read that many non-Thais also know something about it and for that they should not be in Thailand… 😉
Belgian nationality is indeed preferable, but a permanent residence card is sufficient to travel easily between the two countries.
This of course specifically concerns my wife who has Belgian nationality instead of permanent residence